When you put it this way, NO! Not fair at all. AT all!
I am not even worried about the fairness as much as I am the realism of it...
This is the way your H is envisioning things when he says he wants you to work to bring more money in...
It's just another fantasy just like infidelity... not realistic at all... completley ignored the long term, ignroed the details, fooling himself ANd you into thinking it will pan out like this without a hitch...
He's not THINKING.. he's just TALKING with no follow through...
This is how people plan when they are having affairs...
he wants YOU to buy this fantasy of his... only in this fantasy you are the OW... do you see this happening the way he's describing it?
Just to clarify - H wanted me to go back to work full-time before all this nonsense started and the bomb was dropped. This isn't a recent thing connected to his wayward-ness. However, it was before I decided to go back to school.
Didn't want it to sound like H threw in the job thing as part of all this. Even he agreed finishing my degree was better, even after the bomb.
My confusion was in receiving advice (FT and previously on boards) that I SHOULD go to work full-time: help alleviate financial stress to H (according to FT but she didn't say that definitely, just a thought) and part of the Tough Love plan from others on forum - to indicate letting go and being self-sufficient. I can see that point. BUT... school is still better overall that a $10-12 an hour job. However, medical benefits would be a definite burden off my mind. I would still have to do everything else the way H is being right now though and that's a huge burden for me.
I don't understand about the fantasy and me being OW though, lol.
If your H is trying to sell you the idea that you two can both work full time while YOU go to school part time AND run the household and family as you are now... that's just NOT feasible
He complains about money and wants you to work full time but doesn't offer to do any more work around the home to offset your time working?
He's just using his IMAGINATION and has this fantasy world in his head where you two both run off into the working world and the household just magically takes care of itself?
If he has'nt thought it through, its just a fantasy he's selling you and he wants YOU to participate in it...
The KIDS are the ones that get screwed because the household will fall apart from undermanagement
Are you at all interested in participating in that little fantasy of his?
No....I'm not, come to think of it! Well, esp. when he is considering that he won't even be here. Of course, in this fantasy world of his, he will live close by and still be a great dad and share the kids... and we'll be buddies...
Planning ahead: if H does end up refusing to go, I am going with the script for a page or so back about his refusal being neglect and the demise of M.... and will ask him to leave at that point.
I need to prepare for the fact that he may be in the 25% that still does not want to work through things after this marriage weekend. BOY, that will be some drive home! Ugh. I hate to think that way but need to mentally prepare for all possibilities. If he is not committed to working on M, giving up his secretive behavior and discussing M issues with FT only (or a friend of the marriage) then I am still asking him to leave.
D18 and S16 are both aware of this and supportive.
As I'm reading through your thread and others on this site, I'm struck by how many people just "check out" of their marriage and fully expect the partner to pick up the slack of the household and kids, including my own WH.
And the job thing kills me, as my WH has brought that up a few times as well. As his life changed very little after we had kids, he has NO clue what's involved in actually being a parent. It's easy for them to say, "Go get a job." But when you ask them to do laundry, fix dinner, get groceries, or run kids somewhere to help out, they act totally put upon.
Allen's right - total fantasy. Your WH expects his life to go on unchanged, except for the increase in your income. Clueless!
Make a list of all the work that needs done to care for the household
Put it on a weekly spreadsheet Monday - Sunday 8 am - 10 pm... fill in every cell slot to indicate where you are and what you are doing at that time...
If you want to be daring even add a column for each to the right showing the COST of the work too
And totalling hours of work at the end of each day of course...
Example
Monday 8 am | Make breakfast | $10 Food 9 am | Run laundry | $5 Load
...
6 pm | Make dinner | 15$ Food ------------------------------------ 10 hrs | total | $75 total
I mean, yes, I may get a couples hours to myself during the day that he doesn't get, but I'm also cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, doing laundry, etc... at 8-9-10pm at night!
