The saga continues

[gucci loafer]

OIN,

Things are moving very nicely in your direction. Very nicely.

One thing,
You NEED to change your view on having a baby. This is typical of you. Your wife is telling you what she wants and then you typically find a negative in it. It is obvious why she is where she is at emotionally with things like this that you STILL do. You are still insisting on getting YOUR way. That is selfish. Why not just get excited about having children together? Why do you always want to ruin her dreams with finding the negative in it? Stop doing that. Your wife is right. If it happens then you will deal with it at that time. OIN, there are NO GUARANTEES in life. Stop this negative outlook when she says something good. If she says black your first reaction is to say "well I am not so sure about black. Learn to enjoy what SHE is dreaming about. My god man, she is talking about having YOUR baby and you are negative nellie. STop that. You are pushing this where, when she says it isn't working that she is going to say "well I wanted a baby and you never did and I am not waiting around for a man who thinks that way. Then suddenly you will want to be Mr. Dad and tell her how much you really do want a baby.. Quit being silly

She wants to go on vacation and you immediately start talking about how you can't afford it. She wants to talk about having children and you immediately take the oppostie view and. These things turn women off. Did you hear that? That turns women OFF.

I am wondering if you are so controlling and obsessed with her that you don't want a baby because it would take time and her attention from you. Wise up

[OfficerInNeed]

Gucci,
You are right. I always seem to go against the grain. When our sitch began and for the past 7 months I regretted never starting a family with my W. My W always talked about having children one day (soon) and I always had reasons (excuses) why not to.

Now that my W has given us that second chance and is talking about once again US starting a family I start my doubting. Many things go through my head such as finances, the current state of our R...it is a like a whirlwind. I get so caught up that I fail to see the pure joy it would be to start a family with my W.

I WILL change my tune. I WANT the same things my W does, I worry about the logistics rather than letting things just be. I will just let them be from now on.

I thank you for you insight and advice.

I am also a nit wit and I am ruining our chances (keep reading)

W came home from work and was in a bad mood. I greeted W with a welcoming "Hi" and W responded with "Hi" but sounded as if I had forced it out of her. Instinctively I asked my W is she was OK and she simply replied "fine."

W then showed me a couple pics on her cellphone she took of our dog as she walked in the door. W then went on to tell me how a female co-worker and her got into a conversation a show that my W and I are going to on July 29th and coincidentally so is the female co-worker. My W thought it was funny and so I expressed I I too thought it was amusing.

After, W went and changed out of her work clothes and came to lay in bed. W laid in bed with her back turned toward me and was distant (in space). I questioned W why she was so far away (mistake) after a day we had like yesterday. W got upset and said "Just because we 'did that' does not mean were going to do it everyday, I can't just jump in a pool of happiness, it is going to take time."

I guess at that point I questioned why she would consider starting a family with me is things between us are not so great (HUGE MISTAKE).

W said "Nothing is going to be like it was" I told W "I understand that and I agree, I don't want things to be like they were" then I went on to say "I think we should establish better communication between each other, it is OK for a H/W to tell the other what it is they want or need..." then I went on to say (which I probably should not had) "...what is it you want from me" and W replied "To feel loved and feel like I am everything"

Not sure how to respond. I create my own problems. If I did not try to read into her mood when she came home and just let her figure things out for herself it would never had resulted in that conversation. WOW.

Then I read Gucci's post and wanted to kick myself. I know you all told me this and are becoming frustrated me ( I can only imagine how my W feels) and I apologize, please bare with me. I GET IT (you have my word). Thank you for all the help and guidance.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Gucci,

I agree with you that OIN should be FAR more positive (and less paternal, too, btw) around his wife.

I also think there's no way in Hell they should be having a baby yet at this tender stage of their reconcilation. Just a few weeks ago several of us were seriously wondering if his wife has serious mental health issues (to go with all of her physical health issues). I still hold this view.

This doesn't mean he needs to throw WATER on it when she brings it up -- he can artfully dodge with a "I would like to eventually have children, too; let's just take this slow and steady, okay?" -- but that would be it, in my opinion.

I've followed his sitch from the start, and I'm in agreement with everything you've been coaching here -- 'cept for the baby part.

Which, OIN, begs the question and I'm sorry to be so personal, but it's certainly germane to the topic at hand:

Was this protected, or UN-protected sex your wife and you had?

Puppy

[OfficerInNeed]

Which, OIN, begs the question and I'm sorry to be so personal, but it's certainly germane to the topic at hand:

Was this protected, or UN-protected sex your wife and you had? confused

The latter.

[eeyore_no_more]

W said "Nothing is going to be like it was" I told W "I understand that and I agree, I don't want things to be like they were" then I went on to say "I think we should establish better communication between each other, it is OK for a H/W to tell the other what it is they want or need..." then I went on to say (which I probably should not had) "...what is it you want from me" and W replied "To feel loved and feel like I am everything"

OIN, I'm a little confused. If the conversation went down like you wrote, you should be doing backflips. You asked her what she needed, and she told you. No arguments or blame, just what she needed to feel loved.

Listen, really listen to what she's saying. What is her love language, and do you know how to speak it? She WANTS you to meet her needs. You're on the right path. You CAN do this.

(And to think, they call ME Eeyore... )

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Now here is the thing. W is so set on starting a family and I am set on building a healthy loving R/M. I cannot imagine bringing a child into a situation or state our marriage is currently in.

But yet, you have unprotected intercourse with her.


Oy, vey.


Puppy

[OfficerInNeed]

Now here is the thing. W is so set on starting a family and I am set on building a healthy loving R/M. I cannot imagine bringing a child into a situation or state our marriage is currently in.

But yet, you have unprotected intercourse with her.


Oy, vey.


Puppy

Yes . It just happened (the love making part). W said and I quote (getting a little personal here) "Just let it happen"

W is set on starting a family. She truly wants 'this' to be reality. I tried to speak logic. I certainly wanted/still want to seek relationship help W agreed but has not got on board with anything yet. I also told W if we were going to start family in the near future it would be best we go to parenting classes, W agreed and she actually did a little research for such programs in our area but nothing more.

I always had excuses as to why we could not have children in the past while she wanted to. From school, work to finances I continues to tell her that now is not the time. It then got to a point where I started to use her physical appearance as an excuse not to have children (I became a terrible person). So when I tell her now that I want to just not right now she thinks of me as being OIN of the past.

[OfficerInNeed]

W said "Nothing is going to be like it was" I told W "I understand that and I agree, I don't want things to be like they were" then I went on to say "I think we should establish better communication between each other, it is OK for a H/W to tell the other what it is they want or need..." then I went on to say (which I probably should not had) "...what is it you want from me" and W replied "To feel loved and feel like I am everything"

OIN, I'm a little confused. If the conversation went down like you wrote, you should be doing backflips. You asked her what she needed, and she told you. No arguments or blame, just what she needed to feel loved.

Listen, really listen to what she's saying. What is her love language, and do you know how to speak it? She WANTS you to meet her needs. You're on the right path. You CAN do this.

(And to think, they call ME Eeyore... )

Those are the words we exchanged but it tone of our voices were not as pleasant...

I don't know W's love language I read the 5LL book twice and even asked W "Thinking back, is there a time where I did or said something that truly made you feel loved by me" W did not/still has not answered the question. I think this is where the tension stems from...I feel as if my efforts have no impact or in other words I am speaking the wrong LL and cannot find the right one.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I always had excuses as to why we could not have children in the past while she wanted to. From school, work to finances I continues to tell her that now is not the time. It then got to a point where I started to use her physical appearance as an excuse not to have children (I became a terrible person). So when I tell her now that I want to just not right now she thinks of me as being OIN of the past.

Oh please. This is different and she KNOWS it is; she's not STUPID, Officer. Less than a month ago she was openly wanting to divorce you. There are all kind of DBing topics we debate around here, with all kinds of views. I can only think of maybe THREE that are near-unanimous:

1. Don't move out of your own marital bed, or your own home.

2. It never hurts to get a good legal consultation.

3. Don't intentionally add a baby to the mix when you're still in the crisis stage of DBing, or still tender in the reconcilation process.

Puppy

[Lotus]

You want parenting classes? And she hasn't gone far enough in getting them? It's up to her? Why? Are you part of this relationship, or do you just observe and report to us here? You want to heal the relationship, then find MC or a Retrouvaille weekend and tell her, "We need to do this. Let's sign up." You want parenting class, then find it and sign up. You've been told to lead, but all you do is observe and complain.