Exposure is a wonderful thing isnt' it? Just motivates you out the wazoo...
YES! I can't believe how strengthening it is. I never even thought that I should tell the kids about what H has been doing. That was the very thing I feared: having to tell them. Now, however, I find that after telling S16 that I've faced the worse and not only is he not mad at me for considering booting H out the door, he wants to help me do it!
liberating. And to see S's disgust just tells me how strong I can be - that I NEED to stand up to that disgusting behavior.
I've known all along about self-respect, etc... but I never counted on how freeing it would be to tell the kids the truth of the matter and exposing H's behavior. Wow. MOTIVATING is not even strong enough... it's beyond that.
Son said, "WE will be fine." If HE can say that, I da*n sure can!
Yep.. I hope your daughter will be equally supportive.
Did you find out if your H locked his kids out of his facebook? That would probably really confirm your position with them if he did... If you tell them he's trolling and THEY can't see his facebook? BOOM.. He'll sink like a stone.
What I don't get Sunny is why so many damn Family Therapists tell their "patients" to keep their traps shut?
Every time I hear an exposure I hear how great it feels to finally speak the truth and step OUT of the drama... to be OUTSIDE in the SUN after a long time hiding away feeling worthless and miserable...
Why on earth would someone tell a person hurting that badly to stay quiet?
You are exactly right, Allen! I tell ya - it's SO isolating staying quiet and you get support when you are able to talk about it rationally and maturally. (As opposed to just spouting off to anyone who will listen without thinking first.) That's where so much despair comes in. When you are able to get OUTSIDE, you feel better and have other people's strength to help you instead of just relying on your own.
I do believe D will be equally supportive. She and I are much closer than she and H. Of course, it's always different. I really thought S16 would be more on "Dad's side" but exposing woke up a definite protective instinct in him. Maybe with D it will go differently than I expect because we all know Daughters and Daddies!!! But, my point isn't to get the kids to take sides. My point is to get them to side for the marriage - for our family.
H came home and acted like "business as usual" and did not bring up weekend again. S16 acted fine with H. Actually, a little too fine I thought. LOL. I was like, "hey...where's the I'm so pissed at Dad S16?!" Of course, I don't want him to act badly around H. I want their R to stay on course.
To clarify on the facebook issue: I don’t believe he still has kids blocked from his “wall”. He did for a time – about 6 weeks ago. He had me blocked and the kids, so I was suspicious. This is when I went into his FB account and did some fishing. He got mad, and that was the weekend of the big fight –apt hunting – me getting that text he meant to send to ex¬-gf that was sexual – kids hearing that he wanted D, all of that. About 6 weeks after the bomb and roughly 6 weeks ago.
After all of this is when the big email exchange occurred where I told him if he wanted out, to go. That if he was going to have inappropriate relationships, he should not live at home. He stayed. At that point I thought we were working on R – he even asked about counseling. As we know, he wasn’t serious about working on R.
Unknowns: whether or not he is still having inappropriate conversations/relationships.
Whether he is still trolling for people on FB and just taken it underground.
Whether he is or isn’t in EA/PA. Highly doubt PA but EA very possible.
Knowns: Takes his cell wherever he goes, even into bathroom.
Looking for that “in love” feeling. Doesn’t have it for me.
Pitching a fit about having to go on this weekend retreat
Has talked to both male/female friends about M issues but only the FT – the professional – once.
Does not consider himself as having MLC but is acting like a teenager
Hides in the world of Xbox
Does not want to work on M because he “has no feelings” for me.
Doesn’t go out after work. Is home most of the time he’s supposed to be.
Did start working out, lost weight, working on appearance, etc...
Yes, I have. I have been unsure whether to do that because I've gotten advice both ways - to ask/not to ask - including from FT.
Well - that and the fact that I was sure I needed to snoop and "get proof". I was hell bent on that, mentally!
So, now that I'm not hellbent on the proof, I am visiting that possibility again. Now what stops me is the fact that we're going on this marriage retreat next weekend (30th) and I was told NOT to talk to H about R at all if I could help it (by weekend counselor). Therefore, I am not going to for now, I guess.
Having said that - I no longer care as much either, since I don't care about proof. I know his behavior and that's enough. Whether he is or is not having EA is no longer the point. His behavior is destructive to our M and to our family. Whatever the cause for it, it has to stop or he needs to get out. I'm giving this weekend retreat a chance and hopefully it will get us to the point of doing REAL work on R. If not, he is going to be asked to leave. S16 knows this. I have to now tell D18 when she returns Sunday night. S14 I will consider when I need to tell him, but definitely before I ask H to leave.
Good point (about the behavior). And yeah, I wouldn't do anything to stir the pot before the retreat. Just "smile and wave," as we like to say around here ... for now.
Just to add...I already have proof of the sexual text he sent to ex-gf. If that's not proof enough, I don't know what is!
Of course, he totally justified that by saying "he had already been apt hunting, that we were on the outs" so that makes it OK at that time. yeah, right. The ole Ross/Rachel argument: We were on a break! lol
