A new beginning to an end

[soleil]

They say the tighter you grip something the more it wants to get out, when you loosen the grip it stops struggling.

Yep. It's like when you tell a child not to do something, they want to do it even more.

Friday noon I went to the courthouse to get copies of everything on my D file. Did happy hour with my co-worker. She asked about H and I told her we were separated. I have never told anyone at work that before. Baby steps.

I called him and he came over later, very late actually and I was half-asleep. He stayed over, wanted sex, didn't happen. Saturday morning he left & called later to see if he forgot something. I asked if he wanted to go to lunch and he said "No" that he'd made plans with his boss (who by the way he was out with the night before when he came over at 2 a.m.). Sunday he calls and says he has some of my mail, that he's renting a movie. Calls me again at 9ish to ask if I want to spend the night/watch said movie. I told him I was going to sleep after a long weekend of studying.

So that's that. This confuses me. He says he really really doesn't want a D but that we don't get along? Ugh. Advice, anyone? This is so convoluted. I haven't had sex with him since I got tested and was all clear. He has not been tested though I asked him to since he told me about the random chick.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Yeah this is utter BS. If he 'really really' doesn't want a D then what's he doing about the 'getting along' part- whatever that means?

Tell him actions speak louder than the words so when he checks himself (and you) into some kind of Retrovaille like program you may start believing him. Right now you don't trust him.

Look, the thing about marriages is it's a committment to work together. There will be lots of ups and downs in life especially when you will have kids etc. However, some people are always looking for that initial spark and the 'happily ever after' life. When the spark's gone they become bored and start straying. They want that constant 'falling in love' feeling which after 10+ years fizzles out, what remains is the trust, the bond from raising a family together etc.

So what do you want to do?

[soleil]

Romoe, well I'd like to not be confused by what he says. I will speak to him one last time I guess and tell him, WTF is your deal, man? (well not in those words, haha). Can't have it both ways.

I have an appontment to see a L next Monday and have cancelled the same appointment about 3 times within the last 10 months. Feels like I'm running out of time.

[soleil]

So I feel like I got some closure last night. I called H and we spoke and I told him I felt confused by his "I love you/I really, really don't want a D...but we don't get along" spiel.
I asked him if there was anything we could do to try to change that, MCing, something I could do/something he could do and he said, "Honestly no." Then we spoke some more and ping pong ensued and well I am glad we had that talk because I needed to hear it from him.

So that's it. I am going to see that L on Monday as planned but I wanted to talk to him first *just in case*.

Oh, on the phone he said "We both agree on this." And I said, "No, we don't."
This is totally his choice. And I cannot stay like this any longer. His wishy-washy-ness all this time... I just can't understand it. Once again he reiterated how he's not seeing anyone and has no intention on ever being with someone again (uh huh). Then he says, "I am sure lots of guys will be calling you now...they probably already do." And I was thinking, Wth are you talking about and wth do you care? I am so not there but why does he even mention it? He doesn't want to be M to me so what does it matter if in the future I get a call from a guy?

I guess I will never know if he partially/used me for GC but when I stack up the story, it doesn't look good.

So. That's the last of our round.

[brenalim]

Actions speak louder than words, always. He's going to play you with the "I love you, don't want a D, but we don't get along" crap for as long as he can. The "but" needs to be dropped from that statement and he needs to start putting into ACTION his desire to save the marriage. Talk is cheap.
Don't cancel the appointment with the lawyer. It's just a consultation and doesn't mean that you have to file the paperwork right then and there. Simply get the information to protect yourself. You've been in this limbo state for a while. Only you can take yourself out.
Stay positive, you're doing great!

[soleil]

Hey Brena. "Limbo" has been 10 months now, w/ serious probs surfacing of 2/09. I am not cancelling the appointment. That conversation for me was it. I wish things could be different but wishing isn't reality. I am done and it's time to move on with my life. This is his choice. I am letting go.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Sol, great job on confronting him! You got the answer that you didn't want to hear but needed to hear. I'm sorry this happened to you but I really do see a much healthier better future for you! You have time on your side and you're that much wiser from this experience.

He's being nice out of guilt and possibly so you can be lenient in the divorce process with the house etc- DON'T!!! Don't give up even a cent than what you're legally entitled to! This will make him mad but he can't have it both ways!

[brenalim]

ImprovedRomeo is right! Definitely don't let him have it both ways. I'm struggling with that myself so I know how hard it can be. You still want to believe that he's a good person. I'm not saying that you have to consider him "bad" but you need to put yourself first, all the time when it comes to him.
I'm glad that you're moving forward. It takes a lot of strength and courage to do it and I'm proud of you!

[soleil]

I passed my final last night for one of my classes!!! I am stoked. A funny thing happened too. Saw my parents last night and told my dad that I will be going to see a L on Monday re: D and he nonchalantly said, "I thought you already filed."

I dont know why but this made me laugh. Like it was so normal/unsurprising to him.

Then he offered me ice cream (my favorite). Aw. Good old dad.

Ran into my former neighbor's this morning (neighbors from me and H's house). They are elderly and were so happy to see me, hugging me, telling me to come back and visit, that they miss me. I thought they'd ask about me & H but they didn't (I know they still see him all the time). It was so nice to see them.

Sol, great job on confronting him! You got the answer that you didn't want to hear but needed to hear.

He's being nice out of guilt and possibly so you can be lenient in the divorce process with the house etc- DON'T!!!

Yeah I did need to hear it from him. Glad I did, too. And I hadn't thought about his niceness being related to our D'ing. Interesting... will def take that into consideration.

I'm glad that you're moving forward. It takes a lot of strength and courage to do it and I'm proud of you!

Hehe. Thanks for the pick-me-up. Yeah it feels as if I am turning a new page on my life. I walk around without my ring on and don't feel weird if people see my ringless finger anymore. Small things like that. This morning I made my bed and as I was putting the pillows atop I was thinking, H is never going to sleep on that side again and that's a reality. Acceptance.

Now I've got two more classes to finish and I will be done with this semester. Thank God!

[brenalim]

Let me be the first to congratulate you on passing your class! You should be proud that you did that and survived all the crap in your personal life too!!