I agree with TH --- there is nothing more irritating than a man trying to tell a woman how or what to feel. My H is constantly doing that, and I have started telling him that I will feel what I feel, and I don't need him to tell me any differently. It's one of the reasons I have finally decided to end our M of 24.5 years.
How does your H feel about the end?
From my point of view, I'm sure my W thought I was telling her how to feel too, but that wasn't my intention. I was just trying to explain things to her from my perspective and try to make her feel better. I didn't get it that women don't want that. They wand validation and empathy. Does your H understand that?
One night, my W told us that her friend, who has been through countless jobs and has been fired many times, got a new job in W's field. Not the same position, but working for the department of corrections. Well, this friend was slated to make a higher wage than W and she was upset that after working in her job for 20 years, this new person was going to make more.
I asked her what the responsibilities for the jobs were, how they were different, what level of people were hired for these jobs? W's friend has a lot of HR and some managerial experience and was being hired to represent the state in hearings the union filed against the state. This takes someone with experience and a bit of procedural court knowledge.
For W's position, that she had for 20 years, they hire people pretty much right out of school for. Kind of an entry level position. I tried to explain that the requirements for the jobs were different, required different skills and thus demanded different pay rates.
Well, how do you suppose she responded to that? She was VERY upset and told me that I always make her feel bad about herself. That wasn't my intention. I told her that WE decided she could stay in that job and work part time so she could take care of our kids and that that was MORE important than her job. It was a good decision that we made for our family and that it shouldn't matter what her pay rate was. We did what we thought was best.
None of it mattered. She still didn't feel better.
See how I looked at it vs how she looked at it or maybe men vs women look at it. Does your H understand this?
I'd hate to see you throw away 25 years of M over this kind of communication issue.
You can kick me if you want, as this is probably WAY too simplistic.
Sorry for the hijack!
Good luck Future. Press forward with the D. This is no way to live a married life. See azrob's thread for proof!
That's good to read, Future. I jumped to the same conclusion, and I apologize.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I'd hate to continue a hijack of Future's thread, so you'd have to check out my thread, DanF. It's a long story, and I am not coming to this decision lightly. But, here is an example of what he does .... I am worried about my D30's health, and he says "don't worry". All I wanted was a validation and maybe some comfort (which he isn't awfully good at either). So, there you are, how silly to tell a mother not to worry about her daughter's health.
Back to Future. (Hey, almost the name of the movie ... hehehehe)
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
"I've thought about what you said before you left. I've decided it won't work for me. I'm not willing to live in an open marriage while you date other men. If that's what you want, this isn't going to work, and we need to make arrangements with a mediator and we can work out the final details. We were almost there last year. I won't agree to anything less than 50/50 custody though, so if that's going to be an issue, we might as well not waste our time. The court will have to decide that one.
"I'd appreciate a quick answer on what you'd like to do -- no later than Monday. I'm sure neither one of us want to drag this thing out any further than we have to; Life is short."
Or similar.
Quote:
Thoughts??
she snorts and blows her diet pepsi out her nostrils and thinks I have read this before, hmmm.... where is the previous ultimatum he sent me. oh yeah. here it is.
previous ultimatum. ha ha ha. that's kinda funny.
Originally Posted By: 11/21/09
W-
I've decided I want to get the separation agreement done. This year if at all possible. I'll scrape up the money for my half of the cost, and if you can't afford your half right now, I'll cover that too and you can pay me back.
I'll send a note to the mediator to find a time that works for all of us.
the obvious hasn't smacked you across the face yet? there is already another guy in the picture
why else would you tell your spouse you are ok with them dating? because you are getting it or expecting to get it soon. you seem like a really great guy. wake up.
