Not to start an arguement here, but haven't we been told over and over that we (LBS) shouldn't leave the home just because they (WAS) want us to? I gotta say, I probably would have left months ago if it wasn't for the advice I got here. It would make things easier to a certain extent. I have stayed for the kids, mostly.
Just looking for some clarification?
This is a great thread by the way! Lots of wisdom, here.
the advice was not to get kicked out of your home with your tail caught between your legs, leave because you want to leave, not because your WAS wants you to leave so they can have their affair partner move in and sleep in your bed.
Part of the "don't leave the house" advice has to do with the leaver being labeled as abandoning the family in possible D proceedings. I spoke to an attorney before I left to stay with my parents and he said as long as you establish a visitation/custody arrangement with the WAS you can't be labeled as abandoning the family. The atty also told me to document the amount of time spent with the children so that you can make a better case for the custody that you desire in case of D.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
the advice was not to get kicked out of your home with your tail caught between your legs, leave because you want to leave, not because your WAS wants you to leave so they can have their affair partner move in and sleep in your bed.
- there is a difference!
Correct. BIG difference. ONE of you is leaving because you will NOT tolerate or live with or be with someone having an affair. I believe it should be YOU since you had the affair. The sooner the better. I will even help you pack. What say, by the end of next week..
Then if they don't or won't... Then YOU move..... The key is that you will NOT tolerate an affair while living under the same roof..
Remember to get your ducks in a row first... Cover all bases.
First you push, pull, nag, whatever it takes to convince them they are moving.. Then if not.. Plan B.. YOU MOVE.. YOU are deciding....
First you push, pull, nag, whatever it takes to convince them they are moving.. Then if not.. Plan B.. YOU MOVE.. YOU are deciding....
I get what you are saying. What about the kids thinking that I am the one leaving them? That is the other big reason I have not left. She can't afford the house, insurance, gas, utilities, sitters for the kids, etc. I would be stuck paying everything and paying my own bills.
I guess, with kids, it's best to try and stay. I am building up to filing myself. Then we will have to work everything out like it or not.
idontunderstand - you seem to have the same concerns and issues I do with my W. Abandonment in possible D proceedings, what will the kids think, and that means I will be paying for the house and everything else PLUS all expense where ever I moved to. Also, I have zero proof of my wife having an EA/PA, and Ive collected a lot of intel, my biggest problem seems to be her mother.
At the same time, I see in another thread we need to get over our 'fear' -
I just know one thing, I am really getting sick and tired of this sitch, something needs to change, and soon. The longer this goes on, the more resentment is building toward my W. Im getting tired of living like this.
Me 44 H 39 Met in 1998 Married in 2004 D 5, twins Bomb - May 16th, 2010
"Don't let Tomorrow or Yesterday get in the way of Today"
Legal ramifications and children need to come before most DB tactics, I think!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
idontunderstand - you seem to have the same concerns and issues I do with my W. Abandonment in possible D proceedings, what will the kids think, and that means I will be paying for the house and everything else PLUS all expense where ever I moved to. Also, I have zero proof of my wife having an EA/PA, and Ive collected a lot of intel, my biggest problem seems to be her mother.
At the same time, I see in another thread we need to get over our 'fear' -
I just know one thing, I am really getting sick and tired of this sitch, something needs to change, and soon. The longer this goes on, the more resentment is building toward my W. Im getting tired of living like this.
For one thing, you have caught on a lot sooner that I did. I still have not completly got over my fear of losing my M. Even though after doing some of the things I was afraid to do got the best results.
I am not afraid of making my W "mad" anymore. Coach says it's good if she gets mad and that does make sense. We have to do what's best for us and our kids. Doing the right thing is not always easy.
I, too, find my resentment of my W building. Maybe it's a way to make detachment easier. Even if she said today,"I want us to fix this.", I would not be so quick to jump back in with both feet.
