Dad, I am not qualified to offer you advice on this matter. What I CAN tell you is that you divorcing this family would devastate me. Please continue the family therapy and the program(s) you are on and give 100% into saving this family. We all love you and need to keep together.
An emotionally abusive marriage consists of a victim and an abuser. Dr. Phil has something to say to both.
The Abuser
Have you thought about how your actions truly affect your partner? Even when you stop the abuse, the pain continues because you've trampled on your loved one's heart and spirit.
Dr. Phil defines an abuser as both a coward and a bully. You choose to abuse where it is safe, in a place where you feel loved and protected. Would you do it in the workplace where you might get fired or in a social situation where others might get insulted?
You need to understand that respect is commanded, not demanded. If you think degrading and belittling your partner commands respect, you're wrong. You are simply demanding by imposing fear.
All abusers have excuses, says Dr. Phil. While the excuses vary, one principle remains: You are abusing instead of being constructive.
If you want to recover — for yourself and your partner — you need to tell yourself: "I'm not going to take this from me anymore." Sit down with your partner, look into his/her eyes, and apologize for the wounds you've inflicted over time.
Healing is a process. Rescuing your relationship will take patience and persistence.
The Victim
Take responsibility. You have played a role in setting up the relationship this way, and you must play a role in changing it. Telling your partner that the treatment is unacceptable is not enough. Your actions speak louder than words, so you need to make two bold moves: Change your own routine or behavior, and tell your partner you will no longer take the abuse.
Dr. Phil refers to a saying: "There are no victims, only volunteers." Don't go along to get along. Peace at any price is no peace at all.
Relationships are always up for renegotiation. You need to sit down with your partner, look him/her in the eyes, and tell him/her that you are taking a stand. You will not stay in the relationship if the abuse continues. From there, begin to negotiate. Figure out how both of you can take strides to make the marriage work.
Watch yourself to make sure you don't fall back into the victim role.
How you argue — especially how you end an argument — can determine the long-term success or failure of your relationship.
A primary requirement for any fight is to maintain control. You do not have the license to be childish, abusive or immature. If you have legitimate feelings, you are entitled to give a reasonable voice to those feelings in a constructive way. (That includes not being self-righteous or taking yourself too seriously.)
"Disagreements are going to occur," says Dr. Phil. "The question is, do you go into it with a spirit of looking for resolution or do you go into it with a spirit of getting even, vengeance, control? You'll never win if you do that. If you make your relationship a competition, that means your spouse has to lose in order for you to win. It's not a competition, it's a partnership."
Here are Dr. Phil's specific rules for fighting fair.
Take it private and keep it private. Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don't have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.
Keep it relevant. Don't bring up old grudges or sore points when they don't belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries around the subject matter so that a fight doesn't deteriorate into a free-for-all.
Keep it real. Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated.
Avoid character assassination. Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don't let the fight degenerate into name-calling.
Remain task-oriented. Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don't have a goal in mind, you won't know when you've achieved it.
Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity. How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.
Be proportional in your intensity. Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be.
There's a time limit. Arguments should be temporary, so don't let them get out of hand. Don't allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely.
LOTS of great stuff here! I'm going to print out a lot of it to have.
It IS terrible that he is keeping this over all of our heads and going to the kids for validation of his actions. I'm not sure why that didn't hit me harder previously than now!
LOVE the script. Will discuss it with the kids.
It's so hard: I keep thinking he is going to come to his senses and yet, every time he appears to do so, he counteracts it with something else that says "not"! Take yesterday: out of the blue texting me about getting rid of Facebook. Then he turns around and tells me that he was apt hunting last night. Who does this stuff to a person??? Emotionally immature, selfish people in WAS mode, of course. But why?! Why have they got to be so cruel?
What kind of financial mismanagement in teh history are we talking about here?
Any idea how much $ total?
It varies greatly whether you ask him or you look at the facts. To hear him talk, I've thrown away thousands and thousands of dollars... ran us into the ground. The facts are, it takes a lot more money to raise a family to the standard of living we have than what he realizes. Even the FT said he was totally unrealistic in this. Now: have I not managed money well and could've spent less on the kids? Absolutely. At the same time, H has taken NO responsibility financially either. H has always had full access to just about every dime I spend and that he spends and where it is going. He doesn't manage money well either yet us not having a big bank account is all my fault. I have 2 credit cards in my name that he does not have full access to, yet I have provided him with all that information. The credit limit on each? $300.00. BIG money, right??? Hardly. I don't even use them very often. It's just nice to have something in my name that I can purchase gifts with or whatever. So, yes, I totally admit my part in the financial irresponsibility but I don't see where he can say it's all me when he's always had access to knowledge of everything.
Well - I DO see it: it's that HE doesn't want to own up to his part. He claims he didn't say anything because I just wanted my way. Isn't his responsibility to still be a man???
They arne't trying to be cruel, its more just them being self involved
I think the most important thing to say to him is
DO you think you are the ONLY person who is unhappy here?
There is a difference between us, but its not you being more unhappy than I am.. It's how YOU are handling it and how I am handling it. I am working to improve things here while you are walking in two directions at once and worse you are threatening our children... While I have to run damage control to settle them down.
If you are going to leave, then leave, I would rather have this abuse OUT of our children's lives than have to stomach it every day. I would PREFER we worked TOGETHER as a couple to offer a better home for ourselves and our kids. But your idea of making things better is destroying them instead. And worse you try to make a false show of cooperating with your family while you are sabotaging your marriage in the background.
If you are HERE.. then BE HERE... 100%. You dont have to be happy right now, neither of us are.. But being here 50% and apartment hunting 50% isn't going to fly and you KNOW it.
Things get better when you WORK on them 100%... You can't pour water on a fire and then toss more gasoline on it by announcing you are apartment hunting...
If you actually find the courage to work with your family then do it, but do it 100% without background sabotage and abuse or don't bother.
Sorry, it came out mroe as a rant.. lol
the main thing is him being there 100%. He isn't, he's there 50% and out teh door the other 50%.
Q: You said he doenst contact his family at all? I assume that's by his choice? He ran out on them too is that right?
It's shocking what they say and do sometimes, Sunny - cut you to the quick and then rub salt in the wound.
We've all made mistakes in our marriage, we've all said and done stupid things that hurt our partners - but usually NOT deliberately. That they treat us with such cruelty and thoughtlessness in return sometimes is jaw-dropping. They wouldn't treat a stranger the way they treat someone they professed to love once upon a time...
It's shocking what they say and do sometimes, Sunny - cut you to the quick and then rub salt in the wound.
We've all made mistakes in our marriage, we've all said and done stupid things that hurt our partners - but usually NOT deliberately. That they treat us with such cruelty and thoughtlessness in return sometimes is jaw-dropping. They wouldn't treat a stranger the way they treat someone they professed to love once upon a time...
Exactly! Talking to H though you would think I have deliberately destroyed him. Oh, but anything he's ever done isn't really "all that bad". Crazy, huh?!!!! Esp. if you remember he once left me with 2 small children...and 3 years later had a cyber-affair! But my spending "too much" or wanting things a certain way is totally unforgivable! Right.
