Happy Bombaversary to me...happy bombaversary to me...
Everyone join in! You all know how it goes!
Well, I did it guys. With your help, and my RL friends, I'm here. I got through it.
The days leading up to Aug.1st were hard. More than the date, though, was the unspooling of current and past events.
Because my work has a regular rhythm, it plays out the same...like Groundhog's Day.
This night, the night of the Spanish play last year, X had OW over to the house, to show her what his life was like.
Today, the day after the Spanish play, X and I went for a bike ride. The day unfurled just like always. Until he looked at me and said " we have to talk"
The day after...etc.
Today, Monday, going to work triggered all the feelings of last year. This day, last year, I staggered into work. Acted as if (AFAIK!) everything was normal. Carried on, while inside I was dying.
Etc. Re-living the moment, like being a time traveler who knows the meteor is going to hit the Earth, but is powerless to stop it.
But now it is the 2nd. Moved past the calendar anniversary of August 1st, and the event anniversary of shows/work.
Stacked 3 1/2 cords of firewood this weekend. Let me tell you, there's a lot of therapy to be had in stacking firewood! Maybe I should hire myself out. I'd get a great workout, earn some $, and solve the world's problems. Or at least mine.
Sooo...the thoughts and tears and feelings are there. But I survive them. I gently shoosh away the thoughts. I acknowledge the tears and feelings.
There's more tears to come, I know.
And more joy. So everyone says. And they were right about me surviving, so maybe they are right about that.
You have more than survived! You have walked through this and found an inner strength you didn't know you had. And you are moving forward with that strength.
Those bombaversaries are killers. As much as we try to tell ourselves they don't matter and it is a new year etc., there is something about the trauma that just takes us back. I am glad you acknowledged it and let yourself feel and deal with the memories. That is one more step in the healing.
I do believe there is joy to come, for all of us. It is a matter of time.
RHW I am right there with your sentiments. Been lurking in this thread and feel the same way. Divorce really does make you a better person and makes you stronger.
My own bombaversary is coming up in Oct so I have a bit to go.
But I can plainly see my personal growth and improvements and my strenth even if my XW never will. It is her loss and she is a fool. But I will not be a fool for her any longer.
I now know what it feels like to truly be loved and respected by a woman. This is something I never really got from my XW. At least not for years. I forgot what that really felt like.
((Aver)).
Aver, How about you deep fry that fish for us and we will all come over and Ill bring some beer.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
(((((Aver)))) Yes you have much more than survived! You are strong, smart and an inspiration!
It's true the bombaversaries are killers. I know how it feels to relive that awful day, and isn't it a relief to have it over?
Thinking of you, even though I've been sort of MIA. Sending you hugs and lots of positive energy. With many thanks for of your support on this rocky road. (((( ))))
I've been thinking of all of you, though I haven't had time to post.
Gardener, I am waay looking forward to next year..August 1st? what? hmm? oh, yeah, whatever!
The subconscious mind has fought up from the depths, and is producing lovely little X and OW dreams. This morning was a long involved one, wherein we were both sort of living in the house, and things were just going so smoothly and as if nothing had changed. I finally said something about it, and X started talking about all the reasons he couldn't trust OW, and wanted to get back with me. I was trying not to cry, and thinking..remember DB!!! don't give in too easily! Make him work for it! Funny, in all he was saying, he didn't say: ILY, just that OW wasn't working out for him. But I didn't notice that in my dream.
I woke up (next to my Transition Object! ) and fled to the bathroom for a drink of water and splash of water on my face.
I guess my mind just has to do this.
The tears come and go, but each day is a little better.
In fact, I am off on a bike riding date!
Hint: if you tell a date your full name and tell her to google you (I thought, great! I can find out if he is an ax-murderer!), and you have a great family website up--TAKE OFF THE LINK ABOUT YOUR GASTRIC REFLUX DISEASE HISTORY!!
Talk about TMI!! I almost canceled the date then and there.
But--nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? And at least I know he isn't an ax-murderer!
When I get back, I am going to check up on LFA! I want to know what's going on, girl!
Hi Aver! You always have the most interesting things to post about!! Why would anyone post about their gastric issues?? Wow.
Yeah, the dreams are weird. I guess it's our brains processing the trauma, the shock & all that stuff. I had one a few weeks ago, that seemed like H & I were in the same house, but yet he was open about OW. I remember feeling very pissed. But why was I there?? I can't even remember the details of it now.
For me, I was thinking (after I woke up) that H was in my dream b/c I haven't seen or spoken him since Nov., & I think our last emails were in May or June. Sometimes I dream about people in my life who died, like my parents. It seemed like one of those dreams. The brain works in mysterious ways.
Hope the date went well, and TMI wasn't revealed in conversation! You sound good Aver! Keeping me inspired.
Thinking of you, sending hugs (((( ))))).
Last edited by LookingFrAnswers; 08/23/1007:15 PM.
Oh, just posting about the roller coaster--every time you think you are off it--
In office the other day. Sorting out last year's files. And got to the spring show. And lost it. The whole thing--while I was taking notes on some stupid piece of scenery, X was doing...I was probably bit##ing about this dumb thing one night...and all he could think about was getting to visit her...etc.
Nothing like a good cry on your office floor, right?
So, get home. Go to check the mail with my usual trepidation. I have decided to treat EVERY trip to the mailbox as a possible bad thing--been burned too many times!
Sure enough, there is the official copy of the Quitclaim Deed. Not that I hadn't seen it before. Not that I hadn't signed it my very self.
But there it is. For my files, I guess. All that he was willing to give up, give away, for her. She must be pretty special, is all I can say.
So, more tears.
And the dreams keep coming, but I guess they have to, right?
Oh, and one more paranoia--the local paper (you know, the one that lauded X for all his work on the planning commission) had a note that the "Governor will award the Citizen of the Year to a very special citizen at Saturday's town celebration"...so I thought, of course it will be X! Why not? Seems like everyone thinks he is the cat's pajamas! Well, it can't REALLY go to him, as he is no longer a resident of this town, but I'm prepared for anything!
Just posting and journaling--I'll go check on other's threads, now!
) and fled to the bathroom for a drink of water and splash of water on my face.
