Sad To Be Back 4 Years After The Bust

[robx]

My thinking on contacting her was this: someone has to make the first move in re-opening contact with each other. Something non demanding as simply having tea together should do the trick without seeming like persuing.

Since she did initiate a hug after D's birthday dinner last week, and then also called me to see if I still wanted her to come over (I missed the call) I don't think she's entirely against the thought of seeing each other.

And...I'm trying to find the fine line of allowing her to feel like I am interested in HER. I know a lot of us with WAS who felt they never got enough attention and car are in this predicament.

Your thoughts on contacting her because someone has to make the first move in re-opening contact were actually just you feeling the need to contact her after a period of no contact.

If you look at how this works, it works on you.
She doesn't contact you so it makes you want to contact her. So why not do the same with her and give it a try?

Let her initiate hugs,
let her call you,
seriously those are things she wants to do when she FEELS the need to do them,
let her do them,
but you don't want to wait for her to do these things,
you need to force your way and speed up the process and that's where you fail.

As soon as she starts to show interest,
you jump out from behind the door and start chasing her again, is your technique working? Is she banging at your door asking to come back home and work on the relationship?

I forgot to mention here that we did talk one day about the vacation being so bad for us. She did say that prior to that she thought things were getting better between us, but then she realized I really hadn't changed as much as she had hoped. There's a lesson in that.

Yeah there are a few lessons in that:
- we told you to go on vacations, we didn't necessarily tell you to bring her along, you could have gone with someone else and allow her to feel the loss of you and what you provide her with
- she thought things were getting better between the two of you, maybe she did or maybe she did that to soften the blow of telling you that she just doesn't FEEL it for you anymore and doesn't know how to say it without hurting you anymore
- then she realized that you really hadn't changed but not in the way you think, you still jump through every hoop she puts in front of you because she knows you will do it for a chance to get back with her, it's not very attractive, it's a bit of an ego boost for her, it makes her feel good to know she has this effect on you and she enjoys that part but that won't attract her to you, she wants an attractive man, not a pet dog to jump through hoops, in fact she doesn't want an actual pet dog either if I remember your last few posts about the puppy she dropped off at your place that she was too lazy to take care of

Think about her actions.
She buys things and loses interest quickly,
she can be irresponsible, she is lazy sometimes,
she only thinks of herself, if she doesn't make the effort to come over on sunday to share a meal with you guys she won't even be bothered to visit her kids, didn't she get all hot & bothered because your water heater broke and she had to allow you guys to come over to shower for 1 or 2 days, wow that's a real attractive quality for a wife and a mom LOL!
- And yet you still cling to her, are you that horny for sex? Or are you just attracted to women who treat you poorly?

There are other women out there, women that would treat you better and know what they have when they're in a relationship with you but you seem to be attracted to a woman that would treat you badly and won't accept you for who you are and she can't love you if she can't respect you and she can't respect you because you allow her to act poorly towards you and your family.

BTM I like you because I saw a bit of myself in you,
the guy who worked so hard for his wife to love him and she knows that and she still keeps you hanging by your fingernails. You will only realize the truth in any of the words I have typed here today when you finally hit your personal threshold point, that point where that toggle switch on the back of your head gets turned on and you finally have this clarity in your life as to what you should do. Everyone is different, you can't force clarity of this nature on anyone, it happens when it happens and it will happen for you one day when you realize what you are truly worth and that you are being rejected by someone who isn't worth it - things will change in your situation when that day happens.

I hope you have a good day bro, and a good weekend,
fill it with stuff to do, people to hang out with and good times to enjoy.

I have a plane to catch, bloody work,
talk to you all later ;-)

[Chuck66]

Wow that was good stuff Rob!

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I think this should be on ready2change's quotes board:

You will only realize the truth in any of the words I have typed here today when you finally hit your personal threshold point, that point where that toggle switch on the back of your head gets turned on and you finally have this clarity in your life as to what you should do. Everyone is different, you can't force clarity of this nature on anyone, it happens when it happens and it will happen for you one day when you realize what you are truly worth and that you are being rejected by someone who isn't worth it - things will change in your situation when that day happens

It truely is a light going off in your head.
YOu finally get to your threshold and say F!ck it, I am a good person and deserve someone who recognizes it.
I living my life for me now!

good post robx

[Coach]

You will only realize the truth in any of the words I have typed here today when you finally hit your personal threshold point, that point where that toggle switch on the back of your head gets turned on and you finally have this clarity in your life as to what you should do.

What helped me was challenging some of my dysfunctional beliefs (things I was taught, learned or a coping mechanism I had but wasn't working) and trying something new for myself. Woman and men don't think, act, talk or walk the same - understand the differences. Learn what women find attractive and what they need from their man. What I learned was it wasn't what I thought. We are both happy now.

Cheers

[FaithnAK]

I think this should be on ready2change's quotes board:

You will only realize the truth in any of the words I have typed here today when you finally hit your personal threshold point, that point where that toggle switch on the back of your head gets turned on and you finally have this clarity in your life as to what you should do. Everyone is different, you can't force clarity of this nature on anyone, it happens when it happens and it will happen for you one day when you realize what you are truly worth and that you are being rejected by someone who isn't worth it - things will change in your situation when that day happens

It truely is a light going off in your head.
YOu finally get to your threshold and say F!ck it, I am a good person and deserve someone who recognizes it.
I living my life for me now!

good post robx

I heard a little "ding" too.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Robx, on another F*%king brilliant drive-by everybody!!!\


"Brilliant!"





Puppy

[FaithnAK]

I get it bro, you're still head of heels in love with her.

And she knows it.

She doesn't feel that way about you.

And she can't feel that way about you until she FEELS that way about you if you get what I mean and that's only when she experiences that you've finally understood the way she feels. When you finally get how attraction works, when you stop pursuing and allow her to pursue what she's attracted to (be it you or someone else), when you finally let go and move on with your life and stop darkening her doorstep with your omniscient presence (always being there).

Leave her alone, move on with your life, you can be civil, friendly, cordial but you can stop contacting her and let her contact you. If that happens everyday or once a month, that's just how it's going to go.

She has to FEEL you let go.
She has to FEEL you move on.

And she can't FEEL any of that when you are always there.

This is priceless! PRICELESS! ROBX aka The Natural

[ddstartingover]

Robx - you nailed it! Anyone that is "stuck" should read this post.....and read it again....and read it again......

[gardengirl72]

Great post robx.

Sorry for the highjack...Coach could you elaborate a little more on what you meant by this:

What helped me was challenging some of my dysfunctional beliefs (things I was taught, learned or a coping mechanism I had but wasn't working) and trying something new for myself. Woman and men don't think, act, talk or walk the same - understand the differences. Learn what women find attractive and what they need from their man. What I learned was it wasn't what I thought. We are both happy now.

What was it you learned?

Thanks, ~gg.

[tbart01]

Coach, stupid question but how did you go about this quest to learn what women find attractive?

I just realized myself that my W can't have a clingy all consuming man. That's what I had become because she was my everything. As I went through this proceess I became more independent.

As my W saw me not needing her and doing things that she normally did, it caused her to question why she was leaving me. It was my ability to move on and stand on my own two feet that brought her back.

I would challenge anyone in this situation to do this. It's hard as hell to move on and realize that all this counter productive advice is actually great advice. It's the only way to save ourselves first and foremost, but if our spouses are meant to come back, they will. However, if they don't we'll be better people regardless.

I know I never expected mt W to tell me she wanted to drop the D, but she did. It wasn't until I completely detached and moved on that she saw the possibility of being without me.