Quote: She tells me her and the OG aren't having sex. It's awful hard for me to believe that, but possible. I know that kills you thinking about your H and OW, so just quit thinking about it, THEY HAD SEX, SEX, SEX, OK? Hell, he wasn't a virgin when you met him!!! Oh yeah, I think he was?
hey tony,
blow it out your a hole!!!
you tell me in one breath that it is possible that your w is not having sex with her og...and in the next breath you tell me that my h did have sex and lot's of it with ow????
I am doing my best to believe what he tells me to be true..that though he did have the desire to be physical with her it just never happend.
oh and yes he was very much a virgin when I met him.
LL, I don't know if your H or my W had sex with the OP. My point to you was it really doesn't matter, does it. If you want to believe him, then get it over it, and quit thinking about it! Did you read the rest of my post, or did you stop reading when you got pissed off so you could chew me out!
I was not trying to say your kids are bad - I'm sure they are not. Like you say they are just kids. Your DD sounds like just as much of a monkey as mine. But heck LL not being able to take a shower - Don't worry that was me 2+ years ago, before DD arrived and S was ruling my roost. But I decided I couldn't cope with 2 kids running the show so I drew the boundaries straight away with D, but of course then she learned misbehaviour off S. H thinks I am bullying them and that they are only kids, but I think even kids can learn some basic codes of good behaviour without it ruining their childhoods. And at what particular age do kids "grow out of it" unless you help them along the way. We all know about Big Kids especially on this BB.
Oh well just my 2 cents. I am a bit hyped up about this book just now, but that is me I get enthusiastic about stuff LOL
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Quote: I guess what I'm saying is that there is nothing now to keep me from falling into the same trap that h did...not like m means anything these days...
It means a lot to you or you wouldn't be trying so hard to make it work for you ... and that what it is all about ... you working on making work for you and H working at making it work for him and getting in sync so it works for "us".
I'm not pretending to have any answers here LL. Like I said its been over a decade since CAW and I have been in sync and I can't tell if we are any closer to getting there.
... and to be blunt, as I touched on before, it may not be anything you do that will cause H to shift his POV. It may be waking up one day thinking the kids are growing up too fast or something else that has nothing to do with you ... but when he does wake up ... all the blood, sweat & tears you have put forth to stay here to get to that point will hit upon him with such a sense of what he has been missing for all along, he will be a changed man forever after.
So I guess what I'm trying to get at LL is ... don't waste anymore effort struggling with trying to accept the way your M is now is as good as it will ever get and put that energy in thinking you're just working at being ready for when your H does have his "awakening".
Quote: So I guess what I'm trying to get at LL is ... don't waste anymore effort struggling with trying to accept the way your M is now is as good as it will ever get and put that energy in thinking you're just working at being ready for when your H does have his "awakening".
and the pooper that I am will point out that it seemed like he had his awakening in first seeking out ow..then upon comming home..being there for me..and making such statments as "I want to be there for the kids" meaning he wants to do more than just provide for them...I remember the conversation pretty well and recall telling him that it was wonderful he realized it now and shouldn't fret over lost time as most men don't realize the importance of their presence in their childrens lives as more than mere provider (not that that itself isn't a significant role) until their children are grown. "when you comming home dad, I don't know son...but we'll get together then..I know we'll have a good time then..."
h does realize this...but as always...it's catch as catch can. will it ever end? when it does (work etc) will he want to retire to some place I don't want to be? will it matter then if he's around all the time? or will I be used to doing my own thing? and then he'll be left the one pushed asside? not that I would intentionally do it but...well I think you know what I mean.
Forgive me LL but the sense I get of your posts is that you do not like YOUR life. You may be projecting that into your R but the impression I got is 'I deserve more'
Are there any changes you want to make to your life? What do you want LL to be? I mean you, not the wife, the mother, the daughter or the neighbor.
If you look at LL herself, where do you see her in 5 years? Is that where she wants to be?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Quote: If you look at LL herself, where do you see her in 5 years? Is that where she wants to be?
5 years is a total different ball game in the life of LL...in 5 years the kids will be 9 and 7...a bit more independant, going to school most of the day (thus enabling LL a bit more time for herself to get a haircut stress free and baby sitter free...to go to the gym etc)
add a few more years onto that and you've got LL potentially seeking at least a part time job (someones gotta be around during the summer and vacations) preferable within the school system to allow me to still be around for the kids...
add on some more and LL may be able to put the degree her mother worked (ok and dad too) to pay for, to good use...
add a few more years on and LL may just get herself a masters and go ahead and take on that career she's been so afraid of...#1 cause she still hasn't gotten her own crap together yet and #2 cause so many baulk at her choice
add on a few more years and the kids will be grown and LL's life can be whatever she wants...if she wants to go out to dinner with her h (or heck even without) she wont need a sitter...heck by then her kids may have kids of thier own.
as far as h and LL??? whatever will be will be....does it look grim? nope...a tad laid back at times for LL but that's why she's got a group of nutty friends to get together with now and again..and once in a while h does join in the insanity...heck just last year for my b-day we had a bonfire pty with all my friends...even the ones who swore they wouldn't go outside (january in new england is cold) were there roasting marshamellows for smores.
Quote: Do you regret being a stay-at-home-mom? Would you prefr to work? Is that even possible?
I don't regret it at all...it's temporary... would I prefer to work?? those who work would prefer to be home..those at home dream of working..no I don't think I'd prefer to work...just know that for now I'm out of the adult world.
Is it possible to work?? that's funny usually people wonder if it's possible to not work.
Quote: ...but we'll get together then..I know we'll have a good time then...
Exactly!! Your H is still in this mode of thinking (BTW, this song is one of my all time favorites). This is not the thinking of an enlighten man. The response of a man that "gets it" is...
"...but we'll get together now ..I know we'll have a good time now ..."
I'm aware your H did get a taste of his renaissance when he first known he wanted to come back, but he is not living up to those words he said...
Quote: ...I remember the conversation pretty well and recall telling him that it was wonderful he realized it now and shouldn't fret over lost time as most men don't realize the importance of their presence in their childrens lives as more than mere provider (not that that itself isn't a significant role) until their children are grown.
If he truely had awaken LL, he would be making sure he is putting body and soul into those words every day.
I don't know why your H reverted back, but the fact that the light did go on, if only briefly, holds promise that he is capable of "getting it" for good one day.
I don't know if I will ever be able to convince you that this momentous revelation lies ahead in your H's future and I say this because I see alot of your H in the person I use to be, but I hope you would at least consider its a possibility and is worthy of keeping the door open to it. If you are willing to accept that "yes, one day this can happen", then your continued efforts should focus on working towards waiting for him on the "other" side, so you have a chance at being in sync.
I feel such a sense of tragedy that I took so long to "get it" that CAW had already abandoned "us" when I did arrive ... and now I'm starting to feel it has become too late for CAW to ever come back. I just don't wish to see you go down that road too.
- Don't worry that was me 2+ years ago, before DD arrived and S was ruling my roost. But I decided I couldn't cope with 2 kids running the show so I drew the boundaries straight away with D, but of course then she learned misbehaviour off S. H thinks I am bullying them and that they are only kids, but I think even kids can learn some basic codes of good behaviour without it ruining their childhoods. And at what particular age do kids "grow out of it" unless you help them along the way. We all know about Big Kids especially on this BB.