A new beginning to an end

[brenalim]

Soleil - thanks for the post on my thred. I'm trying... that's all I can say but I seem to be stuck in limbo too. The thing is, I left my family, friends, job, home to following him out of state for his job because he put a ring on my finger and promised me forever. Now, I do have friends here now, but for some reason, I don't think I should be the one to move out. The house is mostly mine and I did f@#% up our life. He's keeping the affair on the DL so he doesn't have friends to go to. When the house sells or I get a job back home where I'm from (I want to be near my family) then I'll be out of the house. I did ask him to move out last week so we'll see what happens when he gets back from his mini-vaca with the OW.

He's never mean to me. He's never said that any of this was my fault. in fact, he says that I'm wonderful and he doesn't deserve me. He loves me and all he wants for me is to be happy. As for his affair, I can have the proof in my hand waving it in his face and he'll deny that it's still happening. This makes me think that I'm crazy! I know... actions, not words.

As for you, I admire your strength to push through all this. I agree with you that getting a D is not the way to make things better. My H says that maybe we'll be together again in the future. Keep up the good work. Sounds to me like you're headed in the right direction! I'll try to catch up!

[brenalim]

Soleil - thanks for the post on my thred. I'm trying... that's all I can say but I seem to be stuck in limbo too. The thing is, I left my family, friends, job, home to following him out of state for his job because he put a ring on my finger and promised me forever. Now, I do have friends here now, but for some reason, I don't think I should be the one to move out. The house is mostly mine and I did f@#% up our life. He's keeping the affair on the DL so he doesn't have friends to go to. When the house sells or I get a job back home where I'm from (I want to be near my family) then I'll be out of the house. I did ask him to move out last week so we'll see what happens when he gets back from his mini-vaca with the OW.

He's never mean to me. He's never said that any of this was my fault. in fact, he says that I'm wonderful and he doesn't deserve me. He loves me and all he wants for me is to be happy. As for his affair, I can have the proof in my hand waving it in his face and he'll deny that it's still happening. This makes me think that I'm crazy! I know... actions, not words.

As for you, I admire your strength to push through all this. I agree with you that getting a D is not the way to make things better. My H says that maybe we'll be together again in the future. Keep up the good work. Sounds to me like you're headed in the right direction! I'll try to catch up!

[soleil]

It seemed to me he was very interested in getting his house free and clear while you were stuck with the used furniture?

Yes, that is correct. He filed for a legal separation through his attorney about 12 days after I moved out. He was adamant about us "not working" and did NOT want me to sign his green card for him. Then all of a sudden in January, something changed. He starts saying he wants to go to MC, he needs his GC signed and if I won't do it, he will have to file for D so he can get it on his own. I told him let's wait and do MC, but that I would sign it for him no matter what and he went and filed for D. Fast forward a few months of MC and he tells me The Big Story: that he wants to talk, that he f-cked the random club girl (same age I was when I met him - 23), and oh, by the way, he got his GC 2-ish months back. What? Re:the club girl, in January, H took me to this gorgeous nightclub downtown. I spent all day picking out a new outfit, got my hair done, etc. Come to find out, this was the same place he met said girl just a few weeks before and took her back to his friend's house (with her sister) and they each f-cked one of the girls. Classy, yes?
Then he says he wants to try to make us work, try everything, etc. And he cancels MC two days later without even telling/asking me.

But I digress. Maybe you are right. Maybe I have blinders on. (or did). He did file to dismiss the D a month after he petitioned it but I never signed it. I went one day to put in the mail box but I just ... didn't. Now to add to this, between all the lines in this mess, H and I have hung out almost every week since Dec/Jan up until recently and he's always saying how he loves me/misses me, etc. It's like a double entendre.

Changing gears again...you should think about the future though like if you plan to have kids, family etc do you see him as that person you can rely on and grow old with? If not, this is the time to end this. As harsh as it may sound I see so much positive in your and Brena's situation because you are both young and no kids yet!

When I was still living with H I would say there was no way in hell I'd have a baby with him (at the mo') since he would blank me for daaays on end/weeks. I couldn't imagine raising a child w/ that. Now that we're going through this I find myself thinking about how I'm 29 and have no kids, husband, or house. Funny how that happens. I don't feel "old" really but every day it seems a girlfriend of mine is getting pregnant and/or married. It just makes me think. And yes, I should totally take my own advice.

The house is mostly mine and I did f@#% up our life.

Why do you feel that YOU f-cked up your lives? He is the one carrying on with some other broad. As for him denying it, that's just lame at this point. But like someone in their other thread said--liars lie. And I agree with you -- he should be the one to move out. Did you tell anyone he was having an A? I know a lot of people say to "bust the affair." Do you still sleep in the same bed as him? Any movement on your house selling?

[ImprovedRomeo]

It sucks about the random girl...that's just messed up. I realize there are temptations and the grass looks greener on the other side but how people actually go through with it without thinking about the consequences or the hurt and pain. All I can say is they're just self-absorbed and selfish people and I hate to judge.

I'm sure it makes you think about the family and kids and all that but you're still young. You have this chance to get out of a relationship that could've fell apart later on and let me tell you that having kids especially when you don't have family nearby to help takes a lot of patience, understanding and hard work. Even great marriages experience the turbulence when starting a new family. I have no doubt that stbxw changed mostly during pregnancy and after DD was born. Like a switch flicked inside. So start out with a solid footing and foundation...

You have a good head on your shoulders and you'll be OK.

[brenalim]

Sorry Soliel - I meant that "I did NOT F@#% up our lives." Type-o.

You're not old and you have plenty of time to have kids. I've got a friend who is getting married next month for the first time and she's 38! People are getting married later in life these days and waiting to have kids. Healthy kids are born everyday! You'll be fine on that front. My cousin is getting remarried for the second time at age 52 and his fiance is 47 and this is her third marriage! I'm not sure if that's coming off as positive as I want it, but my point is, there is life after divorce. You'll be better than okay!

[soleil]

Yep, a "solid footing foundation" sounds supreme.

I'm not sure that I would ever marry again. Perhaps it's not for me. How do you guys feel about that personally (question for all of you in "Surviving the big d?" Do you think you would you ever remarry?

H called last night saying he had some of my mail. I stopped by to get it. Then we went out for a bite to eat. Last night he said how he loves and cares for me and he really really really doesn't want a divorce "but"--and then he starts saying how we dont get along at all, how we are fine for a few days and it starts again and (words words words). I said I agreed with everything he was saying and that I won't fight him anymore. Then he said I am making it sound like he wants a D. Huh? My thing is, if you are with someone and they say they love you and DO NOT want a divorce then say "but all we do is fight/we can't get along/there are too many problems" then how do you respond? You let them go, right? Why say all these positive things and then follow up with a negative thing? Makes no sense.

He stayed over last night. It was nice being in bed with him. He wanted sex but that did not happen (though I am definitely wanting sex lately!--gah, how to deal?!) LOL. We snuggled and he kissed me goodbye this morning when he left for work. I still love him. I know I suck at "detaching."

And with all this happening... I will not stand in his way anymore. I know that. It's bizarre.

[brenalim]

I feel for you Soleil... You've got to be careful though. I want more than anything else to fall asleep in my H arms again, to be held by him, to be kissed by him, and yes, sex too, but I also know that all of that won't change anything between us. Holding me won't stop his A and yes, while it feels good at the time, I'm simply torturing myself in the long run by letting it drag on. You have to take care of your heart in the long run, not the short term. Don't let him have his cake and eat it too or nothing will ever change. Change is scary, but it's necessary for you to move forward with your life.
I want to get married again. Thats my vote. Be good to yourself.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Hey good advice there from brena. Soleil (and Brena) two quick things. One please don't have sex with them ESPECIALLY if there have been other women. You don't want to catch something, this is a very real issue- don't ignore it. Two, for Soleil, if he's saying all these things again do you trust him? or is there an ulterior motive behind all this? Maybe he does mean it...do you see a future/family together? but and I don't want you to get your hopes up high but it is possible that he does realize what he had and now it's gone. So don't let him cake eat, make him feel that if that's the road he chooses than there's no cute Soleil there for him anymore. The sooner and harder it hits him the better. Don't let him ease into his new 'lifestyle'.

As for marriage for me no. I only stand to lose by getting married unless of course it's a supermodel then all bets are off...ok so no. However, I already have D6 and she's all the family I need. I would love to have a gf though but we'll see if she would have the same idea or not. Most women want to get married.

Just because he failed to honor the committement to you doesn't mean the marriage is not for you.

[soleil]

Romeo, I did get tested just a few weeks ago and saw doc on Monday - all clear. H has not been tested (and seemingly doesn't want to).

I'm not sure if H is just "saying" all these things. I think he does care and still feel an emotional connection with him. With that said, I also think he doesn't see us working long term (since he's told me numerous times how much he loves me, does NOT want a D, "but we don't get along." I am at the point where I've accepted it (though I don't agree with it). He is entitled to his own feelings and opinions just as I am. If he thinks this is the best solution, then who am I to fight him on it, right? It'd be worse to keep trying to no avail and wasting precious time in our lives.

I am unsure of how to tell people we are D'ing/split up when they ask, and they will. "He cancelled MC and doesn't think we get along." OR "We both decided it's not working so we're parting ways?" I'm so confuuuuused. LOL.

I'm supposed to go to the courthouse to get our file re: everything soon.

Romeo, I agree most women prob do want to marry but not all -- personally, I don't even foresee that as a possibility in my future.

[ImprovedRomeo]

He is entitled to his own feelings and opinions just as I am.

That is 100% true for feelings, emotions and actions - they're their's we can't change them. Smart girl! They say the tighter you grip something the more it wants to get out, when you loosen the grip it stops struggling.

I like Kerry's line so how about: "H and I are no longer together, he got rabies and I had to put him down"

Yes you can't forsee that right now nor should you worry about it at this moment. You need to heal before you feel that way but you will find someone who will appreciate you and love you- as hard as it may be for you to believe that right now it will happen. Marriage and kids that's an entirely different topic.