stop apologizing though and stop telling her you love her, that's more less a form of pursuit, she doesn't want your apologies or to hear that you love her, she isn't going out of her way to apologize to you or tell you she loves you, take a clue from her playbook ;-)
I know, Rob. I fully expected a 2x4 from someone on that.
I found myself thinking that I didn't want to have this conversation again and if it really does go do divorce court from here, I wanted to make sure she knew I wasn't blaming all of this on her and that I did, in fact, still love her. It was the first time I told her that in eight months and I did not expect a reply from her. I didn't go overboard but I do realize I should not have said it.
no worries, you caught yourself so you know what you did, I think it's time to change your name to iunderstand, I think Steve alluded to that as well ;-)
I think you get the process now, you've experienced some personal growth through this entire process and that's a good thing, keep it going!
I make a motion we change his name to "iunderstand."
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I make a motion we change his name to "iunderstand."
Cheers
Thanks for the vote of confidence Coach, Steve and Rob, but I want to make sure I don't backslide from all of this. I think we have had similar conversations where I would do some things right and royaly screw up on others. I think this is as close as I've come to "nailing it". In a week or two, when I see the aftermath of this(and I still have to make up my mind if I should file)I may change my handle.
There is still much idontunderstand, but I am learning and slowly getting there.
one thing i know and can pass onto you and others is that you cannot quantify your existence through someone else.
You know, I didn't get married until I was 30. I lived a full life and did what I wanted when I wanted to. I tournament fished, hunted, rode four wheelers, play in a pool league, dart league, paint ball and others. I couldn't wait for the weekend to get here. I had some good friends, a couple of fairly steady girlfriends and dated when and if I wanted to. It was always FUN. And I was happy by myself.
I don't know if I mentioned it before or not, but I heard or read somewhere that life before kids is 10% work and 90% fun. After kids, just the opposite. I don't know if it's accurate or not, but it does take more work to have fun with little ones.
It's a hard lesson to relearn. We read it here all the time and it's so true. You are resposible for your happiness. Why does that become so hard to remember or figure out after you get married? Looking back from where I'm at now, it doesn't seem like it should be that hard to remember.
one thing i know and can pass onto you and others is that you cannot quantify your existence through someone else.
You know, I didn't get married until I was 30. I lived a full life and did what I wanted when I wanted to. I tournament fished, hunted, rode four wheelers, play in a pool league, dart league, paint ball and others. I couldn't wait for the weekend to get here. I had some good friends, a couple of fairly steady girlfriends and dated when and if I wanted to. It was always FUN. And I was happy by myself.
I don't know if I mentioned it before or not, but I heard or read somewhere that life before kids is 10% work and 90% fun. After kids, just the opposite. I don't know if it's accurate or not, but it does take more work to have fun with little ones.
It's a hard lesson to relearn. We read it here all the time and it's so true. You are resposible for your happiness. Why does that become so hard to remember or figure out after you get married? Looking back from where I'm at now, it doesn't seem like it should be that hard to remember.
Parallel again IDU. I didn't get married until I was 29. Although W and I were actually together since I was 20 and she 21. We didn't have kids until 32. We did a lot of fun things together and we went out all the time. I did a lot of the same things you did alone too. Fishing, hunting, Golf, etc. Most of the time she didn't even miss me because I would come back home around the time she was rolling out of bed and getting into the shower. About 10am!
Then we had kids and our fun time went down. I have read that marital satisfaction decreases significantly with children and more with each additional child. I still did some of my activities, but much less, but now she missed me, because the kids would get up early and I would be fishing or hunting or whatever. Not all the time mind you, but sometimes.
We didn't do much together anymore as a couple anymore either, only with the kids. Further she didn't go out by herself hardly at all. She used to complain about not getting to do stuff and I would say Plan something! Go out, do what you want. Let's get a babysitter, but we rarely did. I never turned down any request from her to do whatever she wanted. Now she says she couldn't because she couldn't leave the kids with me. More BS. Separation anxiety.
Like you, I accepted that life would be different with children and she seemed to also. But now, she seems like she thinks she missed half of her life and just wants to go out with her friends, without me, and party and talk to strange men. What the hell is up with that?
I had to take some time off and gather my thoughts. I've got some sh!tty decisions to make and I'm thinking things through.
I think it's time for a separation. When faced with the facts that this isn't going to be so easy and we will be friends and she has her automatic free babysitting service will no longer be her, maybe that will push her one way or the other. I've been bitching about limbo for so long but have really done very little to get myself out of it.
I did a little research and got some separation agreements on line. I understand there is no requirement for this for a trial separation, but I want it in writing that I am not abandoning my family(kids). She continues to refuse to leave. I have written out that I will leave the home on the nights that she doesn't have to work, she is home on Tues and Thurs, so I will leave Mon. and Wed. nights. She will leave the other nights and we will alternate weekends. She works every weekend so I'm sure that will piss her off. Oh, well. As far as bills, I will get my own checking acct and we will split things 50-50. I'm willing to negotiate a little on that since I make more than she does. On the days or weekends that we have the kids and want to go out or have a meeting or whatever, that person is responsible alone for childcare. We will split other childcare expenses if it is for work. I have put a time limit of no more that six months on the separation. If we have not come to a decision of reconciling or D, I will file myself.
Please let me know if I have left anything out or completely screwed anything up. I can't live like this anymore. It's up to her.
where will you guys go? How long can you both maintain 3 different living spaces? The family home, the place where you will go on specific days, the place where she will go on specific days?
Seems like a lot of work to me.
I wouldn't bother with the time limit on separation, you give a wayward a time limit, they'll use every minute of that time and ask for more on top of that.
Since she wants out of the marriage and relationship with you, just ask her to leave, plain & simple, tell her she can have a few weeks to find a new place and you can help her pack. It makes little sense to maintain 3 separate living spaces, plus the time line shows you're still attached to the outcome.
Let her go, offer to help her move out, she wants out of the relationship, she should be the one to find a new place, plain & simple. How she figures out the details on how she accomplishes this is not your problem to figure out anymore.
its called lifelong learning