Your H throwing the olive branch of closing his accounts is a start.
What he really should have done is turn the passwords over to you.. When he closes it he is also covering his own tracks... He didn't just close the account to the outside world, he closed it to you too...
It's a positive overall, just be aware of the selfish attributes of the gesture so you don't get overwhelmed...
You may want to start putting a schedule/program/plan together for marriage rebuilding since it looks like he is folding his hands and willing to explore the program further.
He clearly doens't want to leave the comfort of his home and ante up for a second place of his own... all on his time..
You have a lot of leverage here right now Sunny even if you don't realize it.
Dr. Phil's work with his newest Dr. Phil Family has taken a critical turn. Although Stacy and Chris have struggled with infidelity and parenting issues, Dr. Phil is convinced that an attitude adjustment could work wonders for bringing them to a new level of trust and commitment. Below is his advice on starting that process.
Healing starts from within. Part of the problem in many relationships is that neither partner is willing to take ownership of their mistakes. Dr. Phil tells Chris and Stacy, "If you're going to heal a relationship in a family, it starts with you." He advises the couple to be introspective, and face the personal barriers that have prevented them from moving their marriage forward. Ask yourself: How do you contribute to or contaminate your relationship?
Face your control issues. Dr. Phil tells Stacy that she damages her relationship with Chris because she feels the need to maintain a "death grip" on her marriage. He observed that her control issues stem from a need to protect herself so that she doesn't get hurt. "At times, that goes so far as, 'Get them before they get me,'" he explains. "Trust in others has so much to do with how much confidence and trust we have in ourselves." Often this includes letting go of the need for hypervigilance, and getting real about our fears.
Give yourself credit. We've all had to deal with those negative inner voices that tell us we're not good enough, we'll never be loved or we're not entitled to happiness. He advised Stacy to stop doubting herself, and stay plugged into the positive things she has achieved in her marriage. Despite everything that she's been through in her life, Dr. Phil tells Stacy, "You need to give yourself credit for saying, 'I'm still here.'" Silencing those inner demons requires a change in your perspective.
Understand your history. Many relationships are sabotaged when a partner brings in emotional baggage from past disappointments. In Stacy's case, Dr. Phil discovered that some of her trust issues stemmed from not having had a good relationship with her mother. "Everybody has a way of being in the world," he tells Stacy. "Yours is that you don't trust anybody." Recognize that personal barriers from the past may keep you from plugging in to your relationship.
Behave your way to success. "There's a thin line between 'fake it 'til you make it,' and behaving your way to success," Dr. Phil points out. If you want confidence, you have to take on a confident posture. This can be as simple as putting more confidence in your walk and in your demeanor. If your issue is trust, put yourself in situations where you have to behave in a trusting manner. Real change comes from within.
What's your approach? Dr. Phil reminds us that attitude is all about how you approach things in life. He asks, "Are you being open-minded? Are you considering the things that you may avoid out of fear?" He urges Stacy to take a different approach to communicating with her husband. Instead of yelling at her husband or testing him, Dr. Phil advises Stacy to give herself and her husband credit for their commitment to making the relationship work.
This is the problem with the private meetings is that it LOOKS like you want your "side" taken.
If you read Relationship Rescue and start printing out Phil McGraw's truth darts and pasting them around the house in your work areas your H will start reading them I am sure...
Your H really should read McGraw, but you can tease him into it by leaving samples about in yoru work area for him to snoop at...
The first half is the most important part in my opinion.. McGraw is VERY good at concisesly directing you to the better.
We can work wtih you to come up with some truth darts and such the next time your H starts fingerpointing/fault finding
The point is to diffuse the argument while at the same time revealing the destructive behaviour your H's using and showing him a more constructive route to take... Three pronged attack... McGraw is pretty darn good at it.
We can trap you some videos of him tossing out the bullets too
NICE!!! I like seeing video that gives examples of how to be and not just reading general philosophies. Those have their place as well, of course, but practicals are what I need right now.
Your H throwing the olive branch of closing his accounts is a start.
What he really should have done is turn the passwords over to you.. When he closes it he is also covering his own tracks... He didn't just close the account to the outside world, he closed it to you too...
It's a positive overall, just be aware of the selfish attributes of the gesture so you don't get overwhelmed...
You may want to start putting a schedule/program/plan together for marriage rebuilding since it looks like he is folding his hands and willing to explore the program further.
He clearly doens't want to leave the comfort of his home and ante up for a second place of his own... all on his time..
You have a lot of leverage here right now Sunny even if you don't realize it.
Oh, I agree: it's A gesture but not THE gesture. I'm sure he will try to appease me to the point of not booting him out while not wanting to commit to the marriage either.
Here's the thing: I don't know what I'll do if he decides he is going to have a good attitude, do the "steps", stop doing the negative crap, but still only wants to "work on the R, not the M." That will leave me in quite the quandry... So, lets say he's at 5% commitment level to marriage but is willing to do FT, continue with the homework, turn over the phone/computer, etc... I guess I don't make him leave even if he still claims to "have no feelings for me"?????
I feel like that's where this is headed and I don't have a clear answer for it. Part of me says "No commitment to M - it's time to go." The other part says that the positive behaviors/work will persuade him towards commitment.
Whole show - I skimmed it and McGraw uses this one to highlight divorce and when to turn that route.. lots of good general points being made throughout the show...
I would do teh funny one last to help you deal with the long serious one... your call.. watch teh funny one first and again after the dr phil... that works too
