Just type "Affair Intervention" into the youtube search box, there's about three or four vids of a woman having an affair and she has FIVE DAUGHTERS... McGraw brought the four oldest into the session... they had interesting things to say...
Love McGraws lecture he gave the wife... classic stuff
Well, how do YOU plan on telling the famly in the OPEN about your trip to this place with your H?
Are you goign to LIE and say its a cruise?
If you both ADMIT its a marriage building weekend then your Son can give his F a hug and tell him he's proud of him for keeping the family togthter... that's motivation enough... As long as they say something constructive to motivate him in a healthy direction.
Your son needs guidance on how you want himt o handle it. If you want himt o just be quiet about it and show pride when his father tells him he's going away for the trip that's fine.
It's best not to tell your H that yo shared info with his son right now. He's NOT emotionally stable enough to receive the news well.
And your SON may have some input here.. he may WANT you to keep it quiet too... he DOES have a right to say how HE feels about it...
It's a secret that belongs to you and your son now... you two need to communicate about it honeslty and regularly as a famly should...
When exposure happens this interesting "reverse exposure" thing happens...
Suddenly YOU and the FAMILY are in on a SECRET and the WAYWARD spouse is out of the loop... now its Y OUR turn to hide secrets from HIM... see?
And yes, he woudl be furuios.
I honestly don't think if his facebook is innocent he should be HIDING it from his KIDS... do YOU?
Yes, S and I discussed it. He's the one that said 14S shouldn't know right now. He agreed 18D should know when she returns from her college trip.
Interesting thought on the REverse Exposure.
And NO! He shouldn't have to hide his FB from kids. Well, he only hid a certain part he said - because he and his high school buddies were discussing some of their drunken, younger days... (That was his reason - not that he was currently doing anything inappropriate.)
Just type "Affair Intervention" into the youtube search box, there's about three or four vids of a woman having an affair and she has FIVE DAUGHTERS... McGraw brought the four oldest into the session... they had interesting things to say...
Love McGraws lecture he gave the wife... classic stuff
Well, how do YOU plan on telling the famly in the OPEN about your trip to this place with your H?
Are you goign to LIE and say its a cruise?
If you both ADMIT its a marriage building weekend then your Son can give his F a hug and tell him he's proud of him for keeping the family togthter... that's motivation enough... As long as they say something constructive to motivate him in a healthy direction.
Give your SON some scripts if he wants them.
Was definitely going to tell them it was a marriage weekend. They knew we had a big fight and that H had brought out the D word so that part isn't a surprise to them. I had not told them about any specifics though.
Good idea - about the scripts.
H is going into this with the idea of "fine, it won't work - it's just going to push me away further..." and I hate that he has that attitude. It's like setting up to fail. I forgot the term where you set yourself up for a certain outcome because that's what your beliefs are. That part makes me nervous that we will be the 1 out of 4 that doesn't get saved through the weekend. BUT...I am not letting that fear stop me! If it doesn't go well then I've done all I could and it's time for him to leave.
Self defeating attitude I think is what you are after there.
Next time he says soemthing negative like "It won't work"
try
Giving up on your famly so quickly? Without even going? You must be a very proud father.
Children are damaged goods after a divorce. Even an idiot knows that. And you want to RUN there?
Your kids will be very proud of you ... Dad.
OR
Won't work? Of course it might not work. But skulking around facebook for old girlfriends isn't going to help your kids have a stronger famly now is it?
Although, I think he just likes where he's at now: Not leaving yet not addressing the marriage either. It's not that he's running towards divorce, he just thinks he can keep cake eating by staying here, walking the tightrope of not having an A yet not working on M either... but having chats/texts/whatever else.. but me being here and him here for the kids too. Quite a nice setup that of course he'd like to keep!
It's like, "Sure...force me on this retreat and it's just going to push me out the door because I'm mad about having to go!" What he's implying is, "I'm not going to reconnect with you after this weekend and am going to feel worse about you, so I'm going to be forced to leave." Similar to, "I was GOING to work things out, but now this!"
Won't work? Of course it might not work. But skulking around facebook for old girlfriends isn't going to help your kids have a stronger famly now is it?
Sunny I made a post earlier today on anotehr thread here... You may have already seen it, but in case you hadn't I am pasting it here .. a lot of it follows on what you just said about your H liking his little setup
I use this model often, so I will offer it up again here.
Your Husband has three basic choices of lifestyle here :
a. Continue to see you, and his affair partner (cake-eat) b. End his marriage, minimize contact with you, and pursue affair partner 100% c. End his affair and work with a FT to reconcile with you 100%
Right NOW, you have been making option A AVAILABLE to him. He can see you as often as he wants, whenever he wants, and you are all smiles when he does. You even make him dinner or whatever.
When you cut OFF option A he has to make a choice between two ugly options to him. He does NOT want to end all contact with you, or he would have done that already. He does NOT want to end all contact with his OW either.
YOU take actions to STOP A from being available as an option. Until you cut off option A he will KEEP TAKING IT and NEVER recommit and YOU will continue to feel increasingly miserable.
Cut him off at the knees by removing option A.
You cannot force him to choose option C, but you CAN STOP him from choosing option A by NOT being available to him anymore.
You have been making yourself available 100% so he's been cake eating... it won't help you.
Cut him off at the knees. He may choose b, he may choose c, but at least he will have made a choice and you can stop feeling miserable.
