Going dark. Shall grovel for advice/update as events unfold. started today without jumping to answer each and every request. W cleaned house like a mad person yesterday for the first time in...well a long time.
I think she wanted to look good before I left. She is going away for the weekend and will be back Monday. All but a few small items will be out by then, and hopefully I will have made my new little house something of a home.
I am currently taking my entire check and getting it out of the new acct. it is direct deposited in and putting it in the joint acct. This is going to cease as well and will no doubt cause friction, but I have to have money to live. I will still be putting most of it in there so we shall see what happens.
Yeah - the nights are hard. I actually used to find the 4am wake-ups the hardest ... when you just can't go back to sleep.
Keep at it friend. This is a tough road and it's true that the pain you are feeling now is at times unbearable. Trust us though, it does go away. Slowly, silently, one day you'll wake up and life is good again. It will happen.
You are right to protect yourself and your children. That's the most important gift you can give yourself right now. It will cause some tension with your wife - but so what? It's time someone else in the family caused a bit of tension, hey?
take care
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
As I said the last time you were here – are situations are very similar.
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I know many of you will be disappointed as I have back slid from a couple months ago when I was on
Dude I am not disappointed. We all arrive here and think we are different. Think…nah…not me…I can do this. Then….we realize….holly sh*t this is really happening to me. Holly cra* this stuff does take a long time. Holly…holly…holly…she just may not come out of it. WTF do I do.
You coming back is quite normal dude. Let me give you another secret. In a few days/weeks/months…you will be saying your done when you really are not. Trust me. You can ship me a bottle of sapphire when it happens.
My first piece of advice to you – do not commitment to anything right now. Right now it is soooooo important that you keep your mouth shut or as we say in these necks of the woods…sit back and pour yourself the biggest glass of STFU. I cannot stress this enough. Pour it straight up dude. No ice.
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Every other thing she does just makes no sense and comes at a cost to everyone but her.
Welcome to the world of MLC. Get very familiar with the word “entitlement”. Very familiar.
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Only advice my wife is getting is from the OM.
OM is NOT the problem BUT you can’t see that right now – cause your probably pissed the f off, which is normal. I will say it again OM is NOT the problem. Right now in HER mind he represents everything that YOU do not. He is the fixer. He is her “soul mate”, he “get’s her” and you…well your just there. You a familiar thing in the background – someone that yeah she loves but “feels” that she is not in love with anymore. It sucks dude – it does. The faster you can get a hold of this concept the faster YOU can begin YOUR journey.
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she asked if I had ever slept with the woman who was her Maid of Honor.
Know why she asked? Cause…she needs this justification so that she can justify HER actions.
So just know that every word you have ever uttered, everything you have EVER done wrong is in the forefront of her mind. NOTHING and I repeat NOTHING that you do can change it right now. NOTHING.
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We have to get to work on Stilt.
Think about this ^^^^^ think about this please! AND what this means is this….
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You are going to work on being the man YOU want to be. And if that happens to be the kind of man she wants, then great
So how do we begin the work on you….first off…..
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You HAVE to detach.
Because….
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She doesn't want this right now.
Why do I say this…..Because….
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Right now your ex doesn't really care what's best for you, but rather how it will affect her. Those tears were most likely selfish tears. If she cared, she wouldn't sit there texting another man.
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I think the entire point is that I cannot worry any longer about what she thinks.
YES…YES…YES….It is about YOU. The hard part is doing what you need to do in love and not in anger. It is hard but it can be done. You may question yourself a bunch of time before you are about to do something. That’s normal. It is a natural check that we all should do. Take your time before you make any decisions about things and make sure 1) it is WHAT YOU WANT 2) Is in the best interest of the children 3) is not an attempt to “manipulate”, “guilt”, “force” her to do something that YOU want. In other words, do not do what I did, which was…well if I do this maybe she will see that I have changed. Or my favorite….If I do this maybe she come back to me.
Still – I am sorry to say that while there is another person in the picture it is VERY hard for her to see anything you do. Nothing. She must first get over the OP and then maybe…just maybe..she will turn her attention to you. That should not be your focus right now…Right now you need to get over the anger, get over the feeling of being tossed aside and finally you need to heal.
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I simply cannot see staying as a healthy option for me.
What about the kids? What is in their best interest? I am not suggesting that you stay. I am only saying that if you leave what does this mean in a court of law and how will that effect your time with the kids. Another thing to consider…are you leaving hoping that she will see that you have left and deep down inside you feel like she will “miss you”. If you are doing things like this they are tricks, they are games. Games my friend do not work.
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but then she hit me with a trembly lip and near tear eyes when I talked of leaving
Oh….mine did something similar….when I found out about OM#1..I said I would file. He response “what are you quiting already”. IMO, they know what buttons to push. They now how to control the sitch. This is why it is so important for you to detach.
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I screwed up today outrageously, and just do not know how to handle it. If wife says something about it I do not know what to say, and if she does NOT say anything about it I do not know what to do.
This is a tough one dude. If you say something to her well then she has to deal with the guilt that you know and trust me she will think if YOU know then others know so it may back her into a corner. If you do not say anything then she will think you are holding back and it may come across as you are lying. IMO – I would just listen if she says anything. I would answer if asked..something like “Is there something that YOU want to discuss – if so I am hear to listen”.
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That meant backing away and giving myself the space I needed to get stronger.
This ^^^^^ is Detachment.
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I also told my wife that I need to move out sooner than later. I told her it was no good for me and that I would be sure to give her more than the 28% she will be getting when things are final so that she can get settled, but that I needed my own money in order to survive.
Still – you may not want to hear this. What I see in this statement is you are looking for HER approval. You are hoping that she sees that you are being fair and kind and being a man. Know what – talking to her will mean nothing! You need to just act. Right now she does not really give a shi* about what you need. You think she does but trust me – she doesn’t. Hopefully I am not coming across as angry. BUT I have been where you are. Have done the SAME things. Trust me. Shut up now…don’t commit to a thing.
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She said we should keep going like we are for now
Yeah it make sense for HER. What make sense for YOU. It seems to me like you are throwing yourself on the sword for her hoping that she will interpret that as change. True change Still will come when YOU decided that YOU want to change for YOU. Not when you change for her hoping for some sort of outcome that is in YOUR favor.
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She wants the house, but does not want my 401-K or pension, and only child support, which I would be giving anyway.
That’s what she says now. Has she seen a L? If not, then expect that you may be asked for more. I hope not. In my sitch…it started with…E just pay down the debt, I want no alimony, I want us to be friends, there is no one in my life, etc. etc. I hope and pray that your sitch is different. What I can tell you is that NOW she wants everything. So be careful. As the saying goes in MLC. Believe NONE of what you hear and half of what you see. Be careful dude.
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do not care if I end up in a box if it gets her back to me.
Be careful what you wish for dude.
Still I soooo know where you are right now. I have been there. Trust me I have. Look man…the focus should be on detachment. I personally would not leave the house. Let me ask you a few more questions…
1) What do you see your life with the kids like? How often do you want to see them? 2) Have you seen a L yet? 3) What example do you want to set for your kids? 4) What books have you read lately? 5) What do YOU really want for YOU? 6) What dreams do you have? Ones that do not include her.
Dude – I suggest that you go look up some of my old threads…
Here is my first post…http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45463&Number=1915002#Post1915002
Look man…I am really trying to help you. I made so many f’in mistakes it was not even funny.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric, I cannot tell you how much it means to have someone who has BTDT in my corner.
Talked to L about leaving and he said no problem. No abandonment or such in IL.
I left Sunday and yes admittedly there was a bit of "I hope this kicks her in the shins a bit and wakes her up." in the back of my mind, but I tried to push that down as best I could. My main reason was that my couselor and a couple good friends told me I needed to get out now.
I have a pretty big mouth and am an emotional guy. Luckily I have kept my full breakdown blubbering sessions to myself and friends and not allowed W to witness that drama. Both counselor and friends agreed that to have her sitting 5 feet away texting OM was not healthy for me or good for my big helping of STFU.
Getting information to lawyers to draw up today and should be ready for her approval by the end of the week. My lawyer (free through work) then sends it in with W being pro-se (sp?) and in two months give or take...adios old marriage.
Kids sitch is good...considering everything. Tonight wife works late so I can go to her house and sit with them, have dinner, hang out, share a Gino's East (tradition of daughter and me)or whatever. Then around 30 min before wife arrival I head on home and hit the sack. I will be picking them up on school days and have my own weekends plus the weekends that wife works, which in retail are many.
I would say that a part of her current self thinks the kids are a bit of a hassle as well, but hey that works out great for me. I just have to be sure she does not turn them into her chore slaves now that I am gone.
Why did you leave dude. She wants the D - let her pack her [censored] and go. It is tough to remain in the house. I know first HAND BUT it can be done.
Now that you are gone, you need to really detach and focus on you. You are going to go through so many emotions it's not funny. Anger, grief, sorrow, depression, etc. As much as you may not want to feel these you must. You must in order for YOU to move FORWARD (notice I did not say move ON).
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bit of "I hope this kicks her in the shins a bit and wakes her up." in the back of my mind,
First off, your W is probably not stupid. She may have already had a plan in place if and when you left. So the hoping it kicks her statement is just wasted energy IMO. It show that you do have some anger BUT it also shows that you have not detached yet.
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but I tried to push that down as best I could
Suppress anger become DEPRESSION. You have every right to be pissed off dude. You MUST find an outlet to let it out. Otherwise, trust me it will come out and it will come out directed at HER. BEEN there done that. As much as it may feel good to let it rip....give her a piece of your mind it really serves no purpose but to harm YOU. That's right - it will hurt YOU. You see, she has already detached. She is already gone emotionally. Probably left a long time ago. You have not. You were just hit with a brick and your spinning right now. So the anger that you have and that may come out would only go to "validate" why she is leaving you.
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My main reason was that my couselor and a couple good friends told me I needed to get out now.
Do you always do what your friends tell you to do? Just asking. Did you really want to leave? Did YOU want to leave the kids there? Do you want to go over when she is at work and sit in the house that you probably pay for to spend time with your kids only to go home by yourself? Is this really what you wanted? Seriously dude - I had to tell my friends to F' off. Yeah, they love me, yeah they do not want to see me hurt BUT THEY DO NOT LIVE MY LIFE - I do.
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I have a pretty big mouth and am an emotional guy.
So do I - Guess what YOU better get a handle on this NOW. Let me repeat...YOU BETTER GET A HANDLE ON THIS NOW. Oh...let me repeat....YOU BETTER GET A HANDLE ON THIS NOW.
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Getting information to lawyers to draw up today and should be ready for her approval by the end of the week.
What happen to all the...i love this women...I want her back...I will wait forever stuff? Why are YOU pushing the D? Is this what YOU want? I bet not. I am almost sure that you do not want the D.
Still - I am going to be straight with you dude - YOUR NOT READY FOR A D. Your not. You think you are but trust me your not. Know what you are?
PISSED THE F OFF cause your W may be popping someone else. Yep. I know this feeling very well. Oh....the anger...how it consumes you. You probably spend your days thinking about what he looks like, does he make as much money as you, shi* does he have a bigger...well you get my point. I know man.. I have been there.
Still - your not ready. Hold off on the D for now. Sit back and let her drive for a bit. She wants the D - well then let her do the work. She want's this...let her own it. "Own it" what does that mean. It means that SHE will need to be responsible for the fall out of this D. She will need to own it. She will need to look in the mirror one day and ask herself the same question that you MUST ask yourself right now....."did i live up to my vows...did I really do the work...did i give it all I had...or did I quit cause I was a fuc*ing coward. I was too afraid to look at myself...I was so easy to run"..
Still, ask yourself these questions, ask yourself and don't answer ME, answer yourself cause it is YOUR LIFE.
Gotta go make breakfast for my D, I'll be back a little later.
Oh....one other point I want to leave you with...You know "US" big mouth emotional people. Often we fuc* things up because we never seem to keep our mouths shut. It is usually a sign of control. Control at it's root is based in FEAR and INSECURITY. The real test of a man is the ability to keep his MOUTH SHUT and let his actions do the talking. So dude, what kind of man do YOU want to be?
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Here now E. Comp time limited to work hours. 6am CST to 2pm.
If my W is gone and I want to let her go (detach) isn't keeping myself in the picture and forcing things to get messy and her to do them a tactic of sorts.
Hell yes I want to be around my kids as much as possible. I want to be there when the little things are going on and know when the thunder comes that I will be the one they come to...for another year or so anyway...
Listening to my gut has gotten me a swift kick to the snardlies thus far. her detaching I thought was midlife dilemma and decided just to give her space...all the while she was detaching and drifting farther away...Not listening to it when I knew in my heart there was someone else cost me too. I think a big part of it all is that I DO NOT TRUST my own judgement anymore.
If I listened to my gut right now I would have stayed home today and read a book to escape and wasted a vacation day that could have been spent with my kids.
I am so effing fustrated and tired and clueless that these things I once thought no brainers are cause for indecision. I want to fight her at every turn and make her journey down this path as slow and worrisome as possible. My W has NEVER liked confrontation and I would love to make this one big confrontation, but isn't that a detriment to my cause? I know things are supposed to be me me me and the kids, but how do I tell them that when I had a chance to see them all the time I decided to fight for the house ect and risked losing the time with them?
Right now wife works a minimum of 2/3 closes a week and other days is not home until 6:30. That gives me all the home from school time, dinner, and late night til 10ish (when I am ready for bed anyway)on the close days and weekends as well when she works them, which is often added to my own weekend time.
It is unfortunate that men have to face the reality that women have one of their rare leg-ups on us in the preferential treatment they recieve in court. ALSO- my kids are of age at 13 and 14 in my state so they could be asked to chose a parent. I would never want to put such a burden on their shoulders.
I go over and over all this every day as things progress and part of the fustration IS wondering if I am not putting up the fight I should. I fight a seemingly unending battle within myself every day over the whole mess.
Show her the evidence/ don't show her the evidence. I see some folks contacting the OM or the OM's W...should I go there? Should I plant myself down on our bed, tell her I bought it, I planted every effing tree, bush, flower in what was once a moonscape of a yard? Should I say while other guys were out drinking it up and buying new Mustang GTs, that I was coaching BBall and taking kids here and there and going to school full time to make our futures better and that if she thinks I am goiung anywhere she is out of her flippin mind?
I get many GREAT and HELPFUL people who I have more thanks for than they can know trying to help me here and saying do what I want to do-what's good for me...Problem is I have no damn clue what that is right now.
Got rambly there, but as I have said DB is so theraputic for me that I do use it as a sounding board for my thoughts and have the outstanding added bonus of all these people taking time out of their days to help me try to walk this path.
I want to fight her at every turn and make her journey down this path as slow and worrisome as possible.
In your wife's shoes, I'd sure be re-thinking why I wanted to leave if you did this. ; )
The right thing to do in MLC is often to STFU. Google it if you have to.
Look until your emotion isn't written all over your face or...in this case your writing, you're best to stay away from R talks. Until YOU control your emotion and reaction, and not the other way around...the best advice I can give you is not to engage her. You can only control yourself...and right now you need to learn HOW to control yourself.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
