Hey all, it's me, Hope4Luv, and I'm starting a new thread. My old one (http://tinyurl.com/Hopes3rdThread)got locked and things are shifted for me so the timing's right. I am not ready to leave my friends here, although I am not piecing. I belong more in MLC, or Infidelity, or Separated. I'll get there but I don't want to lose you.
Any tips on how to alter my signature? I forgot :P
As you know, I"m pretty dark - as much as possible while sharing a child. I am supposed to have "family friday night dinner" at 5pm tonight(a religious ritual) but I"ve had another panic attack since about 2:30 when my S, my dad, and I walked past H's L's office! (by coincidence). I've been panicked out ever since with the thought of being in the same room as him anymore.
It makes no rational sense, as he's done a 180 since I have - I've pulled back, he's been calm, reasonable, civil, I even got a thank you and he ASKED last night to "watch how I discipline S" since I had texted I him that I wanted to talk with him about disciplining S. I will share the story later when I can calm down and think - but anyhow I've been worried for at least nine months about H's anger problem at S and he admitted to me that he's "trying not to physically handle him roughly" and that he knows S said not to yell. He admitted these things?!?!?!?!? WTF? And he actually asked for my advice, instead of shutting me out? I don't get it. But anyhow more later but this new attitude doesn't help me when I'm planning to D him and fight for custody because of abuse! Not to mention it pulls me back into fantasy that we'll reconsile because "he seems to be coming around". UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why is he acting the way I wanted him to - now that I"m leaving? IT's totally backward and confusing and freaking me out bigtime.
OMG! Anyone who has followed my thread wont believe this - I don't. Ended up having the family dinner after all - because H didn't get my message until he was already on his way, so he came over anyhow. He was so nice!
He was very helpful and made some of the dinner, and I broke down for a minute saying it was a hard day with S - he's been sick and having meltdowns (always does the day after going to dad's) and I was feeling like a failure for not getting the dinner together properly. H asked how he could help me! That's when he took over making dinner and said don't worry about it. This from the man who criticized my dinners over and over for the past year. And even said this...."I've actually been impressed at how well you've been keeping the house together."
This from the man who terrifies me every time he comes over for fear of the constant criticisms and frustrations at the state of the house and my disorganization? I don't know what is going on!
You can post anywhere you want to, that makes no difference. You know you should be on the MLC board but refuse to post there. Everything that is going on with your H is perfectly normal(for MLC). Have you read the MLC resources? Go to the start of almost anyones thread(newbies in MLC) and their are links for the resources and other good threads. READ THEM. You have been getting good advice here. You have detached and things are moving forward. But you are a long way from being done and a long way from being back to piecing. The fact that you are not posting on the MLC board should not be a reason to not understand what is happening to your H within this process.
You can do the research you need to. Most of it is all contained here on these forums.
Thank you! Yes, I came to piecing back when H was lying to me, saying we were in MC to give our M an honest chance, and later got a second bomb he had a gf the whole time and wasn't coming back.
I may go to MLC - like I said, my friends here have been wonderful.
I will read the resources and the newbies - thank you.
My new thought today that Mr. SuddenlyNice is a manipulative ploy for control, just as his anger has been. Another lie. Our final MC session, before he refused to return, over a month ago, ended with me saying that if we can't communicate respectfully over issues with S, then we will have to go to mediation. The MC said this too.
Suddenly he's so nice and appearing to work with me (however minimally and from a distance) over S issues. But it hit me today when I spoke with a friend - OF COURSE. HE'S SCARED OF ME GOING TO MEDIATION OR TO COURT and saying what an unreasonable, abusive man he has been. So it's an act. This is quite likely.
I still suffer the anxiety attacks when we are to have handoffs with S, waiting for Mr. Hyde to return. I realized he is trying to pacify me into believing he is going to be reasonable, thereby demonstrating there's "no need to go to lawyers and mediators."
But I don't trust him. He was also this nice before "bomg #2" hit me. I'm struggling with wanting to believe in this nice guy, the guy I fell in love with and knew during our M when things were good. But I must remember.
I feel I was manipulated into signing the legal separation agreement quickly out of 1) my own hope at reconsiliation 2) his continuing to lead me on that this may happen and 3)intermitten anger outbursts of threatening me with more serious legal actions and 4) my guilt at my part in the destruction of our M and my hope that if I changed, he would see the changes and return.
Today he said something weird. Last week, S had said that dad yelled at him and when he told dad not to yell, H said "mom yells too." (blame). I did not tell H of this interaction but I did react and sent a txt saying that I would like to talk about discipline strategies so that we are on the same page. It was vague, but somehow he figured it out.
H responded that he would talk "briefly on the phone" about this issue, but has yet to set a time and follow through. But today at the hand off he says that S told HIM that mom yelled at him and threatened him, and that "of course" he doesn't believe S but we "need to be on the same page" regarding discipline so that we "both" don't believe S when he says these things.
At first, I was glad he was interested in talking about discipline strategies, (I basically want him to stop yelling at S). Then later I thought this may be a manipulation to say "S says these things about you and I"m willing to agree that they aren't true if you are willing to believe they aren't true when S says them about me." I thought this is his way of covering his own a$$. As well as appearing to be nice.
I also thought this could be a way of him telling me that he has ammunition against me as well, so don't use those statements against him legally.
I told him immediately that I have worked extremely hard at keeping my voice calm even when I'm firm. I told him one of my biggest regrets about our M was that S heard us fighting so much and I've worked hard to change this in myself. H actually rubs my back for a sec and says "Why are you getting defensive, you seem tense. I just want to talk about it."
AS much as I want to believe this is true, I just can't/ I am so afraid this is the soothing, hypnotic hiss of a snake in the grass.
Another thought: I've gone very dark and he is starting to get it that he can't treat me abusively anymore. I have acted on my personal boundary of protecting myself and he's getting the message louder than any words I have said over the past year.
STill confused!!!!
THoughts?
PS Lance thank you for your input on my thread, and since you are from MLC i welcome your input at anytime - in fact would appreciate more of it!!!!
Hey Hope4Love, you asked for thoughts so...I really hope you can cut this man out of your life and proceed with the D. Also you're not IN this relationship with him, he ended it and has a gf sweets. Posting in Piecing is all part of that - you need to work on acceptance that you are no longer together?
I have followed your thread for so long and hoped that you WOULDNT reconcile. We hear so many stories here, but a man who is angry and abusive to the point of making you shake and have panic attacks, thats not healthy and like Michelle says, not all marriages should be saved. Proceed with that mediation for coparenting too.
Hugs xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Thanks Ali =- I had no idea you follow my thread. I"ve gotten a lot of inspiriation from reading yours!!!
Listen, I am in the Piecing Forum now just to stay here with my friends. I have asked for advice and my friends said it doesn't matter where I post. I"m not staying here because I have any illusions we are still together or are in any way piecing.
I appreciate everyone reminding me to cut him out of my life. Its very hard with a child and I have to see him every few days. But I'm doing awesome at not being around, not talking to him unless it has to do with S.
And, to be honest, I still yearn for the "old R" where it wasn't this terrible all the time, the man I feel in love with who seemed so sweet. So I"m peeling back the layers of my own perceptions to see what is really in front of me, instead of what was or what could be. This is why I vent!
