We go on New Beginnings marriage retreat deal next weekend, July 30th. We'll see how that goes. It has a 3/4 success rate to restore couples, so hopefully we are in that 75%. If we are not - and he does not want to work on marriage after that weekend... out he goes (that same week).
UGH...Just got off the phone with my Dad. He is not a man of many words. He asked about the kids as usual and about H. Before we hung up he said, "Tell the kids I love them and H too. So proud of you all."
Do you know how hard that was to hear? If he only knew... He loves H like a son. It hit me that it is going to be harder for me to tell my Dad than anyone about all of this should next weekend not bode well and I have to tell H to leave. Even harder than the kids? Yes, believe it or not - because Dad is up there and not been in the greatest health and Mom is even worse, esp. emotionally right now. We have had 3 very difficult deaths in our family in the last year! She is beyond depressed over that and some other family situations. I'm thankful we don't live close so they don't have to know what's up with me/H right away.
Now, you might think I should tell them - that it would be good. Let me tell you, it does not work that way in this case. When (hopefully "if") I have to tell my parents, it will make things so much worse for me. My mom is a basketcase and I will have to be the one to console her. It will be a nightmare, trust me. And Dad will be hurt to no end. He thinks so highly of H! My dad is the only read Dad in H's life, quite frankly.
Should I tell H that Dad called and said to tell him he loves him? My dad may be the only person H truly would feel accountable to. He's already convinced the kids, because of their ages, will be fine with D. He has to know that it will break my dad's heart, and he thinks highly of my dad. Maybe that little reminder wouldn't hurt but it could also be seen as manipulating/pursuing to make an issue of telling him.
I can definitely relate, Sunny. My in-laws adore me so much (and the feeling is mutual), that there has been tough times in my marriage when I think the thought of disappointing (more like "devastating") them is the only thing that's kept us together.
You don't want to expose to YOUR parents unless he has to leave the home. They will likely never forgive your H and that may cement him simply wanting to escape the shame.
Your call, but in laws are painful enough to deal with let alone having to walk the gauntlet of having cheated on thier daughter.
Hold off on that unless you absoutely have to.
OR, when he leaves you tell HIM to do it and hand in the phone so he does it honestly.
It would definitely devastate my parents. H's - he barely even talks to, so no big deal there!
Of course, no one really cares about what my mom thinks/feels. I know that sounds terrible, but she is a bitter, controlling woman who thinks mostly about herself. I do my best in that R but that's another story. However...my dad is different: H adores him and he adores H. Well, we all adore my dad.
I KNOW H has thought about the effects on my family because he once made the comment, "You can tell them it's all my fault," even though he was blaming me at the time for all our issues. I hadn't even brought up my family and he said that. He also has a lot of respect for my brother/sis-in-law and their kids... They all love H as well. Unfortunately, all of my family is far away. No family close to home. So - not a lot of impact because H would not have to look them in the eye ever again if he walked out.
True, Allen! Of course, I wasn't planning on telling them unless/until it was necessary. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.
Good call on making him tell my dad if that's his decision. I'm sure H would just ignore any calls if Dad tried calling him after the fact. BUT...if he has to be the one to call and tell them, then he will hear it, regardless.
Thanks for the suggestion. That's exactly what I'm going to do if it comes to that. I'm praying it does not.
I will say that I worry that "making" him go to this retreat is seen as pursuing. That if I am supposed to be detaching/letting go, wouldn't I just say, "Fine...don't go. Get out." ???
The other half of me says no, that by holding firmly to the plan of him going is "saying" that I am no longer going to accept his CB and he needs to get on board with getting help. The "or get out" is implied. ???
I think what you want to convey is a calm, positive sense of "Either way, I'll be just fine the following Monday. My PREFERENCE is that you will want to go, and work on our marriage, but if you don't, I'll be thankful for the CLARITY that Monday morning brings, and it will be good to begin getting on with the rest of my life."
