Hmmm....sent the email....no response yet. I know it's only been about 45 min. but H usually responds right away on his Blackberry or laptop. I'm not panicking, I just realized I didn't think of a response if he says No or what to do if he doesn't respond at all...
It will answer my last question before continuing in Confront mode that's for sure. It's definite proof that he does not plan on working on the marriage even though he has said so in the past. I guess my response is.... nothing???
Sunny, I honestly think your H is doing the same thing every wayward spouse does : wing it.
he has no plan, he bases his choices on the moment and his mood at the time. He can turn on a dime and he's very worked up and confused almost every minute of the day.
Don't take him ignoring your email as a no or think he has some grand plan to exit... He's just wayward and flying from the seat of his pants as they all do.
To be honest I wouldn't even have asked him. I would have booked it and told him where to be and when and that's it.
No asking, no confrontation, no emotion. Just be HERE at THIS TIME or a lot of money will be wasted.
I did end up getting an email asking questions about costs, etc… I sent him all the information. Nothing back. He just called and I asked if he received the info. He said yes and basically said, “if that’s what we want to do I guess we can do it.” So… I’m registering! If he backslides on it, I'll say too bad - it's paid for, we're going or you can leave. (Not those exact words but that's my new line of thinking.
I talked to a counselor there and she said that they are very used to dealing with spouses in his mindset. He doesn’t have to want to be there, can even be mad about being there, as long as he’s there!
She is glad that I have read all the stuff I’ve read. She said everything they do is in line with tough love, etc… I told her I was very concerned it would seem like “pursuing” to make him come. She said it will not be that at all – even if he thinks that before arriving, he will understand it’s not when there.
The counselor advised that I not talk to H about the relationship at all before coming next weekend. So, my plan is to continue upping 180’s and GAL. Last night I went out for awhile. Told H I was going to study with some new friends from class. I really went and studied by myself, but he didn’t need to know that. Have made some changes in my clothing style, etc… that I think he will notice when he gets home. I actually stayed gone from 6:00-8:15 but he wasn’t home in time to notice that, darn it.
This is honestly a last ditch effort (the New Beginnings weekend) for me. I believe I have been totally enlightened now – and you helped that, Allen – and no longer desire to be with H if real changes don’t occur in the relationship on HIS part!
YOu aren't asking for the moon... I think even an end to his secrecy would reduce your stress and make you a lot happier right now...
Once you go you may want to say something nice casually to him about going, that you respect him or something like that... That a lot of spouses don't have courage or maturity to go...
YOu aren't asking for the moon... I think even an end to his secrecy would reduce your stress and make you a lot happier right now...
Once you go you may want to say something nice casually to him about going, that you respect him or something like that... That a lot of spouses don't have courage or maturity to go...
But WAIT til he's THERE to say it lol
You are definitely right. If his behavior wasn't so secretive, things wouldn't be nearly so hard. It just tells me there is something to be secretive about! Good idea... I will say something positive to him about going when we get there - or on the way. BTW, I couldn't have told him just to show up because each spouse has to complete confidential assignments before attending.
I'm really interested to see how this all goes! They boast a 3/4 marriages saved that attend. I did google Retrouvaille as well but they didn't have a weekend near us until October and I didn't want to wait that long. I took it as a sign that New Beginnings has one next weekend near us!
Hmmm.... and QS's post was very insightful! You and I were discussing the prowling/trolling, but I never looked at it completely in this light! It struck home that H doesn't look at anything he's doing as wrong because perhaps there is no specific OP right now. It's the "anyone but Sunny" thing. So, technically, maybe he's not cheating. However, he's getting a rush from attention from OW and wanting to date...and that fantasy person perhaps.
WOW: this is almost harder to combat than just a specific OW. Mainly because if there is technically no A, there's no guilt either. It's just a fantasy mindset where it's blaming me and the marriage for his unhappiness.
I see the only way of dealing with this as showing him the door. There's nothing to expose. Of course, there's always hope that this weekend retreat we are going on will help... But dang, what an epiphany to start the day.
I came to this realization that AFTER I re-exposed the Facebook guy.
The day BEFORE I did it, she was searching "ways to a guys heart", "sex to a guys heart", "how to get a guy online", and "is sex the way to win a guy".
She had been pursuing him a MONTH AFTER the FIRST exposure. And it FINALLY paid off when they started contact AGAIN. Finally he said "I want you in EVERY WAY". That was all she needed to start the online searches. She REALLY thought she was going to run into his arms, and be happy ever after.
AND THIS TIME, she left NO STONE unturned in her attempt to win him into bed and visit him. She let him say ANYTHING to her, and I could hear her LAUGHING and "HMMMMMMMM-ing" at his messages from her room that VERY NIGHT as I watched the network and what was going on as it unfolded.
What she said back to him was HORRIFYING. Then I exposed, and she left for a week. She didn't get on Facebook for like 4 days, and almost stopped texting ALTOGETHER. You can see it in her now. She is DEVASTATED that she can't have him anymore. It's PATHETIC.
Then she started chatting with this young guy at work, and asking him to be her roommate. Just LAST NIGHT she online searched his family business, and spent 10 minutes looking at his photos and requested that she be able to answer questions about him on Facebook.
She is in need of validation, attention, and pursuing BADLY. She pursues because she LOVES the attention that the OM give back, and it makes it worthwhile for her. She has something to "win", whereas she feels in her marriage she has "lost everything and who she was".
Your H may be as desperate as my wife to "get away" BECAUSE they are running from what they are FEELING AND DOING to THEMSELVES. The harder they run from you and pursue other people, the worse they feel. They stoop to NEW LOWS, things they and other people NEVER THOUGHT they would do. So they run harder and look harder. And it cycles downward until they are so far deep in that the ONLY way out they see is to divorce and QUICKLY attach onto "that someone else".
It is absolutely horrifying to watch. Believe me.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/22/1002:04 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
