We booked a flight to Puerto Rico for September 13. My W did a great job of finding a studio condo on the beach for a great price. I also agreed to the dance weekend with our studio for August 21-22.
My W is talking about having a family meeting (the dog too?) to discuss cleaining expectations in the common areas. That seems like a constructive idea, so will listen to what she has to say, when it occurs.
My W got drunk at a weekend studio Salsa party. I think she drank too much on an empty stomach. We had to pull over on the side of the road, while she threw-up. I didn't get upset about it, and was mildly embarrassed at the dance. I figured the natural consequences were harsh enough. The instructor told me that she thinks my W is a free spirit, and is crazy but with a big heart. A lady I danced with, noticed that my W and I were "back together." I guess a relationship shows its problems to the public to some extent. I replied that "I guess we are back together" and left it at that.
I signed-up for swimming lessons, and will likely begin in the next week. I want to get more comfortable in the water by our beach vacation. My W has been giving me some tips, when we go to the pool.
We've been spending a lot of time together--dance lessons and practice, exercise classes, dance venues, and restaurant. It goes well for the most part. Conflict occurs mainly around household cleaning standards.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
The household cleaning issue came to a head last night. My W kicked me out of the bedroom. After trying to sleep there, I heard my W stirring in her computer room, so I got up to face the music.
She kept trying to tell me what she wanted in a vague way--that I'm supposed to take the initiative as she would and meet her standards. In her mind, the problem is my lack of initiative and effort. In my mind, the problem is her lack of communiction in clearly telling me what her cleaning expectations are. She is to draft a list of household expectations. Her standards seem to increase when she is under stress, and the unemployment probably plays a factor, as she is there a great deal of time.
I was willing to lose some sleep, and stayed-up to clean the kitchen and bathroom for her. This seemed to ease her anxiety. I still slept in the guest room. I need to make sure that I commit to trying to meet to her cleaning expectations, as she wants to feel like she has a partner on this issue.
She's also upset with me because she asked me to schedule a fitness assessment at our center, and I did it only for her. She had asked that we do it back to back. I underestimeated, how much she wanted to partner on this. I'm feeling like I have limited time with dance lessons and now adding swim lessons. My lack of communication created this problem. I fell back into old habits on this one.
She's also upset with me because I ate her carryout leftover. I thought we operated under a 24 hour rule (after 24 hours, it's mine). I guess she had her mind set on this entree. She was angry when it wasn't available. The 24 hour rule has now been replaced with asking permission each time.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
You two have a unique arrangement!!! CL, just tell you wife that you failed Mind Reading 101. Since she is unemployed why doesn't she "step up" and do more to meet her own expectations??? I just feel you are the one always bending for her.
I was just talking to my ex yesterday and we talked about my poor housekeeping skills. He now has a girlfriend who keeps her house like a museum. He doesn't like that as much as he thought he would. Life is strange! Grass is not greener on the other side.
Cl, what can I say !!!. Other than you two have to be the oddest couple but as my mother would say you don't spoil another couple. Matilda is right why on earth is she not doing the housekeeping, for goodness sake, time to man up CL.
Your wife doesn't want a husband she wants a performing seal and once again you step up and be one.
There is just the two of you and a dog, that has to be removed or whatever you do with her when wifee throws a paddy. I had 3 children under 5 and assorted animals, looked after all of them and my business often away husband, washed cleaned arranged and cooked dinner parties etc, etc. This woman is beyond spoiled, and you just keep jumping as high as she demands.
You must know all about learned behaviour, even training animals. Do not leave the master bedroom.
Remind me what you are trying to restore ?? a marriage, did you ever have one. I thought I was beginning to see a glimmer of hope for you two, even given that no way do I understand either of you and it is not my place to judge but time and time again the talk has been of boundaries and it never happens when it really matters. I think I understand that you cannot cope with confrontation face to face and problems get sorted through emails , but it has to be now or never or else what happens from here on it will be what you deserve. OR what subconciously you think you deserve. Part of these new demands is because your wife has too much time on her hands and also lost her "playmate"
I hope you will find the strength and courage you need to stand up to her or throw her out.She has some sort of power over you, the take away thing is something my teens would have fought over and I would have stepped in and put it all in the bin and told them to grow up. Sorry I said too much, I hate to see you trampled under foot.
Naej and Matilda, My W and her mother do housecleaning and organizing weekly for several hours. I think she has a right to ask me to partner on the housecleaning. She also wants to get out of the role of reminding me to do my share. My response was one of validating her concerns. I told her I would do small cleaning tasks on a regular basis (about an hour per week). I think that would be reasonable. We're not talking Cinderella here.
I'm not trying to restore a M, as it was dysfunctional. I'm trying to improve myself in areas I need to, and am prepared to address major boundary violations. I'm seeing if I can move into being better partner. If I do this, I feel that I've made a good effort, even if it fails.
I've learned that the way to approach her when she has a complaint is to validate, and come up with a proposed solution as quickly as possible. I control the solution, and will determine how high the hoop is. We'll see if my approach gets her to back off on the nagging.
She has what are seemingly some OCD patterns, and overwhelms herself with details (the princess and the pea). The less she has to monitor me, the less stress she will have. The less she has in her life that is not being managed, the less stress she will have.
We don't have a M yet, but hopefully both are growing into one. We have more connection than roommates, and probably qualify as friends.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
She's also upset with me because I ate her carryout leftover. I thought we operated under a 24 hour rule (after 24 hours, it's mine). I guess she had her mind set on this entree. She was angry when it wasn't available. The 24 hour rule has now been replaced with asking permission each time.
CL
Cl Buddy, You don’t even want to hear my opinion on the house cleaning. YOU are the one working outside the house right? Let’s see who has more time……
Anyway you do what works for you.
BUT….. As for the left over’s…..Left over’s from a previous dinner at home are open game... BUT even I know the left over’s from a night out belong to whoever ordered it guy... WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Yes if I see it sitting in the frig I will ask W if she was going to eat if and if not CAN I HAVE IT….
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Not sure on your financial status but wife has no paid employment I gather so whose money pays for takeaway food? and why when she has all day does she need to buy ready made foods, specially when she is planning all these trips.
How much mess can 2 people make, you are out all day at work. Maybe you can employ her to keep your house clean. Weird.especially when her mother helps. CL I fail to see how you are in control, but its your life.
Just let her eat all the left over food, its a health risk anyway. I guarentee when this is sorted she will come up with another complaint. Is your job flexible or demanding,in terms of free time who has the most. By all means do your own cleaning up after yourself, but I wonder what she actually contributes to this friends/marriage partnership. I still get the feeling she has power over you and you are afraid of something so deep rooted that you do not allow it to surface. Anyway as you can see improvements and feel in control and this issue has been validated and sorted, I wish you well.
Doc, I'll take my lumps for the poor judgment regarding the carryout. I gave her money for the price of the meal, and offered to take her back next time we're downtown.
She wants me to partner with her on the housecleaning. The I'm working and your not explanation would probably not go over well. It's probably a sesitive topic. I'll perform small cleaning tasks on a more frequent basis, and tell her I've done them. That should put that problem to rest.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I went to bed in the main bedroom, without asking permission. My W showed-up to bed, and didn't say anything.
I emptied the dishwasher this morning, clearing the kitchen of clutter, and sent her an email about it. I think I do more than she realizes, without getting credit for it.
She and her mother bathed the dog today to rid him of a flea problem. I was going to do it when I got home from work.
My W went shopping for new fitness clothes. They are really sharp, and make her look younger. I made sure to compliment her about it. One of her complaints, is that I don't give enough compliments, or show enough appreciation.
She went for a fitness assessment at the center. She is to lose 11% body fat, and 10-20 pounds. She performed better than I expected. My assessment is in two weeks. I'm so happy to see her attending fitness classes, and making commitments to improved health. In five weeks, she is looking more fit, and showing signs of muscle tone.
My first swim lesson is tonight. I'm being taught by a high school age lifeguard, who has a calm, low-key approach. I think he wants me to start in the deep end, and feel the fear and do it anyway.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi CL, "I went to bed in the main bedroom, without asking permission" Now that's more like it. " I think he wants me to start in the deep end, and feel the fear and do it anyway. Hope it goes swimmingly, and then you can apply that to the rest of your life. Don't make me get cross again or I may have to come over there and push you in the deep end myself! OR have a few words with your wife.Is she an only child by any chance. Btw, raw garlic cloves put in your dogs food is great at keeping fleas away. Your wife would probably object to the smell though, but it does work.
