I would jsut start using the RR spirits list in your scripts you throw at him...
That's where i got my truth darts was the work of the pros like Tupy and McGraw... my wife got hit with them regularly and it left her head spinning. She KNEW i had a point but was thinking "where the heck did that come from?"
I wasn't just challenging her, I was educating her as I challenged her and it was stuff she never heard from me before, or put so concisely.
You could jsut take the parental approach. Wait for his rant of blame to finish up and then ask him
Are you finished blaming everyone else for how you feel? Can I go to bed now? I have a lot of work to do all week long and this is exhausting.
or
Funny how our moods are our responsability, but when YOU feel miserable YOu aren't responsbile for that at all.
I feel pretty darn miserable right now too, but I am making appointments with family therapists and booking weekends to solve problems. I feel misrable, but I am OWNING how miserable I am and doing something about that WITHOUT hurting the famly in the process.
Can you do that? Repair how YOU feel without hurting everyone ELSE at the same time?
I can... Heck the DOG can manage that...
OK, you feel miserable, I feel miserable. We can do the work to start feeling better WITHIN the marriage or we can be childish and selfish and run away to a divorce lawyer... you want to be a child or an adult about this?
I like working with language so there's only two choices with one good and the other bad...
When you make it that clear cut they can't argue anymroe. They may not LIKE IT, but it does put an end to the argument.
I am wondering Sunny if your H follows sports at all?
I often try to explain a marriage like a sports team.
I would ask him point blank what managers do with bitter cynical players that refuse to show up for practice, won't participate in events, and are negative and threaten to quit whenever management tries to talk with them...
MOST of the time ball teams TOSS that dead weight OUT...
I think if your H likes sports I would start wording things that way... Most men like sports (I don't follow them, but i know a lot of men do) and he very likley knows how sports teams deal with dead weight like him...
It may start to hit home that he's not giving anywhere near 50%.
He can talk about his mood all he wants, but in the end its an excuse : You contribute your 100% or you get OUT and stop whining... If you want to bail then do it and do the walk of shame and own it...
You should read RR, Sunny. Don't wait for H to do it. You can apply the things in the book even without his cooperation. It was essential to me in DBing. It teaches you how to use the truth darts effectively. I was amazed how often I said things to my H and a few days/week later, he stated it as if it was his idea.
I walked the fine line of friends/accountability and it worked for me. I think you have a unique opportunity to employ RR's strategies and see what happens. At first you'll get a lot more negative responses than positive but eventually the balance tips.
I am wondering Sunny if your H follows sports at all?
I often try to explain a marriage like a sports team.
I would ask him point blank what managers do with bitter cynical players that refuse to show up for practice, won't participate in events, and are negative and threaten to quit whenever management tries to talk with them...
MOST of the time ball teams TOSS that dead weight OUT...
I think if your H likes sports I would start wording things that way... Most men like sports (I don't follow them, but i know a lot of men do) and he very likley knows how sports teams deal with dead weight like him...
It may start to hit home that he's not giving anywhere near 50%.
He can talk about his mood all he wants, but in the end its an excuse : You contribute your 100% or you get OUT and stop whining... If you want to bail then do it and do the walk of shame and own it...
etc
HUGE sports fan...as am I, actually. Great analogy!
FYI: Got a text from him awhile ago that said, "I have deleted my Myspace account and suspended Facebook." I waited 30 min. and replied, "OK. Thanks for that."
I wanted to say, "That's a nice gesture, but it doesn't solve the fact that you already have email addresses and phone #'s you need..." But I didn't. It's not the core issue of the day and I don't want to address that over text.
You should read RR, Sunny. Don't wait for H to do it. You can apply the things in the book even without his cooperation. It was essential to me in DBing. It teaches you how to use the truth darts effectively. I was amazed how often I said things to my H and a few days/week later, he stated it as if it was his idea.
I walked the fine line of friends/accountability and it worked for me. I think you have a unique opportunity to employ RR's strategies and see what happens. At first you'll get a lot more negative responses than positive but eventually the balance tips.
Just to add, Allen, I've been doing some of that with my psych knowledge of relationships, etc... but I hadn't particularly read RR or employed those techniques. My counselor had called the truth dart concept "planting seeds" and so I've been doing that some. The biggest difference is, you give me specifics I can use! :-)
Ugh... S16 just told me he is worried about S14 - that S14 is "siding with dad" and thinks I am trying to manipulate him to my side. I was SO very careful in what I said to him but not careful enough. He just doesn't get it. He is borderline Aspergers (a form of autism - not a lot of emotion/social empathy) so I knew it would be tough, esp. since he is so much like H and identifies with him greatly.
Now I have to try to undo that. I don't want any of the kids feeling I am manipulating them!!!
You can't make your children "side" with you or your H. Don't even try. They are old enough to see what's going on and judge for themselves. Any attempt on your part to influence them will only backfire. Just keep doing what you know to be right for your family.
You can't make your children "side" with you or your H. Don't even try. They are old enough to see what's going on and judge for themselves. Any attempt on your part to influence them will only backfire. Just keep doing what you know to be right for your family.
Oh, I didn't want any siding going on other than siding for the marriage! I was just trying to prepare S14 as I have done with the older 2 that things may be coming down the pike. I wanted him to not be blind-sided. H has already tried to discuss things with all 3 kids as to his side... I wanted some balance there. I wanted the 3 of them to know I am fighting for our family. I was totally respectful of H when talking to S14. I'm trying very hard to take the high road.
I spoke with S14 again and explained that I didn't want him to feel manipulated. I let him know I love H and just want our family intact - no siding.
This is the problem with the private meetings is that it LOOKS like you want your "side" taken.
If you read Relationship Rescue and start printing out Phil McGraw's truth darts and pasting them around the house in your work areas your H will start reading them I am sure...
Your H really should read McGraw, but you can tease him into it by leaving samples about in yoru work area for him to snoop at...
The first half is the most important part in my opinion.. McGraw is VERY good at concisesly directing you to the better.
We can work wtih you to come up with some truth darts and such the next time your H starts fingerpointing/fault finding
The point is to diffuse the argument while at the same time revealing the destructive behaviour your H's using and showing him a more constructive route to take... Three pronged attack... McGraw is pretty darn good at it.
We can trap you some videos of him tossing out the bullets too
