Got a huge assignment due in the morning for my class but I'll watch those tomorrow as soon as I can!
H and I did our homework which basically is 30 minutes of stress free conversation a day: 15 min. each to tell about our days, etc... During his 15 min. he mentioned checking into apt. pricing nearby. Then he added, "not that I've made a decision..." Of course, during this exercise you aren't supposed to comment back. You're just supposed to listen and validate. So, not much I could say to that. Did my heart go "thud" when he said it? Sure it did. I didn't let it show though.
He said S16 talked to him when he went to pick S16 up. He commented that S16 said "everything would be fine -he's not worried - it's in God's hands..." Ummm....S16 told me this morning he was totally pissed about all of it! I don't know why he didn't tell H that!
It just goes to your point, Allen, that these secret convos don't need to happen anymore. It makes me a little aggravated with S16 because he talks so tough with me yet not with his dad. I really wanted him to tell H how upset he would be - and how angry he was - yet instead, he ends up saying, "he knows everything will be fine." ??? Geez. That's why they're 16 though - they aren't adults and shouldn't be expected to act like adults or have to have adult conversations with their dads about leaving. Sigh.
Well, he needs to be told he can be honest with his father about his feelings... He just validated his father's exit and he doens't even realize it.
How is your H mentioning he's looking at apartments STRESS FREE?
I would tell him to keep any commentary about an exit to himself. It's abusive to hold an exit over someone's head like that and he needs to hear that from you.
Tell him waving the "I might leave, I might not" over your head he may as well wave a knife at teh whole family and to knock it off... Make a point that you aren't being mean or silencing him but you have to protect the kids from this kind of abuse...
I meant the knife-wielding part above… I guess it’s too late to go back and say something just to make that point but will keep that in my arsenal!
I felt the same about S16’s comments – so disappointing. I’m sure he didn’t even bring it up, H did. S16 probably just wanted to stay out of the line of fire and said whatever would get him out of the conversation quickest. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the right thing. I did tell H that S16 did not express those same feelings to me¬ – that he was hurt and angry…that I am the one that told him God would look out for us no matter what. H said, “Interesting… so he didn’t come up with that on his own.” I didn’t go into it any further as we were supposed to be doing our exercise. Yeah – I play by the rules, H does not!
I don’t even know why H mentioned the apt thing unless he is just trying to gain the upper hand again. Well, that and he’s totally running on emotion – canceling Facebook one minute looking for a way out the next. He’s just totally screwed up in the head.
I guess I need to go back to S16 but I really want to be done with all of that. I guess I can’t leave H alone with the kids at all, huh?!!!
Oh – H also mentioned that S16 said he would stay with me to “help me out”. SO… he’s already talking custody arrangements??? This man is all over the place.
I’m glad I had this big project to contend with. My mind is too busy on it to worry about H much and the crazy things he is saying. I am definitely going to tell him to knock it off if it comes up again! Maybe we need to implement a no-talking-to-kids rule. ???
I would tell your son a one line statement to help him exit the convo and reditect it to a healthy place and tell him that's to help him avoid getting hurt any further
I think I read it on Phil McGraw's site in an article.. he described threats to leave as a drastic act of abuse...
I saw him in a video say it was worse to threaten to leave for years and NOT leave than to just walk out...
"They will have been half healed after three years... But you just keep threatening them and don't do it"
Something like that...
It is a horrible thing to do to people...
I would tell him to keep negative commentary to himself.
If he's "just looking" then its not info you need.. He's just being negative...
He needs support for how miserable he feels (I don't think he feels any worse than you do, but he's the wayward right now so to his mind the sun rises and sets on his moods) but he's using his kids since he won't talk to a family therapist... That's pretty damaging in my opinion.
I will see if I can find the comment about threatening to leave as being abuse on McGraw's site
Yes, you are VERY right. I just didn't even look at it that way because I grew up being verbally/emotionally abused by my mother and I'm so used to different forms of that. I have to remember that there are other lines of respect to defend other than just outward actions: feelings, a sense of security, all of that. H doesn't get that of course. Well, obviously, since he didn't think the aftermath of an affair is as bad as the aftermath of poor spending habits...
Please, if you find that - share! That'd be awesome.
SO, later on when I get done with class, do you think I should email him and say something or just wait to see if it comes up again?
I did talk to S16 briefly last night and gently explained what was said. (He brought it up, actually.) He said he may write H a letter, as D18 did last week. I told him I did not want him caught in the middle. I just wanted support for the marriage if it came up again. I think you're very wise in suggesting I give each of the kids an "exit script" out of a conversation. Any ideas??? :-)
Bingo - It was on McGraw - I bolded the item in question
Does your partner continuously degrade or belittle you? If you think that just because you aren't being physically abused nothing is wrong, think again.
Emotional abuse can have devastating consequences on both physical and mental health. While emotional or psychological abuse may be difficult to pinpoint, examples abound. Here are some characteristics:
Using economic power to control you
Threatening to leave
Making you afraid by using looks, gestures or actions
Smashing things
Controlling you through minimizing, denying and blaming
Making light of the abuse and not taking your concerns about it seriously
Continually criticizing you, calling you names, shouting at you
Emotionally degrading you in private, but acting charming in public
Humiliating you in private or public
Withholding approval, appreciation or affection as punishment
Results of Verbal and Emotional Abuse, from the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness:
A distrust of her spontaneity A loss of enthusiasm An uncertainty about how she is coming across A concern that something is wrong with her An inclination to reviewing incidents with the hopes of determining what went wrong A loss of self-confidence A growing self-doubt An internalized critical voice A concern that she isn’t happier and ought to be An anxiety or fear of being crazy A sense that time is passing and she’s missing something A desire not to be the way she is, e.g. “too sensitive,” etc. A hesitancy to accept her perceptions A reluctance to come to conclusions A tendency to live in the future, e.g. “Everything will be great when/after …” A desire to escape or run away A distrust of future relationships
