I've been reading these forums several times a day since I found out about my wife's affair.
I need some input.
We were married 10 years in May. I found out in June she was seeing someone else (I found a number I didn't recognize on the cell phone bill). Since that time I have gotten the "I love you but I'm not in love with you speech, The you and I were never meant to be together and I can't figure out why I ever married you speech, the It's not you it's me speech, the he can't hold a candle to you speech, the He's everything your not speech, and the I've felt this way about our marriage for a long time speech.
She as also stated that she never wanted to be a wife and mother and that she had considered aborting our first born and taking the morning after pill when she thought she may be pregnant with our last born. We have 4 beautiful children ages 2,5,7 and 8. She also has a 15 year old from a prior relationship who doesn't live with us.
In conversations and from researching this guy who is 23, (my wife is 35) he has a history and its not a good one. He's a convicted felon, has a recent drug arrest and is tied up in the manufacturing of Meth. He doesn't work, doesn't have a place to live often staying with friends and relatives and apparently has no desire to make any sort of change.
The kick in the teeth is I have been in Law Enforcement 25 years. I put jerks like this in jail the last thing I ever expected and never saw coming was this. To say I was blindsided is an understatement.
She has told me she wants out and that she plans to leave but would come back to watch the kids when I had to work, I refused this because she left once for 8 days after I found this guys wallet in my truck and she couldn't explain how it got there. She left but would come in the evenings to "get the kids settled" the only problem was once she left they were upset. I can't see doing that to them all over again. I feel we have all put up with enough of that from her and I told her that if she leaves again she should stay gone and that she shouldn't expect to come in and be a part time parent.
The problem is I still love my wife and I had hoped she would get her act together and we could work this out. She has seen a therapist once and is due to go again tomorrow. The problem is he doesn't want to see me with her or by myself yet so I don't know how forthcoming she has been with him.
I'm open for suggestions.
M/49 H/35 Married 10 yrs 4 kids: B9, D7, B5, D3 Learned of EA June 2010 ILYBNILWU June 2010 Learned of SA July 2010
When she left the last time She insisted on coming here even though she was seeing him the entire time and lying to all of us about it.
She continues this behavior and is very erratic. She's begun drinking heavily and also exhibiting other behaviors which make me think she is just out of control. We spoke last night and I told her she could go when she is ready. She won't go at the moment as some of her relatives who don't know the situation have come to visit and will be here at least a week. The I just found out this morning that her dad who plans to move here (he has already purchased a house here) will be here the following week. He is also unaware of what's going on and when he finds out what she has been doing he will hit the roof. She has already alienated her mothers side of the family with lying and changing the story on why she's doing what she's doing. She has just told them she's unhappy and has been for a long time. She neglected to tell them about her 23 year old sack of crap boyfriend and the affair with him.
I don't really want to get into the middle of things with her family as I don't want her to be able to say that I turned them against her. She's pretty much done that herself.
Thanks for the input and your right I agree she needs to be set free and that's what I intend to do. Apparently now she's ready but won't until everyone who isn't aware of what's going on leaves which will be at least 2 to 3 weeks.
Any suggestions on how I should handle things while that occurs?
M/49 H/35 Married 10 yrs 4 kids: B9, D7, B5, D3 Learned of EA June 2010 ILYBNILWU June 2010 Learned of SA July 2010
If it were me (and you have to decide for YOU), I think I would say, "You have a week to find an apartment, and your relatives can help you move".
I don't know how to put it so that you will understand that you wanting her to fix herself, while natural, isn't really healthy at this point.
You need to do what Puppy calls "Go Papa Bear" on her. You need to protect yourself and your family from this predator she is inviting into your lives. You need to establish some healthy boundaries (e.g. I will not live in an open marriage, and I will protect my children from this predator you have invited into our lives to end our marriage).
Last edited by TimeHeals; 08/04/1011:57 AM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I did that but she's insistent on putting on this facade while her relatives are here. I suppose it's so that they don't look at her in a bad light. I guess my question is should I mention something to her relatives or should I not?
I'm kind of torn about this since I don't want to end our marriage but she apparently thinks that's what she needs to have her freedom and do all the things she hasn't been able to do in life because of her "obligations" of being a spouse and mother.
M/49 H/35 Married 10 yrs 4 kids: B9, D7, B5, D3 Learned of EA June 2010 ILYBNILWU June 2010 Learned of SA July 2010
As far as protecting my family that's not even a consideration I have already told her that while she is involved with him that she will under no circumstances expose any of our children to him. She is in agreement with that or so she says. Presently the older children don't really want to have much to do with her anyway. The see what's happened for themselves and have come to resign themselves to the fact that she may be leaving again and may not come back.
Sadly her 15 year old was here during her last "escape" and we had several conversations. One of the last things he said before he left was that " I hope you guys don't get a divorce because I don't want her (his mother) to treat the kids like she treated me growing up" (She has had very minimal contact with him since we got married and according to her it's because of me.
He seems to have a different opinion of that however.
M/49 H/35 Married 10 yrs 4 kids: B9, D7, B5, D3 Learned of EA June 2010 ILYBNILWU June 2010 Learned of SA July 2010
I did that but she's insistent on putting on this facade while her relatives are here.
Time to go see an attorney, then.
Quote:
I suppose it's so that they don't look at her in a bad light.
Put together an thoughtful letter that goes something like:
I am sorry to tell you that our marriage is in trouble. _____ has been having an affair with a 23 year old man with a troubled history, and I have asked her to leave, not because I do not want to fight for my marriage, but because I want to protect myself and our children from this predator she is seeing and because her behavior is not something I want our children to be continually exposed to.
I appreciate your support in this matter.
Give them each copies of the letter. Then step back. She is going to get angry because you didn't help her carry out her Big Lie. She is going to run "dammage control" and spin many more webs of deceit. Do not engage her. If you say anything, ask her if she has found an apartment yet or say you did not want to lie for her.
It's the right thing to do.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 08/04/1012:09 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
click on the link and read the first post in that thread, that is your answer
and pay special attention to the fish poem. there is a hidden meaning. lol.
if it hasn't hit you in the head like a falling piano yet, this guy must be removed from your life even at the cost of losing your wife. Bottom feeders do not belong around your children.
Agree with everyone else about the meth guy. Sorry your find yourself here but we'll listen/advise you.
I think you've got to let her go and make her understand that you won't tolerate her behavior/this guy around your kids. That is not a good example at all.
Her wanting to keep up appearances for the family is so that she can pretend like nothing is wrong/save face cause she knows she had made a poor decision.
The link that Rob posted is a great manual to follow.
