I am very frustrated this morning and I think I need a new plan of action. I thought I’d made progress, but I guess not! I haven’t gotten any responses lately and I truly need some help! I don’t care if it’s by way of 2x4’s telling me I’ve done everything wrong! I need advice before I go crazy!
H and I had a conversation about 2am this morning as a result of neither of us being able to sleep. I guess I allowed myself to be baited after he asked what I was thinking about and I commented I was frustrated; that it didn’t feel good to have your spouse trying to constantly get away from you. Now, keep in mind that I THOUGHT we were supposed to be working on the R. I thought wrong. His comments were that while we are legally married, he does not feel emotionally married to me. That he feels nothing for me. Then he said that he is pretty confident this won’t work out, “but he could be wrong.” I expressed my dissatisfaction of thinking we were working on M only to find him retreating worse into his own world. Told him he was waiting on feelings but actions have to be taken to bring back those feelings. He scoffed.
I did a good job of staying calm; didn’t cry. I commented that he had said he would go to counseling and to the retreat weekend, but he only went to counseling once. He said he did not feel it would do any good. Said he would go on the weekend (similar to Retrovaille ?) if it would make me feel better. ???
I told H that I felt he was not being honest. Said I truly feel he is involved somehow with another woman – emotionally. That texting/emailing/calling someone else was not right. Of course he denied there being anyone but did say he’d talked with several friends – both male and female about our situation.
It truly seems that H’s intentions are to stay with me in this roommate type relationship until he is ready to make his move and leave. I think he likes staying because he still gets to be the good guy and doesn’t want to hurt the kids. I think he figures he can hang in with things as is until the youngest is out of school in 4 years. He even said he wanted me to finish my education and for me to “be ok physically and mentally”
He made the comment that he doesn’t know why I want to stay with him. I felt like telling him I probably shouldn’t want to! I just said I made a commitment before God 20 years ago…and that I felt our family was worth fighting for. He said maybe I was just afraid of not finding someone else. I told him I was not afraid of that at all and I wasn’t afraid of being alone either! He said that was good. :-/
We discussed sex and I stated I was no longer up for “just sex”. That it was cold and lonely and it might feel good short term but if there is no true commitment to this R (and I thought there was, previously) I could no longer engage in that.
So, I think I covered the conversation pretty well. It ended and I went back to bed and he followed shortly. So guess what? He then proceeded to put his arm around me and kiss me… talk about mixed messages!
I just don’t know what to do at this point. I am so close to just telling him if he really wants out, to just go. I don’t think I can live in a marriage like this for several years while he bides his time. It’s so hard to live with him and him be so detached. I don’t care if it’s because of someone else or what the reason…I can’t live this way! I deserve love and true commitment.
I feel totally mixed up because he has messed up my game with leading me to believe we were working things out. What do I do now? Let go? DB? Try to catch him in the A (assuming there is one) and expose??? The sad part is, I think if there is not OW then he truly does not love me and there is no hope – that it’s not just someone else drawing his attention away. Is that crazy to think that?
1. Discussing his marital problems with female friends in private is how affairs start. 2. If he is willing to discuss his marital problems he should be doing it with someone who is willing to help. 3. Going to family therapy ONE TIME is NOT going to accomplish anything... Why didn't you call him on that?
He's already admitted an EA without saying it.
a. He's talking in private b. He's talking about his marriage problems c. He's talking with a female
That's it in a nutshell... the "i love you's" and the "you are so sexy" isn't far behind that setup if it has'nt already come out of him already
He's HIDING the phone. That's a HUGE RED LIGHT
I would also call him on the privacy
If you intend on living in this home we need to stop hiding things from one another.
Also call him on talking about the marriage to his friends
It is embarassing to ME for you to discuss OUR marriage problems with YOUR FRIENDs.. and in PRIVATE so I don't even know what you are saying.
If you are giong to discuss the problem it should b with a licensed professional who hears MY thoguhts and feelings to so they can better HELP the situation.
What YOU are doing is more DAMAGE.
If you want to talk then talk to the FT. The reason it didn't help YOU is because YOU only went once and are giong to yoru FRIENDS INSTEAD.
Your friends aren't trained to HELP you, they are just giong to sympathize.
Your friends don't talk to ME for a COMPLETE picture.
You aren't doing the family therapy PROPERLY so you are just wasting money. Go and do it PROPERLY please.
So, should I send him an email with these things listed today? Should I wait and discuss it in person tonight? Or...should I wait and see if he brings anything up first?
I would rather do it by email because I can get some feedback first and won't get emotional doing so. Right now I'm pretty emotional. I've been pretty strong but it is hitting me very hard today.
I think maybe you should wait a day if you are emotional about it. It could provide you sometime to think through your options a little clearer. Do not rush yourself and cause yourself additional emotional stress.
You will be okay. Have the courage to do what you need to do. I have to tell myself this all the time. It does help.
I am "rooting" for you everyday.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Ah... OK, if you read that you won't want him talking to females about his marital problems in secret anymore... Glass makes a very strong case against it in the text
He needs to read Not Just Friends... he's already wayward and haveing intimate private chats with women...
Do ou KNOW these women?
I would be confronting them and telling them they have no business offering YOUR HUSBAND private consults about YOUR marital problems... I would tell them he HAS a family therapist and ANYONE ELSE offering an ear or advice right now is CONTAMINATING THAT and NOT HELPING the MARRIAGE
