And she says."I understand you don't want the divorce and want to try, but I am done and strongly disagree with you that it can even be saved. I want out. Nothing you can say will change my mind. I do want you to know I understand your feelings." (which IS what most WAS's are actually saying with their words and actions).
WOW Deja Vu!
<Plugs ears> LALA LALA LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LOL
I failed on this. I failed horribly...It was ALL about me, I did not do this correctly.
The W has never actually said divorce, just separation. But "trust nothing they say, and only 1/2 of what they do" tells me that she's wants out. I think she's just scared of the consequences.
So do I put my BBB (big boy boxers) on and encourage her to move out ASAP? I can manage financially better than I expected,
and Limbo is a sucky place to be.
Your decision, sounds like you've been thinking about your life though, I agree limbo is a "sucky place" to be, I choose to live life "limbo free", but that's just me, what you choose for your life is up to you.
2. Pinhead: It's a matter of triage. The attraction is the last thing to come back. First, you stop the bleeding. The WAW needs to feel safe to express her feelings. She needs to feel that the changes you are making are real and not just to get her back. She needs to have fun around you and not feel badly for you or find you a drag. But it's not a linear thing. In the same way that the littlest setback can bring the panic and anxiety back in you, the littlest sign of reconnection can bring back her panic and anxiety and she can withdraw. Remember, a WAW walks away because she has come to an emotional state where it is less painful to walk away than to face the problems in her relationship.
And that is the moment you have released them. You then follow through on exactly what you have told them. Keep all your cards close to your chest. Mysterious. Not mean. Not punitive. Not angry exept for callng the affair what it is.. AN affair.
WAW: "I want a divorce and I will never love you again. I found someone else and am madly and passionately in love with them. I would like you to let me go and not try to win me back in any way shape or form. Please leave me alone and don't try to disagree with me that you don't want a divorce because it won't make any difference. My mind is made up."
You can go ahead and try to validate that without agreeing and I will take my chances agreeing. Agreeing helps them to FEEL validated far far better. When you disagree not only do they not feel validated, but YOU don't feel validated.
How validated would you feel if you told your spouse "I don't want this divorce and I understand you do, but I want to try."
And she says."I understand you don't want the divorce and want to try, but I am done and strongly disagree with you that it can even be saved. I want out. Nothing you can say will change my mind. I do want you to know I understand your feelings." (which IS what most WAS's are actually saying with their words and actions)
OR... would you rather hear?:
Betrayed: "I don't want this divorce and will do whatever it takes to make this work. I am sorry for what I have done."
WAW: "I have heard what you said, and I agree with you. I think you are right and we should try and I agree that we should do whatever to make this work."
Either way can be called "validating" One way you FEEL validated and the other, not so much..
So, you can validate till the cows come home, BUT if the OTHER PERSON doesn't FEEL validated it means nothing. It isn't what YOU feel is validating,but what the person you are communicating with that needs to feel validated for it to be true validation.
I understand and agree with your position, but I think the Live Happy, Always Validate (my version), and Be Confident is about not getting into the position where you have a WAW. (Though I realize it was quoted as part of DBing.) Once you're there, it's similar, but not the same as you have pointed out and when there is OM involved, that changes things, too.
Another thought: I think we use the term Walkaway Spouse/Wife to encompass more than it was intended to encompass. MWD described this as a particular syndrome and although DBing, or parts of DBing may be effective in many marriages in crises, WAW syndrome was not intended to describe every situation where a spouse wants to leave a marriage.
Another thought: I think we use the term Walkaway Spouse/Wife to encompass more than it was intended to encompass. MWD described this as a particular syndrome and although DBing, or parts of DBing may be effective in many marriages in crises, WAW syndrome was not intended to describe every situation where a spouse wants to leave a marriage.
if you’re confident, independent and have self-esteem, you don’t need external validation
so to validate? agree? affirm? does it matter?
Quote:
WAW: "I want a divorce and I will never love you again. I found someone else and am madly and passionately in love with them. I would like you to let me go
when you hear any of that, you just got dumped. plain and simple. Okay, seems like one too many words to say to someone who really doesn't care what you think.
Another thought: I think we use the term Walkaway Spouse/Wife to encompass more than it was intended to encompass. MWD described this as a particular syndrome and although DBing, or parts of DBing may be effective in many marriages in crises, WAW syndrome was not intended to describe every situation where a spouse wants to leave a marriage.
Agreed!
I agree that every spouse that walks away from a marriage is a walk away spouse ;-)
Wouldn't you agree that a spouse who walks away from a marriage is a walk away spouse?
