Believe me, I have my DR book tabbed and highlighted. As I said in my first post, I had made a lot of nono’s after the bomb dropped. However my limited wisdom did tell me to back off and let her do her thing. That’s when she started enjoying her freedom. Unfortunately I lost all that time sitting on my hands at home instead of working on myself and implementing some other techniques.
So, now to my faults.
I may see them totally differently than my W because we never communicated any of our problems until things got heated.
We met when I just finished divorcing my previous M. There was infidelity committed by my ex W. I was scarred and very insecure and paranoid because of that. I became too obsessive in my new relationship. That in turn made W turn out little white lies. That was easier than dealing with the truth and consequences.
I was also a bit lazy doing the household chores.
I was also a perfectionist that drove W nuts at times. I would not let her things that I knew I was better at. Not even booking a vacation. She called me all around controlling.
So here comes the sad part.
About 6 years ago she had enough and wanted to end the R. She finally told me truly what had been bugging her and I promised to change. She said that people never change and refused to work on the R. My limited wisdom told me that I need to let her go and agreed to give up my half of the house. So I sold it to her for $1. In turn she promised to pay me back my down payment of $20,000
The day I signed the papers was the best day of my life. She took me out to dinner and asked me to STAY. We had not spoken for weeks. The new beginning encouraged me to change. I changed everything except maybe the total spontaneous stuff. I don’t live by a schedule but need a little advance notice on certain things and events.
I became a chef, a cleaner, dog care taker while she was lounging on the couch. She never even went to the supermarket any more just gave me lists. I am not saying that she did not do her share but I had to do my half of her stuff and a full of my own.
She became more and more controlling of everything to the point that I just went along like a limp sausage. As her career took her to the higher clouds she grew her ego to unhealthy size and became narcissistic at times.
I often wonder whether the drastic role change made me boring to her, but I lost control so quickly and rapidly that I really could not figure out how to bring myself back.
So faults today are different than in the past. I fixed myself to her liking and now I don’t like myself.
Today is a very similar situation that I was in 6 years ago, but yet different. I have no control over the house and she has nothing to complain about. She has stated many times that I am close to perfect when it comes of being a “husband” but yet she does not see me as someone to be in love with.
Is there a paradox here? Did she create herself a man that is not what she wanted?
You see, I have a lot of work to do on myself. She fell in love with a different person with a few flaws. I can become that man again without the flaws. I guess I lost more personality that was needed.
I became a chef, a cleaner, dog care taker while she was lounging on the couch. She never even went to the supermarket any more just gave me lists. I am not saying that she did not do her share but I had to do my half of her stuff and a full of my own.
She became more and more controlling of everything to the point that I just went along like a limp sausage. As her career took her to the higher clouds she grew her ego to unhealthy size and became narcissistic at times.
I often wonder whether the drastic role change made me boring to her, but I lost control so quickly and rapidly that I really could not figure out how to bring myself back.
Boredom is not healthy in a marriage. I think you see where to start some of your 180s.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thank Coach. That's what I will be focusing on. I'm sitting in a cafe right now getting ready to go home and be strong and resolute. Since I don't consider myself a weak person (weak only for W) it is not too hard for me to gain back the confidence.
I need more time to DB. So I need to be a little careful.
Tonight will be interesting. Thursday I have another session with IC.
It's hard, but try to think about how you were when you first met. Full of ambition? In great shape? Paid a lot of attention to her? What?
When you first start dating, you become incredibly efficient at determining what's working to attract the opposite sex. Conversely, when things fall apart, you become totally lost in seeing what works. And some of the changes and things you do will have only a small, incremental effect. You may not see any progress for days and weeks. So don't focus on any signs or portents. They'll drive you nuts.
Pay attention however, to what DOESN'T work, and stop that behaviour ASAP.
I was torn in minutes ago whe W texted that she's late again. It's been like that forever. She knows I will not neglect our four legged kids.
Considering what happened last night my first reaction was not to respond. I wanted her to wonder if I really got mad and may stay out myself. But then I thought that maybe that is exactly what she wants me to feel or do.
180 can be confusing. I decided to text back and be nice like nothing happened. It would have been too predictable for her to think that I was angry.
I will leave the no response for next time when she least expects that.
Besides I rather be home now with my "kids" feeling the unconditional love and go for a late dinner hoping that she would come home while I'm out.
Right now I cannot stomach to see her unless she comes home sober and shows some remorce. She is not an apologetic person. Only her actions speak for her mind.
I have no idea what she's doing right now. She could be at her mom's looking for wisdom. She could be getting drunk at her watering hole with her loser friends. She could be meeting a lawyer. She could be finding an assasin to kill me (just kidding).
Right now I cannot stomach to see her unless she comes home sober and shows some remorce. She is not an apologetic person. Only her actions speak for her mind.
I have no idea what she's doing right now. She could be at her mom's looking for wisdom. She could be getting drunk at her watering hole with her loser friends. She could be meeting a lawyer. She could be finding an assasin to kill me (just kidding).
Don't hold your breath for an apology. My W only said sorry to me Maybe 10 time in 14 years.
Stop thinking about what she doing,. Trust me on this, it will eat you up and drive you crazy.
Instead of waiting for her to come home why don't you go out for yourself and let her know that you will be late coming home?
Mix it up and be mysterious. Change your look, wear some new cologne dress differently. She will start to notice.
This is the tricky part, you have to make her feel as if she's losing you.
Last edited by gr8 day 2B alive; 08/04/1001:25 PM.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
"Settin her free" is indeed my priority right now. I don't want to move out because I was not the one calling the quits. She won't move out because she owns the house.
So I will try to distance myself while still in the house.
About 6 years ago she had enough and wanted to end the R. She finally told me truly what had been bugging her and I promised to change. She said that people never change and refused to work on the R. My limited wisdom told me that I need to let her go and agreed to give up my half of the house. So I sold it to her for $1. In turn she promised to pay me back my down payment of $20,000
Are you saying your name is not on the mortgage?
This would scare me. I don't know the laws pertaining to this but it would seem she can make you leave, right?
Is there anything in writing about her repaying the 20k?
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Yes, she can throw me out if she wants to. It will not be easy because legally I could take her to court for equity that belongs to me. I don't think it will come to that but it certainly weakens my bargaining power.
The previous money was spent on repairs once we reconciled last time. So that's gone for now.
I am afraid that I will have to move just to avoid the battle. Right now I don't really want to think that far.
I could also offer her a written contract that makes me responsible for paying her mortgage if she agrees to leave.
That could have a time limit on it after which I have to buy her out.
Or she can suffer financially, emotionally and physically keeping it all to herself if I just packed up and left.
One thing that is absolute. Our pets are a pack and have to stay together and they have to stay with the house. I've seen too many times the stress that the pets suffer when relocated to new and strange environment especially with only one owner present.
