Tonight, I am going to band practice. I always have a good time playing music. That's one big GAL that I have going on right now.
On a side note about wife's meeting after the meeting Mon. nite; it was about the super's contract. The other two officers only want to do a year to year contract with him. He wants a five year deal. I saw on W's phone last night a dozen or more txt's to and from him about the whole discussion. One that sticks out was, "...well, if it was up to me, you would have a lifetime contract!"
That is just too many TM. I had the same problem with my W, and it was more than she was saying. I am not saying that is true with your sitch, but there is something that is just not right with that many TM to me.
It sucks bad! It is just another hit to you.
You know what you are up against, and you still have to do what is best for you.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Tonight, I am going to band practice. I always have a good time playing music. That's one big GAL that I have going on right now.
On a side note about wife's meeting after the meeting Mon. nite; it was about the super's contract. The other two officers only want to do a year to year contract with him. He wants a five year deal. I saw on W's phone last night a dozen or more txt's to and from him about the whole discussion. One that sticks out was, "...well, if it was up to me, you would have a lifetime contract!"
But she swears they are just friends. LOL.
It's tough IDU, but I can't imagine you were surprised by what you saw, so blow it off. It would have been more remarkable if she had said "I'm not comfortable with you texting me anymore; I'm trying to work things out in my marriage."
You don't want her the way she is. She is going to stay the way she is unless she decides to change. You can't make her do that.
Have you walked through the financial details with your L? All of the logistics when considered together naturally worry the hell out of you. But if you take them one thing at a time you will handle it. Tons of people less capable than you have been through this and made it out. Your W will have to figure out her own solution.
One step at a time, trust in God, and let your wife float out in the ether where she belongs. Maybe she will wake up some day, but you have to assume she won't. Leave her to God and get on with what He has planned for you.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
As I was leaving for practice, W followed me outside. I knew something was up and tried to mentally prepare myself. She asked what L I had talked to. She said she is going for a consult herself. I said I thought that was a good idea. Says she doesn't understand why we can't use the same L, it would be cheaper. I again said that I was not interested in doing that, and agreed that she should go see one herself.
Then in got into the school board meetings and going out afterwards. Mon after the meeting, she said that the SB Pres. and V.P. said they were concerned for her safety and for the super's safety. It was the V.P. that I went and talked to about a month ago. According to her, he said that he was worried because I was so mad and said I would come to a meeting and accuse super and W of messing around and demand that he quit and that she quit. She said they thought about calling the police to "guard" them in case I came to the meeting.
I kind of laughed and told her that of all the things he and I and his wife discussed that night, when I said, "I would really like to go to a meeting and call them both out on their unethical behavior. I think it is wrong for a super and a school board member to have this much personal contact." I asked if her would be happy if it was his wife spending all this time and calls and txt with the super. He said of course not.
Then a lot of the same stuff as before: you don't trust me, you aren't happy, she has been trying and she is done. I validated my a$$ off and did not make any excuses. She said I would never be able to get over my suspicions about super and I still think that she slept with him even though she told me that she didn't. I told her to stop right there. "I'm sorry you feel that way, but you have no business telling me what I can or can't get over. Yes, I do have my suspicions about a lot of things and I have apologized for my past behavior many times. The fact remains that you refuse to stop any of the things that I have brought up that bother me. I can't live with a wife who sees no problem going out drinking with the guys and repeatedly stays out too late, who calls and txt another single man at all hours of the day and night, who doesn't discuss anything with me regarding things you do at school that don't involve our kids and automatically expect me to be here as a baby sitter. I don't know of another man who would and I am glad that you are going to see a L because that was the only thing left to do. Whatever may or may not be going on with the super is beside the point. Something is going on that I am not comfortable with. While I may not have brought it up in the proper way because I was mad and scared, you have made it clear that you will not give any of your school activities up including spending time with super. I accept that choice and agree that we need to get D."
She continued to go on about me not trusting her and she was always with other people and it was never just her and him by themselves. Then it turned to her family and she couldn't forgive me for "throwing her under the bus and running her down" to them. I reminded her that her family agreed with me that she was spending too much time at school and it wasn't right for her and super to be spending so much time together and talking and txting like they do. I caught her in so many lies and did not let her get away with any of them.
It seems like she may be setting me up for threatening her and the super. I started to walk in the house one time and she asked what I was doing. I said I was going to call the SB V.P. and get this cleared up once and for all. I said that I never said I was going to do anything other that tell everyone what was going on and ask for his resignation. If they think they need to have police come the the school to protect him and my wife from me, I wanted to hear it from him. She of course said I had involved other people in this too much. Don't ever say anything to him about any of this again. I continued to go for the phone and she said DO NOT CALL HIM. I guess we'll see if she tries that with her L. I DID NOT THREATEN ANYONE!
Finally, I walked around to the driver side of my truck and said, "Listen, I was supposed to be at Joe's an hour ago. I need to get going. I think it's good that you are going to see a L. While I don't agree that this M can't be fixed, I do agree that it is time that we move on. I want to apologize one last time for not being there for you in the way that you needed me to be. I love you more that anything in the world but I will be okay without you." She said that I told her a couple of week ago that I didn't love her and that I could never get over this. I said that I told her the same thing she told me, that I was not in love with her. I said I don't remember saying that I could never get over this. I'm sorry you feel that way. It is something I can get over, but not by myself. You have made it clear that you don't want to rebuild things with me and I am fine with that. I'm giving you what you want: a divorce. I got in my truck and left.
I really tried to remember all that I have been told here. I'm sure I screwed up some. I am really calm today. Maybe because I keep hoping that she will have her epiphany and come to her senses. I DO hope that happens, I can't lie. I do know I will be okay, eventually, if she doesn't.
We'll see where things go from here. It seems like I've been here before. I tried to make it sound more final this time. I kept thinking about Coach saying it was a good thing if she was mad. And boy, was she. I never raised my voice once and stayed calm and looked her in the eye the entire time. Just the opposite of how I had been at times in the past.
I do still hold out hope. Maybe my true DBing is just starting. I prayed a lot last night and welcome all the extra ones I can get.
I'm no pro, but it sounds like you did well with this conversation. Stay focused and tough. I don't know if this will cause her to have an epiphany or not, but it is the right way to go.
It took me until my W actually paid a retainer before I snapped out of my pursuit mode and got my head back on sort of straight. I am also hoping for an epiphany, but I just don't know if it is going to happen.
Remember what they say, this is a l o n g process. A marathon, not a sprint.
in the end I think you did the right thing, her spending more time with another man than she spends with you is just a recipe for more problems - if it's not work related and their time spent together is in a social setting and she's not willing to give it up, it means she's hooked on him and if she wants him that bad, she can have him. This texting business wouldn't be for work and her threats about calling police and all that other nonsense is just that nonsense, she does it to scare you and to test you and to see if you'll back down, stand up to her but do it how you did, in a firm, calm, cool way.
Based on your recap, I think you did pretty damn good, nice job!
stop apologizing though and stop telling her you love her, that's more less a form of pursuit, she doesn't want your apologies or to hear that you love her, she isn't going out of her way to apologize to you or tell you she loves you, take a clue from her playbook ;-)
