I hardly post anymore, but your thread caught my eye. I was, where you are, for 2 1/2 years. I served my H last Wednesday. Forced celibacy does nothing but force a separation of mind, spirit, and marriage. It also harbors horrible resentment.
Done w/that!
Good Luck in whatever you do...
Forced celebacy should not be a choice. What about a pre-nup that describes and protects against this as well as makes sure that the partner does their part on bills, chores, relationship management, etc.
How has martyrdom been working out for you so far?
It sounds like you're so afraid of what life would be like without your W, you've accepted your role as her doormat.
Did you have a life before you M? You were strong and confident once, and managed to make it on your own. You had friends, hobbies and a life that didn't completely revolve around your W.
THAT's what attracted your W to you in the first place. Being a martyr and a doormat? Not so much.
Look, you're going to do whatever you're going to do, but if your choice is to be her doormat until she finally D's you and M's someone else, there's not much we can do to help you.
Nothing to see here, people. Wipe your feet on BTM on your way out.
I admit to being very afraid of life without my WAW. The best I can do is to try not to show that to her or say it to her or anyone who might tell her.
I really only had an "adult" life for a year before I met my WAW - but yes I was confident back then. I was really a cocky a$$hole, and yes, she was attracted to that it some ways. When we were away a month ago, she even made a comment to me that I don't have that anymore. And I know I don't - at least around her.
For 22 years, I made my life all about my WAW, our kids and our home. I have very few friends and I am completely apart from my family, other than the odd phone call or visit to my Mom. I know a huge part of my recovery is to GAL. I truly suck at it. Tonight after work, I am going for a beer with a friend, but even that is really of no interest to me. I am trying to force myself to do anything other than sit in my house.
If I was on a date with someone today and they said "what do you enjoy - what do you like to do in your spare time?" I would have really nothing to say. I can see how that would be unattractive to any woman - and even more so to my WAW.
I know I did Puppy. It's not that I don't know what some of my poblems are, it's that I still have not found a way to change them.
In order to get me though the next little while, I went to the DR yesterday and got sleeping pills and I am going back on Prozac. I was on both last Nov/Dec, but was able to go off them rather quickly. I hope to do the same again. I am also going back to the counselor I was seeing back then.
I'm not a fan of being forced to be celibate because of my spouses choices.
so you have extra-marital sex? or are you just a monday morning quarterback?
Not yet. Thinking having her sign a notarized document stating that she agrees with me taking care of myself since she does not want to.
you crack me up. could you imagine going before a judge with that, and he turns out to be the one with the penis pump. "I'm going to need some time to read this 40 page affidavit on your sexual needs."
...I know a huge part of my recovery is to GAL. I truly suck at it. Tonight after work, I am going for a beer with a friend, but even that is really of no interest to me. I am trying to force myself to do anything other than sit in my house.
You see, that's a problem. Going out with a friend for a beer is a good thing, especially after work, you get to vent off some steam, drink a few pints, try some different beers, literally, taste some different stuff, get into it, when I travel to the States from the land of "Canadia" and hook up with my co-workers for meetings, they all look forward to going out with me at the end of the day, "Rob let's go out, you're only here for the week, let's go grab a few beers, something to eat". These guys all have their own lives and could easily make excuses like "have to go home, family night, etc." but they all jump at the opportunity to go out for a brew and just shoot the $hit. Is it because I'm the greatest co-worker and friend they have in the world? (possibly, but that's another story altogether LOL!), they enjoy going out, talking outside of work, the idea is "the world can wait, tonight we'll go out and enjoy a few brews and relax", it's a great mentality, it's very satisfying and enjoyable, you talk about crazy stuff, you laugh, you have a wicked time and they all say "tomorrow night, we do this again!".
Life is short.
Really it is.
We lead a largely linear life experience. We're born, we grow up, we die.
Yes I know, very uplifting when you look at it like that.
So what are you doing between point A and point B.
Are you taking advantage of the time you have between those 2 points.
Being a martyr sucks, take it from me, 10 years ago I was that same guy, I won't ever go back to that again, life sucked, there was no enjoyment in it and that is the true secret to life, enjoying it because it is so short and it's so crucial that you enjoy this journey and currently bro, you are not enjoying it.
You dread going for a beer with a friend after work.
That really sucks.
That's really a metaphor for your life as it stands right now.
Sit back and soak that part in.
Tell us that this life so far feels super great for you.
You know it doesn't.
You also know that you are in charge of your life, so apparently you are holding yourself back.
Sucks to be handcuffed by yourself and to also hold the key in your hand to unlock those shackles. On top of that, you have several backup copies of the key available just in case you lose the one you're holding. You literally have every chance to unlock yourself from your current life to open the door to the exciting great life you so richly deserve.
No one is standing your way except for you.
Get thee some counseling and handle your depression, it sounds like you are in major dumpsville to be thinking like this.
No meds, you can cure this depression with a swift kick in the arse and splash of cold water on your face and telling yourself that a great life is yours for the taking you just have to say.... "YES, I want this now!"
and i think you are missing another important point.
Beer is good.
and compnay is better. Take notice of DanF. Notice how is attitude and disposition has changed. The ball is rolling. Then it speeds up. Then one day you wonder what the problem was in the first place, because the negetive dpressing aspects of life arent worth remembering.
Remember, beer is good. Beers with company is better.
