It is unbelievable that the WAW Syndrome is as massive as it is. When my W dropped the bomb on me back in the middle of April, I never saw it coming either. The world just collapsed on me. I did all the wrong things as most of LBS. Since W refused to go to IC, I finally decided to go by myself.
My counselor immediately asked me to read DR and told me that when I'm done reading I’ll realize that my WAW is a textbook case. I’ve read the book and already implementing some techniques. I found this site and have read, read and read some more of similar cases. I just cannot believe this epidemic.
Synopsis of my case.
We have been together for 13 years. Although not married we both have considered our relationship as a marriage. We have no kids, but 4 dogs and a cat which to both of us ARE our kids. So for all intensive purposes I can use all of the terminology on this site.
Sometime in the beginning of the year W started to act strangely, withdraw, agitated and just not the same any more. She started coming home a little late invisibly drunk sometimes. My inquiries to her whereabouts were not appreciated. She works in sales which is a complete male dominated world so I am sued to her entertaining her male clients all the time. But this time it smelled.
We just got done being sued. While the law suit was frivolous and ultimately dismissed it left the mark on both of us. The accuser tried to do everything in his power to destroy our careers and our relationship. We stood by each other and never gave up. That put tremendous stress on both of us particularly on her. Once the case was over, it was a great sigh of relief. But instead of returning to normal she started acting strange. That was in January.
By April her constant lies and deception had become unbearable to me to live with. I simply did not understand why she was lying so much for no real reason. (We are in the same industry and know every player in business – lying about who you are with or where is impossible).
So one night in the middle of April after she got home late and drunk and lied again I called it out. She went ballistic and told me ILYBNILWY, in fact with these exact words. She added that she has not loved me for last 10 years, that I am holding her hostage and now it’s time for me to move out.
(At this time I’d like to point out that there was not and is not EA/PA or OM.)
Next I made all of the mistakes and nono’s that the book outlines – yes I did them all. When nothing worked I decided to do nothing but that did not work either. She got more aggressive and started to stay out late all the time neglecting our “kids”, coming home trashed and picking fights about me leaving. This went on for months.
In July I decided to take a vacation and leave for a week hoping that the time off would help to calm her down. That did not work. She used the time to reach out to my best friends lie about me and tried to turn them against me or at least sympathetic towards her. The irony of that is of course that my friends simply did not believe her. Once she realized that she asked them not to tell me – they did it anyway.
There are so much more to tell but I leave it to discussion if anyone asks or if it becomes relative to the conversation.
My next session with IC is later this week but I have already started to implement some techniques. I decided that my case requires LRT as well as 180. Amazingly it has changed things a lot with less than a week.
She has stopped nagging on me leaving since I told her during her most recent outburst that it is not on my priority list, because I need to take care of myself. I said that I have been seeing a therapist, read books and sought help because I need to once again become the confident, witty, fun man that she fell in love with and that I need to do that for myself and not for her or anyone else. I said that we can talk about who should move out and the timeframe when I’m ready.
There was deafening silence in the room. She looked down like she was ashamed and said, I understand.
I started going out unexpectedly and returning unexpectedly. I cut off all communications with her. If she called my cell, I did not pick up. Waited for 20 minutes and called back asking “what’s up”. Within this short week she stopped staying out drinking, respectfully texting me if she was late and the only place she’s been hanging out has been her mom’s house.
All of a sudden when at home she has started telling me about her day and where she has been. I smile and listen. I have made a point of turning down TV volume and looking in her eyes when she has something to say. My responses have been lukewarm and short but I am doing it with a smile.
There are absolutely no urgency that I feel to jump on any conclusions. I know I have a long and rocky road ahead. She is extremely complicated person and not the average women. There are also a lot of other issues that I have not yet mentioned but a start is nevertheless a start.
The only thing I’m wondering about right now is how do I figure out that the response from her is genuine happiness that I may be finally leaving her or happiness that I have acknowledged the relationship in crisis and trying to better myself. Only time will tell.
Like all wise people here have said “You will never know if you don’t try everything. At the end you will be better off anyway.”
So ask away and I will update on my progress. Only a week ago I was in pain, lost and devastated. I am beginning to feel better although I know there will be bipolar episodes ahead.
I suffered a major setback. Months ago I made a huge mistake and reached out to W's family. In most part I received a cold shoulder and I never tried anything again. W's mother kept is quiet and caused no stir. However W's aunt managed to do something last night to cause a complete chaos.
W went to have dinner at her aunt's house. When she came home the whole hell broke loose. She was kicking and screaming, calling me names accusing me of lying to her family. I just sat frozen in horror as this insanity was unfolding. She threatened me with layers and declared all out war. She even started taking pictures of the house claiming that I would start destroying it in order to sabotage a potential sale.
I have never seen her that insane. I have no idea what to do now.
It was only days ago when we conversed amicably and she agreed that I needed my space too to deal with my own issues. I thought I was in the right tracks.
What do you think her aunt said to her to drive her to act that way?
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
First off dont reach out to family unless you are trying to bust an EA or PA. When you reach out to family it pushes the WAS further away almost pursueing. If she is in theis "state of mind" she is the one that needs to snap out of it, no one not even family can change her, only her.
As far as the blow up, stop talking to her family and go even darker on her, my 2 cents.
I think a little robx is needed here. Don't tolerate that abuse. You need to stand up to her and make it clear that you will not be her punching bag, physically or emotionally. If she can't discuss things rationally with you, refuse to be in the room with her.
Talking to your W's family may have been a tactical DBing error, but it wasn't some horrible offense. You are trying to save your M, and wanted their advice and support. Hardly a capital crime. Your W's reaction is due to her overwhelming guilt.
I have no idea what her aunt said. All I ever did was to express my concern for her health. She has not been physically well and she has been seeing her doctor multiple times. She has not told me what's going on with her and I was simply concerned.
As far as talking to the family, you are right, I should have never done that. It is well explained in DR why that is not a good idea. I haven't done it since.
After her outburst last night she did come back downstairs and sat next to me on the couch. I barely heard her whisper "What is it that you want?".
I could not take that question after what just happened and pretended that I did not hear it and took the dogs for a walk. When I returned she had gone to bed.
So one night in the middle of April after she got home late and drunk and lied again I called it out. She went ballistic and told me ILYBNILWY, in fact with these exact words. She added that she has not loved me for last 10 years, that I am holding her hostage and now it’s time for me to move out.
(At this time I’d like to point out that there was not and is not EA/PA or OM.)
Did you confirm this?
Just from my sitch, my W started to go out more and more and the mere fact of she was getting attention from OM made her feel M wasn't worth working on anymore.
As puppy would say- do your intel work so you know what you're up against.
What are some of her health issues?
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
My intel is solid. There is no OM. I did a lot of careful investigation. I am positive about that.
She has been doing a lot of self diagnosing on the internet from brain tumors to MS. She has a lot of symptoms that make me scared to death. She has only told me that her doctor thinks she's got anxiety, but her internet search history shows that she is not buying it and is trying to look for other potential problems.
While ago I though she was by-polar or had hormonal problems. Now it seems that there is something else going on.
She has only told me that her doctor thinks she's got anxiety
Pookie, I know about the anxiety, I had it pretty much since the time I proposed to W.
It did take a toll on my health. I have since controlled it by healthy eating and exercise. I drank a lot...a lot of coffee back then.I also drank beer frequantly at night to sooth my nerves. Now I'm into herbal teas and decaf coffee.
Started yoga class for the mind and body.
I feel great now and I don't worry about things I can't control.
What do you think your W worries about?
Finances, Kids , house??
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
