The Next Phase

[idontunderstand]

Thanks, Rob.

That's why I am still at the home. Most of the advice is to stay. It was suggested on another thread, I thing Gucci's "setting them free", that if they won't move out, I should. Well, she won't. She refuses. She has no place to go.

She has become very worried about money. She has taken a waitress/bartender job and is taking as much work as they will schedule her. For the next two weeks, that means EVERY DAY. I really think she is just trying to pay off some debt before she hires a L. IDK, just my feeling.

I have told her to leave, I would help her pack, etc. I can stay with my sister who is very close to my work and has room for me and the kids. I know it is not ideal, but I am really out of ideas. I thought maybe this was a good alternative.

I can see where it shows I am attached to the outcome now that you pointed it out. No time limits. I really just want her out.

[stitch]

I really just want her out.

I must comment on this as I can relate to your problem to a tee. My wife wanted a legal separation I said I did not, and wanted to work on the R. I tried I really did.. too much apparently, pleading pursuing etc

I stayed at my brothers for a week while she stayed in the house with the kids 5 and 8. The next week she would stay in her parents basement suit and I would stay on the house with the girls.

I held on as long as I could and finally got a lawyer signed the separation papers and put the house up for sale.
I remember the day it sold I could hear her upstairs almost cheering with joy, I sat downstairs where I had lived for 6 months and cried my face off.

Funny, I managed to get out of the deal and bought my wife out and gave her two weeks to move out….finally I had some control over the situation. She moved to her parents home and that is where she is.

Children custody 50 /50 and all I can say is… she has to drop off the girls at my home, the girls home where they are comfortable and have their same rooms. I looked at it as keeping as much of their day to day STABILITY in tact as possible.

At my wife’s parents place. The girls sleep upstairs in a room besides my wife’s parents who are in there mid 70’s. My girls tell me the grandparents cook the majority of the meals, ( wife never could grasp the concept of cooking….noodles)

My wife has put her parents in bind having to help look after two small children ( no small task) I told my wife, you want to split up the family then so be it……

Like everyone has said have her move out. This is what she wants she has to pay the consequence for her actions.

Stay strong, keep the place for your children…stability for them is the key right now.

[idontunderstand]

Thanks, Stitch.

Thanks for the input. It's still amazing how similar ALL of this is.

I know what you are saying. The plan, such as it is, is for the kids to stay at the home and each of us taking turns staying with them in the home. Not ideal, I know. Just searching for something to get myself some relief. I do not pay attention to her moods anymore. Last night, after supper, we cleaned the table and showered the kids and I took turns playing with them. W went in living room and read a book. She had to be at work at 4:oo this morning. I was playing the playstation with the two younger kids and she came in and told them good-night and told me what the babysitting arrangements were for today. She said she was going to bed and for me to get the kids in bed by 9:30. I asked where she was sleeping, she said in bed. Now, I know I didn't handle this the right way, but S4 has been sleeping in bed with me for a few months, since she wanted to separate. He will go to sleep in his room but end up with me almost every night. D6 does, too. Anyway, I told S4 to go ahead and get in bed with Mom. W said he needs to sleep in his own bed. I reminded her that I was not sleeping on the couch and if she was going to our bed, either I would sleep with her, or I would sleep in son's bed. She said, fine, and slept on the couch in the living room instead of the family room.

I know the deal is not to give up my bed, not negotiate who would sleeps where. I got the reminder across in front of the kids without saying anything in front of them about why mom and dad don't sleep together anymore. They notice anyway. Just part of the suck.

Like everyone has said have her move out. This is what she wants she has to pay the consequence for her actions.

I keep telling her that she needs to do exactly that. She won't.

Stay strong, keep the place for your children…stability for them is the key right now.

I'm trying, and you're right; stability is so important for them even though things are falling apart.

[pigskin]

Based on how you describe your W's behavior around you, I am of the opinion that a separation won't do anything at all for your relationship. She is not exactly "on the fence" not knowing what she wants. She seems as if she would be gone in seconds if you had a hundred grand sitting in your savings account.

Maybe just file for divorce. It's not like it will be finalized in two weeks. It will go as fast or slow as you want it. And it can always be pulled from the table if your W wakes up. But she will know you are serious, and it will save you the 6 months that I think will be a waste of time. You tried MC, and she basically sh*tcanned it. What is left to do?

[idontunderstand]

Based on how you describe your W's behavior around you, I am of the opinion that a separation won't do anything at all for your relationship. She is not exactly "on the fence" not knowing what she wants. She seems as if she would be gone in seconds if you had a hundred grand sitting in your savings account.

Maybe just file for divorce. It's not like it will be finalized in two weeks. It will go as fast or slow as you want it. And it can always be pulled from the table if your W wakes up. But she will know you are serious, and it will save you the 6 months that I think will be a waste of time. You tried MC, and she basically sh*tcanned it. What is left to do?

I'm sure you are right on, Pigskin. I guess I got sidetracked when I read that if she won't leave, I should.(not a direct quote ;))

She said during our last "discussion" that I told her that I couldn't get over this. I said that I did not tell her that, do not put words in my mouth. She said that during our one MC session, that I was mad and distant, the C did not tell me what I wanted to hear, which was, according to her, that she should quit coaching and the school board and stay at home. Again I said, that's not true, I was nervous and concerned, but after you said that you weren't here to work on the M and you were "done", I didn't see any point in going into any more detail to try to get to the real root of the problems and try to solve them.

I know by some of the things she says that she is somewhat conflicted. She has no idea what she is getting herself and our family into. Maybe a separation would shed some light on that. Maybe I am chickening out. Probably the latter.

See why I didn't change my name to iunderstand just yet.

Thanks again for all you have done for me, I won't forget it. Like I said, I won't be here as much for a while(not counting today!)because I need to think through so much. I'm sure I have the answers already. Just need some quiet time to digest and think things through. While I still hope not to be in your position, I hope that when I do get there, I can deal with it rationally and with strength the same way that you are.

I'm sure I will have some questions, but I have to do some things on my own. Stand on my own two feet, if you will.

Time to embrace the suck. I've been doing it a little at a time. That's not the right way. Embrace it ALL.

[DanF]

See ya later IDU. Good luck to you.....

[stitch]

Based on how you describe your W's behavior around you, I am of the opinion that a separation won't do anything at all for your relationship. She is not exactly "on the fence" not knowing what she wants. She seems as if she would be gone in seconds if you had a hundred grand sitting in your savings account.

Know there is a reply that went literally thru me like a lightning bolt. The truth hearts down to the bone… deep.
I went to a councilor twice to work on my marriage problems. All I can say is that they both laid me out and beat me to the curb. Emotionally crushed me for many months. It was the most painful thing I have ever been thru. It was just a way for my wife to say again “I am Done” “I do not want to spend the rest of my life with you” I did buy her out of the house I have my girls 5 and 8 50 percent of the time. She has her wealthy parents to rely on and buy her a house. Funny we have been legally separated for three months and she still lives in the basement suit of her parents home.
I did go the her parents and tried to convince them to stay out of our issues and do not throw the Colden carrot in from of her nose because there are two children involved. No such luck. The old me would not have been able to write this without crying uncontrollably … It’s true we all get stronger.
Cheers.
Stitch

[idontunderstand]

Journaling:

Just so I can look back and keep things fresh in my mind.


W got home from the bar/resaurant last night and sat down to eat. I asked how her day was. She said it was busy and that she made $150 in tips. I said that sounds like a great day.

While she is eating, she tells me about a guy she says was probably in his mid 50's who asked if she was a long distance runner. She said that she does run some, why? Of course he said he noticed how long and lean her legs were and how she was the best looking waitress there, etc. He was soon joined by a buddy who said, when she brought him his drink, "Hey, Joe, you're right. She is the best looking one is the building." Then they started asking her her sign and guessing what it was. I kind of laughed and said I didn't think people used that as a pick up line anymore. She laughed and said she thought the same thing. One of the twins came in and overheard us and said to her, "you should have told him you were married, Mom, and for him to leave you alone." Wow, did that piss her off! She said, "I just shouldn't have said anything." I told our son that some people just do that when they go to some places and it didn't mean anything.

So, she's trying to make me jealous? I simply agreed with everything she said. "I'm sure you are the best looking waitress there...You do have great legs..." I never argued or got mad. She has waitressed and bartended for years off and on. I never got jealous before. I'm not jealous now. If she's out to get picked up, so be it. She calls on her way home and she is working every day at this restaurant. They close at 10:00 and she has never been later getting home than 10:30. This is a busy time of year for them and she says it is all going on the credit cards. I guess that's a good thing no matter how it all turns out.

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well. I will keep checking in from time to time.

[LSG]

Hi IDU,

I am so sorry to hear the persistent difficulties in your marriage. I understand that you need some time to yourself to think. I hope it sheds some light on your sitch.

I know it is not an ideal situation for you right now. You will be okay whatever the outcome of your sitch. Remember that!

You will be missed on the forum here.

Be positive, and remember who you are now. It is a strong person that is able to deal with any situation.

Thank you for all the support you have provided me. I hope to hear from you from time to time.

[pigskin]

Journaling:

One of the twins came in and overheard us and said to her, "you should have told him you were married, Mom, and for him to leave you alone." Wow, did that piss her off!

LOL! I LOVE it! That kid deserves a special treat. Even the youngster understands the sanctity of marriage...