I've had a rough couple of hours. H tried to back out of the weekend deal. At first he tried saying, "It wasn't worth the money...that taking a cruise together that is fun would be better money spent." I replied I was sorry, it was a done deal, already registered and paid. Maybe afterwards we could take a cruise.
Reply to that? This weekend will not turn out like "I want it to" that he doesn't want to go, and that he will not want to take a cruise with me after this is done and it goes badly. People telling him how to act is going to further push him away and not reconnect. Oh, and that, he can't give me what I need... that I deserve better.
So then I ask does that mean he is unwilling? And that yes, I do deserve better. (Short reply - did not expound on it.)
His reply, simply, "I will go."
So, there you have it: he is going but reluctantly. The people are New Beginnings said it's fine - he doesn't have to be happy about going, just has to show up. (Told him that also and he said that's just a sales pitch.)
Anyway... I was so upset over this exchange that I started bawling in front of my 16 year old. Told him I was going to possibly ask his dad to leave, and why: I explained to him about H trolling FB and sending sexual text msgs to an old gf, of which I had proof. I explained that H refused to work on the M and I could not live like this any longer when his dad refused to get help. This was before the last msg from H saying he would go. S cried and we hugged each other. I told him his Dad loves him and I was sorry this was happening. I wanted him to understand though - if I had to ask H to leave, why. He said he is pissed.
Now I feel bad for having told S all of this. I just couldn't help it because at the time, I fully expected to have to ask H to leave tonight. 18 year old D is out of town until Sunday. I said nothing to 14S because once we got home, H had sent the reply that he would attend the weekend.
Apologized to 16S for having unloaded this on him prematurely. If he wants to go to counseling, I will take him. I then asked that he not say anything about the FB issue since H is now willing to go on the weekend. Geez...why couldn't I have kept my mouth shut? Of course, H may still back out...
Don't feel bad. He's old enough to handle and be included in exposure.
YOu DO need to give him some direction on how you would like him to handle himself now that he knows...
Just have your son give his father a hug and tell him he's proud of him for going.
He could just as easily see the facebook stuff himself... kids have the time and energy to read that stuff all day.
I am shocked he would put stuff on facebook right in the open where his kids might see it.
Your son can HELP motivate his father. I think he should start motivating him as above and do what he can to add support to his father rebuilding the marriage.
He's old enough to be involved Sunny
phil McGraw did an affair intervention on national tv and had a 14 year old daughter speaking up and involved... and I agree with him that 14 is old enough to warrant their input at that point. It's unfortunate, but excluding them and making decisions without them is unfortunate too.
They will be glad one day they were respected as an adult and give a chance to help save the marraige.
You're right. He IS old enough and I actually feel more calmly now that I've told him. It's like, one of my worst fears was having to tell the kids. Well, the 2 boys are the ones I worried about the most and 1 already understands. I'm more concerned about 14S. Do I now tell him or wait until after the weekend? He's not your typical 14yr old boy: he is borderline Aspergers, which is a form of Autism, and has had issues with depression. I'm so afraid of this all affecting him most of all.
18 yr old D I will tell when she gets back home. Don't want to tell her while she is out of town.
Have you had a chat with your son about how you want HIM to handle HIMSLEF yet? If you have'nt he's in a lot of stress on what you want him to do right now.
Also, you may want to offer him some guidance about further exposure.. he may tell his sister before you even do... siblings WILL do that...
Be a mom and give him a good long talk in a restaurant or soemthing.
This is the POINT of exposure :
a. It's theraputic for you b. It's respectful to your exposure group - they deserve to know c. It brings you closer to your kids d. It introduces hope for reconcilliation
It's a good thing, don't feel bad you spoke up... Don't feel bad anymore than a child speaks up to his family about being bullied at school
I assume you saw the Infidelty Intervention videos on youtube?
As for FB stuff, it is all hidden. He made his "wall" private from the kids - and from me for awhile, until I demanded that it not be. We got into it over that - and then he made it un-private to me but I believe the kids are still blocked. Now, there's been nothing added to FB in awhile. So, he has nothing on there public to find. I believe it went from finding this people on FB to then getting #'s and email addresses. So, anything inappropriate that has occurred has been over email/text msg/cellphone, not FB itself.
So - you think 16S should actually tell Dad he knows about the text msg???? Or, is that something saved for after the weekend. The weekend counselor told me not to discuss R with H at all if it could be helped, before arriving. I'm sure H will blow up once he knows I told 16S. That is probably not a good thing. He'll use it as an excuse to back out.
The counselor said, as you did, Allen, that H will waiver all over the place about going - to expect it!
Honestly, I don't expect this next week to be pretty!
You do not need to rush to tell 14S if you need time to think it through, take it. I do think that it is better if he knows from you if he could find out from someone else that does not know how be there for him the way you can.
Just do what you feel is right!
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Your son needs guidance on how you want himt o handle it. If you want himt o just be quiet about it and show pride when his father tells him he's going away for the trip that's fine.
It's best not to tell your H that yo shared info with his son right now. He's NOT emotionally stable enough to receive the news well.
And your SON may have some input here.. he may WANT you to keep it quiet too... he DOES have a right to say how HE feels about it...
It's a secret that belongs to you and your son now... you two need to communicate about it honeslty and regularly as a famly should...
When exposure happens this interesting "reverse exposure" thing happens...
Suddenly YOU and the FAMILY are in on a SECRET and the WAYWARD spouse is out of the loop... now its Y OUR turn to hide secrets from HIM... see?
And yes, he woudl be furuios.
I honestly don't think if his facebook is innocent he should be HIDING it from his KIDS... do YOU?
Have you had a chat with your son about how you want HIM to handle HIMSLEF yet? If you have'nt he's in a lot of stress on what you want him to do right now.
Also, you may want to offer him some guidance about further exposure.. he may tell his sister before you even do... siblings WILL do that...
Be a mom and give him a good long talk in a restaurant or soemthing.
This is the POINT of exposure :
a. It's theraputic for you b. It's respectful to your exposure group - they deserve to know c. It brings you closer to your kids d. It introduces hope for reconcilliation
It's a good thing, don't feel bad you spoke up... Don't feel bad anymore than a child speaks up to his family about being bullied at school
I assume you saw the Infidelty Intervention videos on youtube?
Send me that link ...I think I did but want to make sure!
Yes, I talked with 16S. He agreed not to tell 14S and 18D and let me tell them. I probably need to give more direction to him on how to behave towards his Dad though. Thoughts???
You do not need to rush to tell 14S if you need time to think it through, take it. I do think that it is better if he knows from you if he could find out from someone else that does not know how be there for him the way you can.
