She IS interested in someone else. You just can't or don't want to admit it. This is what women do when having an affair.. They tell you they "forgot" to tell you about a meeting..
They call you up the DAY that they are going to be around their affair partner and they say things like.."hey, take a day off in August for our kids so that we can spend the day together"..
This is guilt doing these things.. THINK about it.. Suddenly she is asking you to take a day off right out of the blue.. the same day she has another board meeting and of course it is Jim and Joe that are at fault because they "asked" her to go have a beer..
Stop being in denial about what IS going on... It is only hurting you. Setting "boundaries" isn't what this is all about...
There is only ONE boundary here.... And you need to focus on THAT boundary and that boundary alone.. Your wife is going out to bars meeting other men.. 2+2=4... Always has always will. AND you are ALLOWING it. The attitude should be this..
"you can go out and be with anybody you so choose. You are totally free. However, you can NOT have me too. End of story. IF that is what you so choose, then I want you to find another place and move out. The sooner the better.I am not interested in being with a woman that is my wife going out to bars and drinking with other men. I know that seems old fashioned, but my mind is made up. Please find another place to live and I will start divorce proceedings right away"..
I KNOW she is interested in someone else. The super.
I knew about the meeting, she has it written on the calendar. She thinks I don't pay attention to it.
I don't think she is "going out to bars meeting other men". This all started with going out after the school board meetings and escalting from there because I was too scared to put a stop to it a year ago. Of course, the could be more than one OM. I have been wrong before.
"you can go out and be with anybody you so choose. You are totally free. However, you can NOT have me too. End of story. IF that is what you so choose, then I want you to find another place and move out. The sooner the better.I am not interested in being with a woman that is my wife going out to bars and drinking with other men. I know that seems old fashioned, but my mind is made up. Please find another place to live and I will start divorce proceedings right away"..
Then do it.
I KNOW.
I get so close to taking the leap. It's what I have to do.
I am with you and support your efforts with your family.
I did not think one OM was possible, but I am finding there may be OM2 as well. It is something I have to consider, and the evidence is mounting. I think she had an EA before OM1. It all comes out.
I am not trying to be negative or discourage your efforts.
Just always be open to what is happening around you with your W.
You will be okay, and what is going to happen will happen. You are so much a better person and able to deal with anything that happens since you first started posting.
Take care of yourself!
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Joe and Jim wanted to talk to me last night after the meeting so we went for a beer.
Words out about your wife and your marriage. looks like the ducks are starting to line up...
I was thinking the same thing. People have noticed it but have said it is "none of their business." It would be nice to have some intervention from her own peer group.
Of course, they could have just went out drinking. Or she was with the super again and came up with that as an excuse. Either way, it doesn't change what I need to do.
I have always been somewhat upfront with you, IDU, maybe to the point of being crass for an Internet bulletin board, but if I knew you as a "person" and you were telling me your story I would say they same things to your face, like it or not, as you seem confused over your wife's behavior and the questionable intentions of men who buy her drinks.
I read this from you in another post,
Quote:
I agree with you as far as feeling like we are missing something. The whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" crap just never really sat very good with me. I understand the theory behind it; they aren't attracted to us, they don't respect us anymore. We have to get that back. But what if they are stuck in this fantasy land and anything we do doesn't matter? The financial realities hit home and then they sweep them aside. It is maddening.
...
She started acting like a teenager, like you said; dressing sexier than she ever had, going out drinking and partying, calling in sick to work because she was hung-over. All the signs were ther and I would not call her on any of it. If I did, it was weak, like 'don't you think you should come home a little earlier' something like that. I didn't understand about boundaries. I thought the boundaries were automatically there and understood. They always were for me.
and although I am not your wife, nor am I a woman, maybe if I type you will find something.
I can relate to your wife. I know exactly how it feels to "love someone" but not "be in love with them," to be 40-somethingish and have the drive and vigor of a 20 year old and love to go out partying and learning about new people. I think the best way to explain it is, if you can remember being young there was a euphoria associated with doing things, everything was new, the mundane could easily be spiced up. Life was a fantasy land because there were no bounds. You were not limited by the fact you were not a billionaire, because if you wanted to be one you just acted like one until you got bored of that and worked something different into your personae. If you wanted to do something you did it; for who knew what tomorrow would bring. It was really about excitement, having fun, and getting laid. It still is.
You can read about "love chemicals" and PEAs and the sketchy scientific explanations some pharmaceutically funded scientist gives for their rationalization, but all that doesn’t mean a damn thing if you are not on the receiving end of it. Right? Someone's dopamine levels are high and the pissy BO smell you really can't detect makes people around them horny. It might be real; it might not be. (Good luck figuring out those enzymatic pathways ... Horny Goat Weed is on sale at http://www...)
Same goes for "anything" you do. It might matter; it might not. If you need to affect someone like that you are losing control and understanding of yourself. Why would someone want to spend their time trying to figure out why someone does or says one thing or the other but not this or that? When there is a whole great big world out there begging to be explored by you, exciting, fun, sometimes a little sexy. My time is limited. If you are not on the boat at 6 I am sailing off without you.
Realize, you can slip in the shower and hit your head and be found tomorrow, naked, blue, stiff and water logged and what did it really amount to? An insurance policy and a trust fund for the kids to drink there way through college on?
That’s one way of looking at it. Then there's love. Many, many, many people on this site think love is the most important emotion. I don't. I like winning. I am addicted to adrenaline rush. I love the way my ears ring when I play my guitar real loud or race a car with headers. I thrive on fear of the unknown. When I was younger I would mountain climb with my wife just to ski down from some ridiculously dangerous height just because. I learned a lot about myself getting lost, hurt, almost dying. I never grew out of that.
Call me selfish, egotistical, an ass, I don’t care. My wife could fall out of love with me and it really doesn’t matter, as long as she is happy. I want her to be happy. (I filled her tank last night just in case. I would hate for her to be stranded on the side of the road, out of gas and blaming me.) I will be happy no matter what.
I realize this does not explain your wife but I hope it helps you more than another fish story.
Thank for the well thought out reply, Steve. It does help and I appreciate it. I don't mind anyone being crass with me but I never took it that way. I know I am putting off what needs to happen.
I know I have tried to explain it before, but don't the "rules" change when there are kids involved? I get what you're saying about excitement and challenges, having fun and getting laid. Not to say that is out of my system, but don't a persons priorities change? I'm not only looking out for myself anymore. I have four kids that I have to put first. I realize that she and I should have put more effort on time for just the two of us. It was a two way street.
I have reached the point that I don't care if she leaves. In fact, I wish that she would leave me and the kids and go do her thing. That won't happen. So, the advice is to file myself. I am preparing to do so, I have no other choice. The final outcome of all of this is impossible to predict. How much will I have the kids, how am I going to afford CS, how much CS, will the kids really be okay, can I afford to keep the house, can I afford another place if we have to sell the house.....A million different questions that are the same ones that everyone has. I am in better financial shape that my W but that only means that I will have to give her more money.
'Round and 'round it goes. It's the kids who are going to suffer the most. Four kids. Life is amazing and should be fun and exciting. We did have fun, but our priorities changed. I thought that was normal.
I'm starting to ramble. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. I can't put it into words very well. I know what you are saying, I really do. I have the same choice that she does- Wow, my W only likes having sex in bed now when we used to do it on the trampoline, in the shed, anytime, anywhere. I think I'll go find someone who likes doing that. She's my W, but she doesn't make me happy all the time so screw her. Time for me to move on and who cares how she feels.-Was I bored at times? Did I try to spice things up? Yes. Did I ever consider leaving and tearing my family apart? NEVER.
Anyway, thanks again. Don't give up on me and never hold back the 2x4's.
