"Bo-Peep" is the approach of "Just leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them."
I always knew, just anecdotally, that it didn't work, but I wasn't entirely sure WHY. Then one day it hit me. From my personal archives:
“Affairs are ADDICTIONS” – and they DON’T “die a natural death!”
I'm sorry, but I think you're being naive. Check out my # of posts -- I've been here six years (counting my prior time as "Chocolateeyes") and have studied literally THOUSANDS of affairs. I've simply never seen the "Little Bo-Peep" approach work. You leave them alone, and they WON'T come home, wagging their tails behind them.
Affairs are ADDICTIONS. Google "PEA brain love lust addiction" and do some research on it. And then try to name for me ONE other type of addiction -- gambling, alcohol, drugs, sexual addiction, ANYTHING -- that dies its own natural death if you leave it alone.
Youcan't.
In fact, nearly all begin to ESCALATE, as the addict needs a stronger and stronger rush to get their "fix."
I followed the "Bo-Peep" method....IE don't gather any independent intel.
depends on what independent intel is. is hiring a PI the best way to go?
sorry. i am not going to hijack this thread.
thanks puppy
"It's not a hijack, Your Honor -- the Prosecution opened up this line of questioning with his opening post!"
"Sustained."
So, what's your question, MIL? Is hiring a PI the best way to go? Always, if you can afford it, but there are a LOT of other, more affordable ways. What I mean when I say "independent," is that most people's idea of "verifying" is to ASK THEIR ALLEGEDLY-CHEATING SPOUSE. And the problem with that is:
- If they aren't cheating, they will say there is no one else.
- If they ARE cheating, they will say there is no one else.
Good luck with THAT.
No, "independent" verification includes keylogger, voice-activated recorder, cellphone detailed billing invoices, looking at cellphone text message content, GPS on their car, etc.
is that why the saying goes .. "once a cheater, always a cheater"?
NO. The saying is, "ALL CHEATERS LIE -- PERIOD."
But the recidivism rate for infidelity, IF one follows a thorough plan which includes sending a no-contact letter, complete transparency, and good MC or FT with someone trained in infidelity, can be quite low -- I'd estimate less than 20%.
However, WITHOUT those things, I'd place it well north of 90%+.
It's unfortunate more people don't follow that advice. I understand the confusion in trying to follow MWD's advice from the books and go the Bo Peep route. I know I wasted time doing that! But you're SO right, it doesn't work. The only thing that works is respecting yourself enough to not sit around and take that crap behavior from anyone.
Congrats on the big 17-000!
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Bo Peep doesn't work, especially with an affair involved. It takes incredible strength to take a tough love stance (affair busting) or courage to let them go, but these are the only way. The tricky bit is sticking to your guns, and remaining civil and gracious during the most painful time in your life. I failed that. Hysterical does not bring a wayward back home.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Puppy, I mentioned the 2B approach if we cannot confirm an EA or PA.. Not sure if you agree or disagree on that.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
