Allen, H did mention that he is still willing to go on the weekend retreat my counseling center recommends. The one that is similar to Retrovaille (sp?) I think. Well, it's for marriages in crisis - even for people who have already filed. Of course, he said he would go "if it would make me feel better."
I am trying to decide whether or not we should go given his current state of mind. Should I backburner it? If we wait, it will be awhile before it's close to us again. The next one near us is right around the corner - July 30th, so I need to make a decision about it. www.savemymarriage.com
You don't need proof. You arne't a district attourney and this isn't a criminal trial.
He's married and he's keeping secrets. That's enough of a problem ALONE even if the phone turns up CLEAN.
The point is that he's keeping secrets rather than participating in the marriage... THAT is your issue, NOT what is on the phone.
If you argue from THAT position, he's already guilty and you already have all the proof you need. You KNOW he's hiding his phone.. THAT is destructive to a marriage...
Lets suppose the phone is empty... He's caused his spouse to have anxious panic attacks for weeks for NO REASON other than the sick pleasure of knowing he's making his partner uncomfortable and slowly unravel into tears.
THAT is the problem... NOT what he's DOING on the phone.
And you ESPECIALLY don't hide your cell phone from your partner when they have a history of being the victim of infidelity! That's just ABUSIVE beyond belief.
You see Sunny, you don't need to find an EA on the phone, your H is already doing a lot of damage... you HAVE the proof you need in his current behaviour.
Even if the phone is CLEAN this secretkeeping is NOT something I can imagine you can accept in a marriage...
Every time he takes that phone into the bathroom with him he condemns himself as a bad husband... PERIOD
You ARE on a roll!!! You make some VERY good points and I'm glad I read this before going to bed. It just did not even occur to me that this hiding stuff is abusive and cause enough without proof to hold his feet to the fire! You are so right!
AND...I thought of another word for this particular state: TROLLING!
Ya, in your situation in particular if I were the sposue I would offer up transparency immediately to AVOID you getting paranoid from past hurts.
THIS GUY is just ANTAGONIZING your scars... rather petty if you ask me...
I just pictured in my mind him snarling and handing you his phone and telling you smugly "there's nothing there... Just me talking with some guy friends"
And you taking the phone and tossing it into the blender and turning it on full blast...
"Do you think I CARE what's ON there? I care that you are so RUDE as to HIDE things from a woman who was HURTFULLY CHEATED ON... how RUDE of you do DO that to someone.. I don't give a damn what's ON the phone, I give a damn that YOU HIDE IT FROM ME."
Something like that...
Secret keeping does induce panic, anxiety, etc. If you factor in other behaviours like the matress clinging, the threats of leaving, etc... its all very abusive and stress inducing.
I haven't even GOT into infidelity yet. Him benig wayward is enough on its own... If he dones't LIKE his marriage he needs to KNOCK OFF the VIDEO GAMES and DO SOMETHING to FIX IT
Hide my phone? Yah.. That should make things tons better... I'll do that...
I can't tell you how much this perspective helps me: gives me a whole new mindset even! What's on the cellphone isn't so important now because his behavior is wrong whether there's anything on it or not. Seems easy enough, but a big lightbulb went off for me.
On the marriage retreat possibility: Spoke with counselor at the New Beginnings place and she feels it would be very good for H and I. It takes the "tough love" approach and will not be me pursuing him to stay in our relationship. She said if I can get him to come, doesn't matter his mindset, to do so. They work from the respect/boundaries/accountability framework.
This is going to be my last effort, I'd guess you'd say, to see if H is truly willing to work on our marriage or if he is just biding his time to get out. I've drafted this email, let me know what you think! If I get a yes from him, everything will be put on hold. If no, it's go time in terms of confronting him, dropping the rope, etc...
I have been thinking about our conversation the other night and you said you were willing to go to the weekend marriage retreat. It is coming up next weekend, at least the closest one to us.(July 30th weekend)
If you are still willing to go, we need to register. There is a payment plan where we pay about $500 now and then make monthly payments of $100 each. Hotel is extra.
It seemed that you only wanted to go to appease me. I hope that is not the case and that you would truly like to see if we have a chance. Believe me, I am not ready to stay in a loveless marriage to someone who does not want me. I also do not want to be in a marriage where I am suspicious of behavior and don't feel safe, where secrets are kept and relationships pursued on the outside. Perhaps this weekend would be good for both of us to determine where we stand.
