So long, and thanks for the fish

[avermont]

Hey Gardener-

good to hear from you.

The letter: processing.

For all I know, it's instructions about the sewer system he wanted me to know.

But probably not.

I know I can't mind read, so all that follows is time spent on supposition, but..

I assume it is X making expiation: "here is why I did what I did" "here is what I was missing in our R" "here is how I realized how unhappy I was" "I needed to make this change when I realized how different life could be" and probably an "I'm sorry" in there.

Now, as you all know, as soon as X told me he was leaving, I saw, with horrible clarity, all my faults in the R. (I know, I know, it isn't all my fault, but I was the Attachment Avoident, thanks, therapy! in the R, and I kept him at arm's length for 22 years)

I was willing, at the time, to HEAR all my faults, to hear his pain, to apologize, to even wish him well and get the love and R he needed. I have spent this past year flagellating myself for my faults. And, finally, trying to DO something about them in therapy.

I feel like, now, to hear all the things he wanted to say, that he couldn't say, would really be more like punishment. I WANTED the punishment at the time. I felt I deserved it.

But now...maybe I feel like "enough already. I have whipped myself enough. I don't need to hear it from you, too."

Maybe that's more AVOIDING feelings, and intimacy.

Maybe it's more running away from deep conversations

Maybe it's unresolved bitterness and anger: you want forgiveness!? NO WAY! I ain't gonna give you any satisfaction of closure!

I kind of like the idea of sending it back with the note:

I don't feel it is appropriate for a married man to send private correspondence to another woman.

Or, putting it in another envelope, addressing it to OW, and letting her open it and read it!

Or, this morning I saw the jewelry box that he had made me (oh, you know, a month before OW) where I had stuffed it into a drawer. I thought, I could put the letter in there. I'll forget about it, and 50 years from now, I'll find it and read it.

But then I think...what if...what if it were a letter full of remorse, apologies, asking for a second chance...broken the engagement, wants to try...

I know it isn't. And I don't think I want to reconcile, even if such a thing were remotely possible in this universe.

But with my sense of drama, I spin stories of star-crossed lovers, the letter never delivered, the message delayed a moment too late...and the happiness that could have been.

So--there's some morning drama for you all!

Thanks for letting me post all this..

[avermont]

Hey Golfgirl--

Thanks for checking in on my posts. Yes, our sitchs sound familiar.

I couldn't find any RL support groups in my area, and it wasn't for lack of trying. So most of my friends who "get it" are here. But my RL friends have been great.

I am dating, more or less. Trying to get out there and see what life is like. It's scary out there! is what it is.

Hmmm, good question though...why am I dating? hmmm...validation? here I am, can anyone find me attractive? does anyone possibly find me interesting?

Anything wrong with going out, having fun, learning to make conversation and flirt again? Careful not to take advantage ( I feel bad for guys feeling like "if it is a date, I have to pay for it!" cause that will add up quick!) Careful to be honest: not ready for a deep R yet!

Gotta expand my social circle, gotta practice these skills...plus it is an excuse to buy cute shoes (that's for you, PH!)

Is dating OK even if you aren't ready for an R?

I'll check in on you, GG!

[newmama]

Anything wrong with going out, having fun, learning to make conversation and flirt again? Careful not to take advantage ( I feel bad for guys feeling like "if it is a date, I have to pay for it!" cause that will add up quick!)

That is sweet, Avermont, but just remember that if we offer and they say no, that is their choice! And you can ask them out and pay for it, right?

Careful to be honest: not ready for a deep R yet.

sounds good....

Is dating OK even if you aren't ready for an R?

Well I am thinking YES but what if you really like someone and wasn't expecting it? Like "accidentally" fall for him? This is always a risk!

I think if you keep your head straight it can be fun, ego boost, and just over all practice, right?

[LookingFrAnswers]

Or, putting it in another envelope, addressing it to OW, and letting her open it and read it!

That's my vote!

Aver, If I were you I'd put it away somewhere, and one day when you're ready, if you are still interested, you can read it.

I just think you have done so much work to be over him, why rip the wound open again. If you are totally obsessing, why don't you ask your C, and maybe read it with her?

Don't you think even it it did beg you to give him another chance, would you rush right back? Don't you think you'd proceed cautiously, knowing what you do about him now.

I've been harping on how hard you've been on youself for months, so I think you should pitch/hide the letter.

But the choice is yours. Whatever you decide, you are going to be just fine! Great in fact! ! I know it, you know it, your RL friends know it. You are strong, no matter what garbage he may throw your way.

((((Aver)))))

[Golfgirl1]

Hey Avermont,
I am finally back and checking in on you. How was the date? I'm SO glad someone on here is talking about life after divorce...because there IS one!

Read the book, "Getting Naked Again." It's got some great tips and information for those of us thinking/trying to get back out there.

I've only been divorced 3 months and I did date someone for about a month and it was hard. I have no kids, my own house, financial security, and the freedom to do what I want when I want. So, where will I find someone with the same? Right now I'm trying to figure out what I'll compromise on in a relationship. My life is crazy-busy with adventures and I am having fun with my friends. Would I like to find someone to date? I can't honestly say "yes" to that right now because I know I need to become the emotional "match" for him and I'm just not there. My heart is still bruised (no longer broken) and I just need more time. I have to become the person I would want to date in order to attract the kind of man into my life I want. I don't want any "projects" and I don't want any "2-legged strays" so somehow I have to figure out how to find the healthy guys that I know are out there. I joined some meetup.com groups and perhaps they will appear there??

As far as dating without wanting a relationship, that's a tough one. My thinking is that you date with the hopes of moving toward a relationship, but I don't know??? I'm new at this stuff, too.

[Gardener]

Hey, aver,
I have some catching up to do. For some reason, you've dropped off my Watched Users and Watched Posters lists. That's been happening a lot lately.
S'up wit dat, mods?
I'll catch up soon.
Peace,

[Gardener]

GG1,

Hey Avermont, Read the book, "Getting Naked Again." It's got some great tips and information for those of us thinking/trying to get back out there.

Thanks. Another one I'll have to put (at the top) of my ever-growing reading list!

I've only been divorced 3 months and I did date someone for about a month and it was hard. I have no kids, my own house, financial security, and the freedom to do what I want when I want. So, where will I find someone with the same? Right now I'm trying to figure out what I'll compromise on in a relationship. My life is crazy-busy with adventures and I am having fun with my friends. Would I like to find someone to date? I can't honestly say "yes" to that right now because I know I need to become the emotional "match" for him and I'm just not there. My heart is still bruised (no longer broken) and I just need more time. I have to become the person I would want to date in order to attract the kind of man into my life I want. I don't want any "projects" and I don't want any "2-legged strays" so somehow I have to figure out how to find the healthy guys that I know are out there. I joined some meetup.com groups and perhaps they will appear there??

Frankly, change the three months to five months (and, more frankly, take out the "financial security" part) and I'm at the same place - and feel the exact same way.

My heart is still bruised (no longer broken)

Very well put. That's it, exactly!

Not easy, by any means, is it?

Peace,

[avermont]

Yo all-

So, another lesson in remembering that we can't mind read.

OF COURSE X's letter was just business! Not quite instructions on the sewer system, but...I figured with the business size envelope and what looked like print out (not handwritten) it probably wasn't going to be an outpouring of grief and remorse and what not.

Anyhow, I took LFA's advice and brought it to my counselor. All it was, was a check made out to both of us from the bank, for $18.12, some overpayment as
we closed out the loans.

I had gotten the same thing back in May, for $69.00. I decided it wasn't worth $34.40 to sign it; send it to him; he signs it;deposits it; sends me my half. The check is still sitting on my desk.

But I guess X is better about being upright and forthright with $, so he signed the check that the bank sent to him, and sent it to me. I deposited it, and sent a check for $9.06 to him. No note.

He included a note that said.."blah blah bank, etc. (almost signed, scratched out) "hope your having a good summer" X.

Oh, I'm having a GREAT summer, dear! Thanks for asking! so sweet of you to care!

Now should I send on the check for $69?? if I do it now, he will see that I was holding out $35.00 that is legally his....

At any rate, I am going to buy myself $9.00 worth of VS undies! (and yes, you can get at least one lacy something for that!)

More later--doing OK--big transition time--coming up on the One Year Mark.

[Gardener]

aver.So much for my advice on the letter:

Aver,
Burn it.
Forget it.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi Aver,
Really? VS unmentionables for $9? Good to know.

For the $69 check, you could do the same "businesslike" thing to him. Ask your L to send it to him with a note, if you like, saying it had been misplaced & now would he please endorse & remit half payable to you? Or you could do it yourself I guess.

He doesn't need to know you didn't send it sooner b/c it caused more grief for you than it was worth!

BTW, why don't you buy $35 worth of pretty VS undies while you're at it??

Thinking of you... I'll be checking in as you near your 1 yr. mark. Sending hugs ((((Aver)))))