There usually is a pullback in behavior. They'll be "testing" the water so to speak. They don't know if they made the right decision or not. Take it slow and encourage her rather than go full force and expect her to fall into your arms overnight.
Keep the positive changes going. Have you thought about going to a MC together? You need someone to show both of you how to communicate better with each other or else you'll find yourself back her in no time.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
When do you think it is OK to talk to W about my emotional needs, or at all?
after she removes both valve covers and turns the engine to top dead center
I don't get it, sorry. I would like to say that we went to eternal flame falls today and we had a great time. The bad part about it all, it was spur of the moment W had no clue and therefore she was not dressed for the occasion.
Bond, W and I spoke about MC and she agreed, since that day she had not brought it back up but I had. I suggested many times for us to seek some sort of MC and she agreed but nothing beyond that. It was then suggested in this thread that I lay off the MC talk for now.
Today we had a pretty good day. Somehow we got into a R talk. W said she is trying to figure out if I really am the person I portrayed over the past 7 months. W also said many things she said to me over the past several months was to protect herself...from what I don't know.
I am using our trip as a way to reconnect with her. At first I did not agree with the trip (never told her) due to our current financial situation but she is really set on going and when I brought up financial concerns she said that it'll all work out...
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
In my experience, if you drop talking about a plan to improve the marriage, such as going to a MC or going to a Retrouvaille weekend (and there are a lot of summer weekends out there this month and next), then nothing happens. To get change, you have to make change. And the opposite is also true, if nothing changes, then everything stays the same. And if everything stays the same, then this time period of goodwill is likely to wear off and you go back to where you were before. Some say that a happy marriage is falling in love with the same person over and over again. That is because the "in love" feeling does not just last.
You are no longer in the affair stage of this relationship, you are now in the piecing phase. You don't act the same in piecing as you do in trying to end an affair. You do have to take steps to heal the marriage, more than just day-to-day getting along. Because things will happen and you will lapse into old patterns. You need to actively change the patterns in a determined way, preferably led by someone who has experience doing this successfully.
Most of your problems could be put behind you with around 30 days of sex every night.
sounds like a recipe for a yeast infection
Yeast infection? I don't get it
Me:52 W:50 M:30 D:19S:27 Discovered EA:08/08 denied W insisted on D+ILYBNILWY:08/08 Exposed wrong OMW:10/08 Found exact OM's ID 2/09 Expose OMW son, not sure OMW knows yet 25 months after still a rollercoaster
When we were telling you to let her go, you would keep pointing out to us how far you had come and all the good you were seeing.
Now that you have a chance with her, it looks like you are trying to find a way to be negative and gloom and doom.
You really need to focus on being a happy man. I know you want some type of time limit on when or if she will come around, but you know as well as I do that there is no way anybody can know that.
You have to stop taking her temperature so much. Focus on becoming happy. You have a habit of finding something to worry about.
If I tell you to tell her that it isn't working for you, I would guess that you would come back and tell me that things are better and you are now hugging, holding hands and kissing her goodbye in the morning....
Life is good. You are reconciling. Stay in the moment. Just keep plugging and being consistent.
When do you think it is OK to talk to W about my emotional needs, or at all?
after she removes both valve covers and turns the engine to top dead center
I don't get it, sorry. I would like to say that we went to eternal flame falls today and we had a great time. The bad part about it all, it was spur of the moment W had no clue and therefore she was not dressed for the occasion.
I'm a vague one aren't I? Guess you never had one of those air-cooled Volkswagens where you had to adjust the valves every month. I might as well just say it then. Chicks dig motorheads not EMO boys talking about how they are unloved and alone their dark bedroom.
You are not going to come off as a "pillar" of emotional strength and confidance if you are talking about your emotional needs a week after she unlocks the bedroom door and starts talking to you again. You were not the one having the affair, and sneaking around and lying. You should not be the one taking "the temperature of the relationship" and asking for hugs and exhibiting fear of abandonment. Aren't you suppose to be the one leading and making her feel secure, protected, and important?
Me, Me, Me, feed my needs.
Emotional maturity instead of emotional neediness! You can connect with your woman without verbally expressing your dependence. She's not a chicken salad sandwich; she can read you through your actions and your leadership.
In my world, if I was to start talking about a need for admiration and affection and hand holding, my wife would take one look at me and say, "why don't you watch 'Bethenny Getting Married' she'll teach you a little about confidence and independence."
Anyhow, Since its Friday, I got a another great "day in the live of Stephen" story about Gas Light Falls.
When I was a boy, I use to hike those woods day in and night. I had this big old friendly husky. If she could talk she probably would have only said "pet me, pet me, come on, pet me, pet me."
This was back in the day before seat belt and leash laws. So, we're hiking through the woods, and ol' snoopy books up ahead. She must have seen other people and was trying to get some attention. When I catch up with her, she's inside this pile of blown over of trees and brush begging for pets from 2 old guys. 2 real old guys, George Burns' type. 1 old guy is in his underwear with a camera on a tripod. The other is naked in some Bacchus pose on a blanket, with grapes and wine and the blown over trees in the background. And there is my dog snoopy smelling this old guys butt. Horrid memory but the funniest thing I ever saw in all my life.
Emotional maturity instead of emotional neediness! You can connect with your woman without verbally expressing your dependence. She's not a chicken salad sandwich; she can read you through your actions and your leadership.
In my world, if I was to start talking about a need for admiration and affection and hand holding, my wife would take one look at me and say, "why don't you watch 'Bethenny Getting Married' she'll teach you a little about confidence and independence."
Steve is right on the money OIN.. You ARE coming across as becoming the feminine one in the relationship and her the masculine one.. ROLE REVERSAL.. That is NOT good....
Anyhow, Since its Friday, I got a another great "day in the live of Stephen" story about Gas Light Falls.
When I was a boy, I use to hike those woods day in and night. I had this big old friendly husky. If she could talk she probably would have only said "pet me, pet me, come on, pet me, pet me."
This was back in the day before seat belt and leash laws. So, we're hiking through the woods, and ol' snoopy books up ahead. She must have seen other people and was trying to get some attention. When I catch up with her, she's inside this pile of blown over of trees and brush begging for pets from 2 old guys. 2 real old guys, George Burns' type. 1 old guy is in his underwear with a camera on a tripod. The other is naked in some Bacchus pose on a blanket, with grapes and wine and the blown over trees in the background. And there is my dog snoopy smelling this old guys butt. Horrid memory but the funniest thing I ever saw in all my life.
Steve!! You are one of the reasons I logon everyday.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Emotional maturity instead of emotional neediness! You can connect with your woman without verbally expressing your dependence. She's not a chicken salad sandwich; she can read you through your actions and your leadership.
In my world, if I was to start talking about a need for admiration and affection and hand holding, my wife would take one look at me and say, "why don't you watch 'Bethenny Getting Married' she'll teach you a little about confidence and independence."
Steve is right on the money OIN.. You ARE coming across as becoming the feminine one in the relationship and her the masculine one.. ROLE REVERSAL.. That is NOT good....
We know he's masculine too! Yep, these affairs and attempting to fix them are a classroom on psychology and dymanics of power in relationships.
This role reversal happens all the time!
Another one, if a females "personal boundary" space kicks you out of "masculine space", and she's actively enforcing this with her games, tests, etc... It will do the same thing.
They don't have to physical cheat on us to cheat us.
