In my experience, if you drop talking about a plan to improve the marriage, such as going to a MC or going to a Retrouvaille weekend (and there are a lot of summer weekends out there this month and next), then nothing happens. To get change, you have to make change. And the opposite is also true, if nothing changes, then everything stays the same. And if everything stays the same, then this time period of goodwill is likely to wear off and you go back to where you were before. Some say that a happy marriage is falling in love with the same person over and over again. That is because the "in love" feeling does not just last.
You are no longer in the affair stage of this relationship, you are now in the piecing phase. You don't act the same in piecing as you do in trying to end an affair. You do have to take steps to heal the marriage, more than just day-to-day getting along. Because things will happen and you will lapse into old patterns. You need to actively change the patterns in a determined way, preferably led by someone who has experience doing this successfully.
I learned in my last situation, the "in love" feeling can last. You mess it up. You mess it up when you get too much into yourself, it can be you or the relationship partner.
I just wanted to say that all the advice that I've seen on these forums have been a kick in the ass for me.
Last night, I think I finally decided to stop being kicked! Went and stood in front of the mirror for like an hour and seriously looked at myself, NOT the relationship. Pretty much told myself off. I DID NOT LIKE WHAT I WAS LOOKING AT! I've somehow became a slave to my desires and feelings, let myself go, and really have just become a co-dependant jackass with no self control.
This is not the me that my Wife fell in love with or what any of my previous girlfriends were attracted too. Sad to say but I have become the Feminine one and have strangled any resemblence of being a man. I'm done!
I'm going to improve ME for ME only and take this whole situation as a learning experience. If it's meant for my Wife and I to re-unite in the future, it'll happen, but if it doesn't at least I will be a man again.
I just wanted to say that all the advice that I've seen on these forums have been a kick in the ass for me.
Last night, I think I finally decided to stop being kicked! Went and stood in front of the mirror for like an hour and seriously looked at myself, NOT the relationship. Pretty much told myself off. I DID NOT LIKE WHAT I WAS LOOKING AT! I've somehow became a slave to my desires and feelings, let myself go, and really have just become a co-dependant jackass with no self control.
This is not the me that my Wife fell in love with or what any of my previous girlfriends were attracted too. Sad to say but I have become the Feminine one and have strangled any resemblence of being a man. I'm done!
I'm going to improve ME for ME only and take this whole situation as a learning experience. If it's meant for my Wife and I to re-unite in the future, it'll happen, but if it doesn't at least I will be a man again.
Sometimes we have to do some "bad" things to get it back. Look at the 'robx' and 'gucci' postings for the method to the madness. The 'QuickSilver264' thread shows a man who was a "stud", who got demasculated and she's leaving him like he's a bad dream. Reading his words is inspiring, because I know he's a stud.
W and I had intercourse for the first time in 7 months yesterday (Friday). During this time W had said ILY... since then W has not said it.
After W had told me how she had (loved me) throughout our sitch and she had said some terrible things to protect herself. W then made a comparison of the past 7 months to the past 10 years.
I wanted to speak up about some things that were said that I felt were entirely out of line and also the EA but I did not, I just let it go.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Do not worry about the ILYs....they will come. She is still protecting her heart.
Just let her talk....do not smother her....she is trying to come to terms with sitch in her own head.
If you feel you have to let off 'steam' about what you think she 'should have' said, come here.
WAY TO GO BUDDY!!!
Enjoy the week-end!
gg~
M55 H55 my D31 H D30 1st met her when she was 25 M 22yrs...2nd for me, 1st for H OW 2005 mother of H daughter, came back to introduce D 1bomb 6/05 2bomb 7/08 3bomb 2/10 moved up north
During this time W had said ILY... since then W has not said it.
Are you saying she said she loved you Friday when having intercourse? Do you you mean she hasn't said I love you since then?
Quote:
I wanted to speak up about some things that were said that I felt were entirely out of line and also the EA but I did not, I just let it go.
Again. Please clarify. What things were said that you wanted to speak up about?
OIN, if you want us to help you need to be a bit more specific. You make statements that are vague and leave me having to pull things out of you. Letting things go like you say you did may or may not have been the correct way to go about this. Don't believe for one second that a person trying to save their relationship has to let things go when the other spouse is ripping you to shreds again and again. That is why you need to be more specific to us.
Ok. I believe you may be slowly missing out on a great opportunity here and if you don't get a grasp on some of the things that could be helping you even more, then you are never going to be totally happy..
LEARN TO BE A HAPPY MAN..
Your wife is EXCITED and looking forward to your vacation. THAT is an opportunity for you to connect with her deeper emotionally. Instead of focusing on how you can do that, you are still focused on "poor poor me, poor me this and poor me that" That attitude isto not helping you.
You need to get EXCITED about the vacation TOO... Women LOVE something to look forward to. Get yourself lost in planning this vacation along with her. Now, the way to do that is to show her you are excited about something that YOU are wanting to do or a place YOU want to visit while gone on your vacation with her. Example: "Honey, Let's go to the sporting goods store this weekend because I WANT to buy some snorkeling equipment. There is supposed to be a really good snorkeling area there and I want to do that one day while we are there." You may very well then find her sharing something that SHE would also like to do. She may mention, "hey I want to go to the store and look at bikini's after we go to the sporting goods store" You then say.."Ok sounds good. I want to get a new pair of swim trunks myself."... etc. etc Get into your OWN excitement about the vacation and SHARRE that excitement with her. It is give and take. Then when you go to the sporting goods store TOGETHER... get out of the car and grab her hand (don't ask, just take it) and walk in together hand in hand HAPPILY..
You HAVE GOT TO show her that you have other passions and interests other than her. Get passionate about going away on vacation. My wife loves it that I love to plan ahead and get so excited about going on vacation with her. I let her give me ideas of what she wants to do and things she wants to explore or whatever, and I do the same. I say to her,"honey, I read there is a really neat town about an hour away from where we are staying that has a lot of antique shops that are all within walking distance. I think we should take a day and rent a car and go explore that town."
The way you talk about your wife it sounds to me that she would say.."ok" without much emotion behind it. So be it. She doesn't have to love every love or interest you have and vice versa...
I told you before. Take advantage of things SHE likes to do and thins she enjoys. She is excited about this vacation. USE it to your advantage. Stop being so obsessed about her reactions and start obsessing about this fantastic wonderful vacation that YOU can't wait to go on. Let that rub off on her...
Quote: During this time W had said ILY... since then W has not said it.
Are you saying she said she loved you Friday when having intercourse? Do you you mean she hasn't said I love you since then?
Yes everything happened on Friday.
Yes, during our intimate moment W said "ILY" a few times. During one of those times I said it in return.
Now here is the thing. W is so set on starting a family and I am set on building a healthy loving R/M. I cannot imagine bringing a child into a situation or state our marriage is currently in.
W speaks about how we are going to "take the steps we need to take" but yet her actions do not back up her words. I know it will take time and I know I should live in the moment but I feel rushed and told W this.
So after our intimate moment I asked W "how do you feel about me" W told me "ILY, I always have." I then told W my concerns about my concerns of starting a family before we even get the chance to work on us. W said that we would take the steps we need to take and if the family happens, then we will take it as it comes.
I had to go to work, running late actually so I got ready. I was leaving for work, W said "be careful" and I responded "I will and if you need anything just call or txt." W said "OK"
Later in the night W called me, we spoke for a few minutes. W told me how she was feeling (physically). I told W how my night was going so far and then we ended the call with an exchange of "goodnight and ILY" The ILY slipped out and W did say it in return.
In the morning when W was leaving for work (I am still at work 3am). W called me, W told me about our dog misbehaving during the night. I asked W what had she packed for lunch and she told me. After that brief conversation W and I ended the call with W me saying to W "careful on your drive in to work" (W said someone had cut her off while we were talking which prompted me to say that). We exchanged "Bye" and nothing more...end of call.
W gets to work then she txt how she was pulled over on the way into work...
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Sorry for the lack of commentary I honestly don't remember everything that was said and when it was said. I was caught up in the moment and then rushed off to work. When I returned home from work I made the above post.
As for being happy around the W, I am. I tell W how excited I am about the trip. I talk to W about it everyday.
We BOTH plan everything we do way ahead of time. That is something we have in common. Where we differentiate is W is optimistic and I become pessimistic. For example; W wants to go on this trip and is planning out everything, I want to go on this trip and well and help plan but I also wonder "where are we getting the money." W wants to have children and as do I but I want to take parenting classes (so does W) and work on R first, W just says "It'll all be OK" I can't see the "OK" in having children in a struggling marriage while planning an expensive trip...how about we plan the trip work out our finances, go on the trip and have a great time then consider where we go from there...
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
During this time W had said ILY... since then W has not said it.
Is this a major concern for you? How many times would you have liked her to have said it?
No. I just don't believe it I guess. I use to see it in her eyes when she said it in the past. This was a very withdrawn ILY during an intimate moment...
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
