SO I joined her. We had conversations and at one point I said ILY to W and W said in response "I hope so. ILY2 but it is hard for me to show it"
OIN,
I have read your thread, and I am glad that there has been some progress in your sitch. I believe that this is where the conversation should have ended that night. It seems that your W is overwhelmed by your situation. Try take cues like "it is hard for me to show it." She seemed to be having stress at that point.
Look for the times that W is ready to end the conversation. Just say "I know." Leave it at that.
I am happy for you and the good signs that are occurring for you and your W.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
He's got to get some reps in where she says ILY, and that they do more ML sessions. Start putting away the overly critical lense and enjoy her as she is allowing to do so.
Sex isn't everything especially in this case. Seriously I don't know where you get the idea that constant sex makes or breaks a relationship.
OIN, just keep showing her that the changes are real and rebuild the trust and intimacy. The sex is coming out naturally so just go with the flow. But not so much that she's going to feel like she needs to give you sex.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
For one thing if the other person is not ready for sex (and lots of it) then it comes across as neediness on OIN's part and could be a turnoff for his W.
"a successful relationship"
Again, this is NOT a successful relationship yet so you can't push the sex yet.
It seems like your answer to everything is lots of sex which is fine as long as the trust and intimacy is there. If not it's going to come off as being needy.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'm not trying to defend myself with the following responce.
On a Technical level. It is my belief that if a sexual-therapist had recommmended OIN and his wife a recipe of 30 days of physical intimacy, with very little communication over the timer period, that they are going to bridge a great many gaps in a very short period of time.
I do not think sex will rebuild our R. In the past W had told me that I was only nice to her during sex and after I made her feel like garbage. W also told me during our sitch that we got married for all the wrong reasons and I believe one of those reason was sex.
I have shown W and will continue to do so that I can simply hold her without expecting to have sex.
Since my last post...
W woke up in the middle of the night and asked me what time it was. I was up in bed having trouble sleeping. I had a long day a head of me today (court all day and work tonight). W had apologized to me for falling to sleep due to her headache. I told W that "there is no need to be sorry I understand your head hurts you and you need your rest"
W and I both fell to sleep. This morning I got up and ready for court. W woke up briefly and ask if I had time to make her breakfast before I left, I had time so I did so. W was in bed when I left, I let W know I was leaving and W said "be careful"
When I returned home later this morning W was up and in the shower. I had fell to sleep during this time. W had Dr. appt for migraines so she got ready and left. I had woke back up and headed back to court on another case. On my way into court W was leaving the Dr. W said she was prescribed a new medication. W said she told the Dr. that "My husband and I want to start a family how would these medications affect a pregnancy" I just listened and said "I hope these new meds work and the headaches finally go away."
Just before W had called I got an email from the retrouvaille rep in our area. I told W the details of the email and said to W "I am going to put a deposit in to hold a spot for us, I really believe we can benefit from going and will be well worth it" W said "I hope so." We ended the conversation with an exchange of ILY.
The question is...Should I not be saying ILY? is that too much pressure? W does say it in return but does no initiate.
When I returned home form work again W was in the kitchen, I walked over to her and gave her a hug. W showed me what she had purchased while she was out (some floral arrangements) I told W how great the arrangements looked and expressed how she has great design sense.
W seems very mopey or withdrawn at times. My instinct is to ask her if there is anything wrong but at the same time I don't want to pressure/overwhelm her...
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
If she's been saying ILY, I don't see there being any problems with you saying it. Keep going slow and steady. SHOW her you understand through your actions. Actions speak louder than words.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You're doing great here! You know that I am pleased that you slipped that Retrouvaille thing in there. It will be worth it.
As for the ILY's. Try to keep it comfortable. If she says it first, definitely say it back. Other times, maybe say it with your eyes. There are so many ways to say ILY, sometimes those other ways mean more than just the 3 little words.
W had apologized to me for falling to sleep due to her headache. I told W that "there is no need to be sorry I understand your head hurts you and you need your rest"
Do NOT say "there is no need to be sorry"..
The better reply to her is.."Oh that's ok honey, I know your head hurts and you need your rest"
Quote:
This morning I got up and ready for court. W woke up briefly and ask if I had time to make her breakfast before I left, I had time so I did so. W was in bed when I left, I let W know I was leaving and W said "be careful"
Perfect. BE A HAPPY MAN.. This was all good. She asked you to make breakfast, you had time, you made breakfast, you let her know you were leaving (HAPPILY I HOPE) and she said be careful.... This shows things are moving right along. BE A HAPPY MAN...
Quote:
W said she told the Dr. that "My husband and I want to start a family how would these medications affect a pregnancy" I just listened and said "I hope these new meds work and the headaches finally go away."
This should continue to make you A HAPPY MAN. She is WANTING TO HAVE A BABY WITH YOU.. (get it?? women don't normally want to have a baby with men they don't love or are going to leave...)
Quote:
Just before W had called I got an email from the retrouvaille rep in our area. I told W the details of the email and said to W "I am going to put a deposit in to hold a spot for us, I really believe we can benefit from going and will be well worth it" W said "I hope so." We ended the conversation with an exchange of ILY.
EXCELLENT AGAIN.... This should again keep you being A HAPPY MAN.. I love the way you said this part here " I am going to put a deposit in to hold a spot for us, I really believe we can benefit from going and will be well worth it"
THAT is the way you take charge and tell a woman things. "I decided" type of attitude.. Good job. Notice how she just went along with it.. be the leader.. be a HAPPY LEADER. BE A HAPPY MAN..
Quote:
The question is...Should I not be saying ILY? is that too much pressure? W does say it in return but does no initiate.
MY question is.. WHY are you saying it.. To get her to say it back or to find out IF she loves you? To hear her say it back? That is the way it is coming across to me. Women can sense when you have lack of confidence when you say things like that. AND you Do LACK CONFIDENCE.. Which means it is coming across to her as.... "please say it back to me, oh please tell me you love me too.. I love you I love you, do you love me back?"
NOT GOOD...
IF you are going to say it THEN be a man about it(my concern is that you will go ovwerboard because you are so needy. I hate telling you it is ok to say it because of that need you seem to have for constant reassurance that she loves you)..Be A HAPPY MAN and say it like you mean it and say it whether she says it back or not. She has TOLD you she loves you and always has. Isn't part of trusting, believing what she is telling you? Then BELIEVE HER. Stop being unhappy and start to be A HAPPY MAN... You should be thrilled the way things are going and you still seem like a sad sack with no goals or passion about something other than obsessing about your wife. No wonder she feels smothered. You seem to think her being at the Dr for an hour is time apart... Not good to think like that.
