The Next Phase

[idontunderstand]

I copied this from your thread and it does a good job of putting into words the way that most all of us feel at one time or another.

Sometimes it feels (well not sometimes, always) like I've been going through this for years. It's only been 30 days, and I've felt more pain and sadness than I ever thought possible. If only our WASs knew, actually knew how much pain their actions bring us.

I need to learn patience. I need to detach. I need to find God's grace. I need to mend. But all I can do is feel pain. Even during my GALs, I'll see a family walking together and wonder why that's not my family. Or a couple laughing at a restaurant, or walking down the street holding hands.

I never once considered cheating on my wife, though my emotional and physical needs weren't being met. Never once thought of leaving her and our kids. Never flirted with other women, disrespecting the vows I made.

Despair is the worst emotion; worse than fear, worse than rejection. Despair is my mortal enemy. And despair is winning...

I guess the hard part is moving away from despair and replacing that emotion with hope and wisdom. We understand that the WAS is not thinking rationally. It is useless to try and figure out what she is thinking. She may not honestly know herself. We must improve ourselves first and formost for ourselves. The plan is for her to notice and to be attracted to the man that they fell in love with so long ago who has been lost a little bit. Because of stresses of family, work or whatever, we do lose sight of who we are. To find that person again is a blessing.

All of the LBS here WILL come out on the other side of this hell a better person. I have no doubt of that whatsoever. If we could all only follow our own advice and do what needs to be done, we would be so much better off. I think I am past despair, but I still have some fear inside. That is not a good thing. I have to let go of the fear. Coach told me once that they can sense it. I'm sure that's true no matter how much I think I am hiding it, she knows I am afraid of doing what I should do, what anyone would do; File for D myself. I don't deserve being treated this way and shouldn't have to live this way. But, as we have all read here over and over, that is sometimes the only thing that wakes them up. And if it doesn't, what is the worse that could happen? We save ourselves months and maybe years of ongoing hell in broken marriages that we alone are trying to fix.

Again, that is no way to live.

Hang in there. It does get easier and you do get stronger. Have the faith to do the hard work and know that it will work out for the best even though it may not seem like it at the time.

[Chuck66]

I re-read your thread to give me the courage to file as well. I am afraid too. My parents got a D in 1972 and changed my life forever and I swore I would never get one. I never did pinpoint an OM but with her working more and more (60-70 hours a week) does it really matter if there is an OM or not. She is never around enough to have a M.

Chuck

[idontunderstand]

Thank for checking in, Chuck. If I can help someone, it makes this all worth while. I can't imagine my up and down, back and forth response to my sitch is encouraging to anyone but I hope you can at least learn from my mistakes.




Journaling:

Got home from work last night and the neighbor kids were over playing with our kids. W was watching TV. I told everyone hi and went out to cut grass. I came back in after dark and ate a little supper. D6 and S4 came in and "snacked" with me. W's phone rang with a txt. D6 went to get it thinking it was my phone. She said, "You got a txt, Dad." Then she saw it was not my phone and put it back down. I told her to take it to Mom. She came and sat down by me and started eating again. I told her again to take mom's phone to her. She said, "No, I don't want to......aggravate her." I guess the kids have been told not to mess with mom's phone.

Haven't talked to W in three days. The kids are starting to ask more questions. I know it can't go on like this.

[DanF]

Sorry to hear about your sitch IDU. Hang in there man and stay strong for your kids. You are doing great.

[idontunderstand]

Journaling:

W worked her normal job from 4 to noon on Sat., 7-30. Then went to her restaurant job. Supposed to get off at 8. She got home after 11:00.
She worked her regular job again Sun. Txt me and said the restaurant asked her to work because someone called in sick. She got home @4:00 and went to sleep. The kids and I were gone swimming. We got home at 6:30, I gave them all showers and made pizza for supper. W woke up and helped with supper. I showered and we watched TV for a while. She went to bed with S4 and the rest of us finished a movie and went to bed. D6 asked if she could sleep with me so I let her. She usually comes into my room sometime in the middle of the night anyway. I read where Puppy said that may not be a good idea. IDK. We have always let the little ones sleep with us if they were scared or had a nightmare. If she wants to use that against me, I guess I can't stop her.

[LSG]

IDU,

My W and I let the kids sleep in the bed until about 4 years, but I have been working hard to move the kids away from it. It has been difficult for S to adjust the most. He uses excuses to sleep in our bed all the time.

I believe it is best in my situation to have him sleep in his own, but you have to make your own decisions best for you.

[idontunderstand]

Thanks again, LSG.

I contacted my L today and had her start the paperwork for filing.

I'm scared.

I tried reaching out to her this weekend and got a nasty look and she jerked her hand back as if she had touched a snake.

I know this is not final yet but it sure seems like I'm putting another nail in the coffin.

I am standing up for myself and family. I should have kicked her out last Sep. I was too scared. I'm still scared. Not to lose her but losing time with my kids and, yes, the financial aspects of it all. It will probably ruin both of us.

I hope it's not too late but I accept, grudgingly, that it probably is.

Thanks, everyone, for all the help. I wish I would have listened sooner.

[Chuck66]

IDU,
I authorized my L to file but I don't think the papers have gone to the courthouse yet. So I am just a smidge ahead of you on the roller coaster.

I had a crazy thought the other day. My L said the D will take at LEAST 6 months or the end of Jan 2011! Since I am the one who filed. In Dec, can I retract my D paperwork and if W wanted to file would it then take another 6 months? If that were true I would keep that timeline to myself and not feel like me filing for D is the last nail in the M coffin and I could go back to working on DBing even while the D progresses.

It was just a thought.

[LSG]

IDU,

It is scary, and I still have some fear. My W made the choice for the kids and me. I just accept what will happen will happen, and I will be okay no matter what. It helps me to deal with the stress of it all. Check with attorneys for the best place to file. My attorneys told me the place that my W filed rules in favor of woman most of the time. I have to believe it will be okay.

It is not final yet, IDU. It has been said on here that maybe filing for D will be the wake-up call to the WAS. You never know.

Maybe it will bring you some peace too. You need that. It weighs on the mind. Limbo is no fun to be in forever.

You may have listened, but you were not ready to make the decisions you are now. Don't regret what you had done to get to the point you are now.

Remember it is never too late.

Keep doing what you feel is in yours and your kids best interest. It is your decision.

Take care and try to have a nice day!

[gr8 day 2B alive]

IDU
and LSG

It is not final yet, IDU. It has been said on here that maybe filing for D will be the wake-up call to the WAS. You never know.

Maybe it will bring you some peace too. You need that. It weighs on the mind. Limbo is no fun to be in forever.

I am very close to filing myself.

Like most of the important items in the M, I will need to take care of business.

Maybe me filing will wake her up, maybe not. I'm not banking on anything.

I feel extremely detached from her, in fact I only contact her through email and it's always about the kids or finances.

Stay string idu, things will work out for you and your kids.
And know that you tried to save your family.


Tough times go away, tough people don't.

gr8