Being "friends" with a was is cake-eating. Period.
Maybe in your case it would be, but it wouldn't be in mine.
I would tell my wife I am perfectly happy being friends if she had another lover. I would also tell her that although we would now ONLY be friends, that I don't share my lovers with others and that I want her to move out asap..
I would also hope that she would still be my friend when I am dating and having the time of my life living it up with other hot women.
Oh yes, we can be friends. Maybe she could be friends with me AND my new woman...
I wouldn't want to waste time trying not to be friends. It is LOVERS I wouldn't want to be with a WS..
So in my case it would be ME that would be cake eating. A hot new woman or two in my life and my WS as my friend.
Thanks! I appreciate that. You and I have never really "talked" much, but I know your stuff - and I know you're a Dobsonesque type guy from what I've read. (I am a huge fan of Dobson's work...)
As for anyone else on the list that I assumed wrongly - I apologize in advance and feel free to take yourself off the list as well. LOL
Being "friends" with a was is cake-eating. Period.
Maybe in your case it would be, but it wouldn't be in mine.
I would tell my wife I am perfectly happy being friends if she had another lover. I would also tell her that although we would now ONLY be friends, that I don't share my lovers with others and that I want her to move out asap..
I would also hope that she would still be my friend when I am dating and having the time of my life living it up with other hot women.
Oh yes, we can be friends. Maybe she could be friends with me AND my new woman...
I wouldn't want to waste time trying not to be friends. It is LOVERS I wouldn't want to be with a WS..
So in my case it would be ME that would be cake eating. A hot new woman or two in my life and my WS as my friend.
To add my thoughts to this: it's a bit of a different scenerio here - being friends - than in the usual sitch, don't you think? Usually LBS is not turning the tables on WAS and dating. I can see your point in the above scenerio.
Now, this may all depend on the stage you are in - in the fight for your M. Still living together? Separated? Filed?
For me, personally, I am not one who will go out and date until I am legally divorced. That's my personal standard and I don't hold anyone else to it. I was given some great advice by Robx in fact, to ask H if he was OK with me dating. I said I could probably go ahead and ask that, and that wouldn't bother my conscience, but actually doing it would. BUT... if you are turning the table on WAS and they KNOW you are dating other people and only "being friends" with them, perhaps you are in a different place, psychologically, with your WAS.
I maintain that for most of us here, being friends is not a good idea. Just my 2cents, however.
I'm at a cross road myself with this "friends" dilemma. My W and I still live together but in different rooms until some things pan out. She has started dating while living together and it's been hard for me to deal with. She continues to ask why we can't get along and become friends again.
After reading Puppy's post it made me realize that I have motives behind me being nice to W at times. I guess I still hold a flame for her in my heart and I have this fantasy that she is going to come out of the fog and realize she's made horrible mistakes.
The reality is she is looking to move on without me and has no interest in the R. Because we have a child together there will be a point in time when I can be friends with her. Like Gucci said I hope the WAS be able to friends with us when we are ready to start dating.
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
FFH: I know, it's hard. I'm still living with H too. He is not dating, and we are still sleeping in the same bed even. However, we basically have no real R right now. He said he is legally married to me, but not emotionally. SO: my stance has been to be cordial, friendly, but not overdoing it. Been GAL and all that stuff, so it helps to stay away from him. I really like Sox's post and ideas of how to be: friendLY but not "friends". I am polite and civil and laugh even, when we discuss things about the kids. I'm not going overboard to be his friend either, however.
Now: if I could reach Gucci's state of consciousness, perhaps I could pull of the friends thing! I'm not there. lol
I maintain that even though it is more painful to NOT be friends, I have to detach from that aspect of the R as well, because 1. it's better for me and 2. any hope of reconciliation rests on self respect and him being attracted to me once again. Being friends is not going to make him miss me.
That doesn't mean that I don't treat him nicely, but there's just a differentiation between civility and true friendship as Sox's chart clearly points out.
Ask yourself WHY you are doing it (being very friendly). If you are doing it "because that's just who I am, it's who I choose to be, and it rings authentic to me," then I think that's fine. (Just don't look for it to be effective in your DBing efforts).
If, however, your thought is -- AND THIS IS THE OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF PEOPLE I SEE ON HERE -- "This will endear him/her to me, and make him/her more civil in the divorce action, and/or make them come back to me," then FUHGEDDABOUTIT. If anything (and I think this is especially true for wayward women/betrayed men), it causes them to LOSE respect -- and therefore, love -- for you!
So in summary, check your motives.
Puppy
This is very good advice. I'm the one who filed and pushed the divorce through, but it was my ex-husband who had the affair that prompted me to file. A difference in some other's situation is my ex wanted to restore the marriage after his infidelity, but it was a dealbreaker for me.
Anywho, it's true. if it's your nature to be friendly, then go do it. but if you think it will make your spouse more likely to return to you - at least in my situ - it was the complete opposite. The more my ex wanted us to be friends by trying to drop random txts/emails/calls. He'd ask to hang out, etc etc. In most cases, it just strengthened my position to get away from him.
If he didn't know that an affair would end our marriage even though it was something we talked about from the very beginning of us dating, then it didn't make sense to be friends with someone who had no idea what kind of person I am and what I value in friendship. Perhaps one day we might be friends after time, but more on the level of work friendships, not people I or my kids would enjoy being around for pleasure.
We do have kids so we went to some therapy sessions to learn to co-parent. I love my kids and I love that my ex is a pretty good dad, but he's not a friend.
