The letter may not have been as tough as you like, but maybe it will still have an impact. Your D is probably a little worried about her relationship with H.
My prayers are with you always.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Good insight on the letter, LSG. Thank you for your support.
Popping in to say the weekend is AWESOME! I would highly recommend it to EVERYONE in our positions...if you can get spouse to go. It's not what I thought it would be at all - but it's even better.
I don't have any time to go into details or stick around, but wanted to tell everyone that I think it is going well. H is not all of a sudden full committed to M but I have seen quite a bit of the fog lift... Lets hope it continues. Please continue praying for us: tomorrow is a big day. I can't wait to tell everyone the details of this workshop. It is SO worth it. So many people in pain....and going through what we are all going through. This workshop fits right in line with everything discussed here - DBing, Respect, huge stance on affairs and WHY THEY ARE NOT THE ANSWER TO M PROBLEMS, etc...
Well, I will start by saying I was prematurely optimistic when I wrote that Sat. night. I was correct about the weekend being awesome - it truly was! However, I discovered last night that H was not as affected by it all as I thought he'd been. It was truly sad - devastating in fact. I let my hopes and expectations rise greatly because of the positive things he said and the way he acted, just to be crushed by the reality that his commitment level had not changed at all. He is willing to "work on the R, but not the M" and I'm still not sure I understand that.
I will write a full report in a bit but I just wanted to put that out there. :-( Rough, rough night last night (but I recovered well, I believe.) Supposed to be in class right now but just couldn't get up and do it. I look and feel like hell.
Weekend Recap: New Beginnings was absolutely incredible and I would still recommend it, even though the end results for me on Sunday evening were not quite what I’d hoped and had come to expect after all the sessions. That’s why I ended up so hurt – because H displayed such positive behaviors after everything… but I’m getting ahead of myself.
Basically, we started off in a big group with a lecture type environment. Then we broke up into 2 smaller groups to do more personal sharing type stuff. The lecture type deal went into the anatomy of a relationship: why you’re attracted, why things go south, why affairs develop, why you withdraw, etc… It’s pretty specific and very insightful – even for someone like me who has been a Psych major and read tons of stuff on relationships. It was maybe the way the material was presented that made a difference, I’m not sure. Anyway, in the small group sessions it is not easy for people to share such intimate details about what’s going on with them, but everyone is better for it. When you leave for the day, you and your spouse are given homework to do together. It was through this homework interaction – and H seeming so positive – that my hopes rose in thinking the fog was lifting.
The Sunday night small group session is where people talk about how their commitment level to their marriage has changed over the 3 days. What they intend to do to strengthen their bond, if they now have hope they didn’t have, etc… Well, believe me: I didn’t expect H to go from totally uncommitted to 100% committed, but when he shared so arrogantly that he had only come because he was basically forced – that he still had very little commitment to the marriage and didn’t see the hope that everyone else saw in their situations, that he was committed to being a “good parent” along side me and working on our relationship but not the marriage – I was dumbfounded: totally blindsided – again – even worse perhaps than the day of the bomb. Why had he acted so positively all weekend yet still “had no hope”?! I actually stormed out of the room in tears – and was so completely embarrassed and humiliated. Here everyone else was professing their love for their spouses and renewing their commitments and H was a total and complete cold-hearted snake. I was basically inconsolable through the end of the day. I did go back into the room but I cried most of the time. I didn’t want to but I couldn’t stop myself. At the end, I did feel better that people came up and hugged me – told me H was an idiot if he couldn’t see what he had in me. The guy that ran the weekend hugged me and told me to have faith – that it wasn’t over – to just keep doing what was right.
So, we left and had the 4 hour ride home. H and I discussed our feelings. I told him that I understood his position and why I was hurt. I explained to him that he needed to make a decision that he was either going to work on the R or not – that if he had already made his mind up that he wanted out and was not going to work on the R – that he needed to go – that it is too hard and too confusing on me and on the kids for him to be home and yet separated in our own home. He said he understood but he never came to an actual decision that was definite. He mentioned all the changes in me. I said I was no longer the person I had been 3 months ago – that I was no longer willing to accept mediocrity in my life. I explained that I wasn’t just acting differently – that I feel differently; I AM different. And you know what? As hurt as I am right now, I believe it for myself. I DO realize that if H chooses to leave that he really is a complete idiot because if he thinks he can get someone better than me, he is mistaken. What’s sad for me mostly is that the kids will be the ones to pay the ultimate price for his complete and utter foolishness. That’s so hard. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do about that. I’ve done all I can to save him from himself and to keep it together.
This is hard – so very hard. I don’t know what to do from here and could use some insight. We have follow up stuff we’re supposed to do: 30 min. conversations each day, things to reconnect, etc… I don’t know whether to try to do those things are not. Part of me says yes: that if he’s willing to work on our R that it’s worth doing these things. Part of me says no: if he still is not committed to the M that the best thing I can do is let go – to force him to make a choice, out or in.
I expected this weekend to force that decision, I suppose. It didn’t really happen. It provided SO many tools, yet I stand more confused than when I left. During this weekend there are so many confessions of things, yet honestly – H showed no signs of an affair or near any confession of one. Doesn’t mean there isn’t one, of course.
I guess I now have to decide still whether or not I am going to ask him to leave if he doesn’t make a decision to do so. I have some non-negotiables if he does not leave: complete transparency with the cellphone and computer, time spent with me and not Xbox all the time, MC or the follow-up 8 week course after New Beginnings, stuff like that. If he won’t commit to these things, he should move out. Does that sound reasonable?
OK Sunny... The biggest mistake I can see right now is you putting all your emotions on HIS choices...
If you were a man I would say you have handed your balls over to your wife.
And why are you looking for him to say anything positive? He's a wayward and they do that.
I would carry on with the program whether he is involved or not.. You just learn a lot more and are all the better for it.
YOu don't need him to be part of the life you live everyday.
Your H's involvement is an option.
And why leave the decision of moving to him? You put the weekend in his hands, you put moving in his hands, you are talking about putting the homework for the program in his hands again...
If HE AGREES, it happens, if he doen'st agree.. it doens't happen... What the HELL is THAT?
YOu basically are surrendering 100% of your life to his erratic moods and let THAT drive you.
I could have told you at the end of the weekend he would still be bitter.. It is a first step...
HE needs to realize that if he pursues divorce there will be no "relationship" with you anymore. He thinks he can walk out with whomever he has on the other end of the phone and you will still be chummy with him : set him straight.
You divorce and abandon this family and you will not be welcome anymore. Period.
There are many spouses I have seen on this forum that want to cake-eat, and that's essentially what he's targeting for when he says he will work on the relationship but not the marriage.
He wants an amicable abandonment arrangement with you. Just tell him no deal - get out.
