I concur. Continue to GAL, B mysterious and NOT always available. Be spontaneous and unpredictable. In fact. Use the time to find your own hobbies and make NEW friends.
I think you're on the right path. How many times do we need to tell people here that they need to find happiness from within themselves? All the time. You, yourself recognize this need and it is good.
I'm glad you didn't react to her email and took a step back to evaluate and respond. You have done the work on yourself. She ran away into fantasy-land thinking that OM would solve all her problems. She has found out it's not possible. When the bubble burst she sees a bright/new "future." A man who knows what he wants and will go out and get it. She doesn't know who SHE is or what she wants or needs. You have a new life and she doesn't quite know how she can fit into that.
You know that she has been "running" and hiding most of her life. She drew her validation from others. Her clarity of this means she wants to find other activities to get it from. If they can help her, that is good. Give her that chance. Don't be resentful about it. Find indirect ways to give her that validation wherever possible.
You can only pull the "loss" card out so many times. This is not one of those times. I don't think you need to say anything about the "friends talk" either. As for yourself, you said it, "time to get busy again." But this time don't be too mysterious. Be open about it. It's that happy, self-confident man that drew her back. Keep on being him -- FOR YOURSELF. Resuming dating right now is not an option. It will be seen as retaliation and will prompt her to do the same. Just be cool, relax and go with the flow. If she steps out and wants to date others... then you know what you need to do. Until then, give her the benefit of the doubt.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
gucci, I've lived this whole thing, and what you're saying rings very true.
I'm trying not to make excuses for her. The problem is, she's right. She doesn't have a life. Her life was pursuing me, then when she got me, her life was pursuing getting kids. When she got those, she pursued all sorts of other things, never finding anything that made her happy, and started increasingly blaming me and our M for her unhappiness. She finally found her great OM, and became consumed by thinking he was the answer to all her problems. Now that that fell apart, she's back to searching.
I agree, she pursued me again when she thought she lost me. I did make it pretty easy for her, but I didn't say yes to everything she asked, and I kept her in the dark for quite a while regarding my other dating activities. She is acting like she's one who has the right to say yes or no, but she's asked me to do things three times more often than me asking her. Should I have never asked her to do anything? She even asked me for that date. I can't reconcile my M while withholding some "secret" about whether I have another woman on the side. I could have gotten her more and more riled up if I had played harder to get, but eventually I would have had to commit myself to reconciling our M, and I'd be right here anyway.
It's unworkable. She needs to fix her. You are right. She doesn't FEEL it for me. The only time she does is when she's trying to pursue me, making me out as her great savior. I don't want her to FEEL it for me that way. She has never in her life been able to FEEL it for a man unless he was her current obsession. I don't want to worry that my woman's feelings for me are so fragile as to disintegrate when I show some interest in her, like asking her to do things with me, or saying yes when she asks me. That's no way to live.
I agree with you I need to step way back while she does whatever she's doing, and continue living my life and maybe even go back to dating other women. Maybe I'll find one that doesn't drive me crazy!
Hi Future, Have spent a few minutes getting caught up on your life. Maybe I can help shed light on a woman's perspective...and maybe I've got a little bit in common with your wife after all!
I just got back from taking my 2 kids to Spain--we went for two weeks and it was WONDERFUL. I lived in Spain for a few years in my 20's. Back then, I was so free and easy and fun. Then I got married and had kids, and I spent all of my time focused on them and not me. I lost my 'self' in being a wife and mother and working. While I loved my H and kids, I felt like I had disappeared.
Now I'm seeing someone new and am having a hard time balancing "me". I don't want to lose myself again. I want to see him once a week or so. Not every day. I don't even want to talk to him every day. And he is a very, very nice, enjoyable person. I disagree that a woman wants to be with a man all the time if she likes/loves him. Not a woman in her 40's or 50's who has had very, very little time to herself outside of being a wife, a mom and a professional. So, maybe your W just needs some space to get herself back--and to get some hobbies and spend time with her friends.
I was dreading talking to my new guy yesterday because I was going to have to tell him I don't want to see him again until this weekend. Instead, I want to have dinner with a friend tomorrow (my kid-free night) and don't want to feel bad or guilty that he's waiting around for me. Anyway, I was starting to feel dragged down with the "responsibility" of being someone's partner and was thinking that this just isn't going to work for me right now. To my pleasant surprise, when I called him this morning he was very upbeat and friendly and told me about the plans he had for the next several days and asked me what my plans were and we found a time when we could both see eachother. So, now I'm really looking forward to seeing him again. I don't feel like he's waiting around for me to call the shots or to fill in his empty spaces.
Maybe that could be a different perspective on your W. DON'T wait around for her but if you've both got some time and want to do something, be open to it...
Actually Musclegal, It is Future who you have a little bit in common with more than his wife.. For one thing, your were both the BS. Your spouses were both the WS.
He has spent all HIS time focused on his wife and not him. She has been focused on herself for quite some time now. It is Future that should be thinking like you are and "not wanting to lose himself now". NOT his wife.
So maybe it is FUTURE that needs some space to get himself back and to get some hobbies and spend time with friends... Like what you are saying. IF he is observing correctly then he would be observing that both you and his wife are wanting space which proves that the one wanting space is the one getting pursued.
It is NOT a good sign for the new man you are seeing when you are saying you are "dreading" him calling... I wouldn't want to be with any woman if I knew she had said something like that about me. I don't want any woman dreading my call. It would tell me all I need to know. She doesn't like me enough. I have never dreaded a call from a woman UNLESS I didn't have the right feelings for her. Never.
When the feelings are right you don't dread a call from the one you like. ESPECIALLY YOUR SPOUSE. Tis isn't just some new girl he is just starting to see. She isn't being honest. There is something else going on.
Hi Gucci, interesting thoughts and you're right about a lot of them. I still think, though, that sometimes we want love to be all encompassing, to take us over, that kind of falling sensation that turns out doesn't last forever. Then when its gone, we don't really know what to do. I have several Indian friends with arranged marriages--their perspective is so different. It seems they don't fall in love, they "grow" in love. My dread for my BF is that I was going to call him to say that I had some other plans during the week with friends, and I thought that would make him feel bad. I felt that I SHOULD want to spend every free minute with him. But in my marriage, that's what I did--I cut out friends and hobbies and ended up feeling lost. I think we still need to hold on to those things, even in a relationship. And Future and his wife and all of us need to nuture that part of ourselves without it being threatening. I think marriages would be more sustainable over the long haul if people did that instead of becomming so identified as a "couple". So, that's what I was trying to say, I guess.
Is anything ever different? One person is codependent. One person leaves other chases and finally realizes that it is not working. They realize they need to work on improving thereselves. Do they ever work it out and fix anything? I got divorced. Did the DBing thing. Got my wife back. And then we broke up again with the same problems years later. No, changes can only go so far. People change as they age. Are really the two people breaking up in all these posts just not capable of living a life with each other even though they want to? Negative thoughts I know. I was just wondering.
So when I say no thanks to invites in the upcoming weeks, please know this is why
Interesting that her mindset is such that she is already the one that is "getting" the invites and gets the chance to say yes or no......this proves that her mind sees you as the pursuing person and her the one who is pursued. Chasing and pursuing a person who feels this way doesn't work.
How kind of her to tell you that when you ask her to do something she is warning you she is going to say no.
How would it sound if it was YOU saying to her.. "If I don't ask you to do anything for the next six months or so, don't be offended. I just want to go out and take up another hobby and go sing in the bars for a few months to see how I am going to feel about you. I will let you know in six months or so. Thanks for being there for me."??????
That mindset tells you all you need to know..
You are misreading her..
Women don't make it complicated when they WANT to be with you.... When a woman WANTS to be with you nothing will stop them.
So, you can make excuses for her all you want. She just doesn't feel it for you again.. You went too much too fast..
She chased you in the beginning of your relationship and then you had her chasing you again when you let go and she thought you had someone else. You then started chasing her again. YOU are talking too much about the relationship. I don't care whether you are doing it in a vague way or not. It is feminine to talk too much about the relationship. SHE even told you it drained her. YOU should have stopped the relationship talk on the date long before you did. When a relationship talk drains a woman, THAT means that it isn't a good talk.
She is they type that needs to feel she is the one chasing. She will never admit to this, but it IS the reality. She needed to chase you in the beginning, she chase the OM around the world, she then chased you to get you back, she now has you (her words of "if I say no to invitations" shows it is you asking and chasing in her mind) and NOW she wants to chase another hobby..(or is it something else)
She doesn't FEEL it for you. When a woman likes you in the right way she still has her hobby AND you. She is just blowing you off because you have been nice to her and she doesn't want to hurt you and she wants to see if you will go along with this new charade. If you do, then it will be something else.
Don't be a fool.
Just now catching up, Future, after being sick as a dog yesterday. I agree with Gucci's assessment, fwiw, and I've followed your sitch as you know from the beginning.
There are ways to honor your wife's request for "space" while not going all pursuing/needy/grabby on her. It's going to take a deft touch for you to reply, but I think you have it in you, judgment from your current mindset.
You are right in that we should keep with our hobbies, friends and other interests when in a relationship... Very true..
However, what I want to get across to him here is that it should have been FUTURE backing off from his wife by doing and saying these types of things to her and not her doing it to him.
She is backing off... Which MEANS in reality that he has been pursuing too much. People don't back off when you aren't pursuing. It should be HIM backing off from her...
SHE HAD AN AFFAIR and very smartly got him to absolve her of any responsibility when she told him before they got back together that she didn't want him to hold it against her. Of course he fell for that ridiculous statement and now she again has the upper hand. She is basically telling him.. "I had an affair and if you hold it against me in any way shape or form then I am not getting back with you."
How is that for keeping HIM still in check huh?
And his instant reaction.."Oh no, I won't hold it against you, I already forgave you"..
He should have said something like this..
"Well, I am not sure how I feel right now about even getting back together. You are right in that I might hold it against you, so I need some time to think about whether I can really do that or not. I certainly don't want to hold it against you, but I have to be honest and tell you that I lost trust in you over this. And I have realized that I want to be with a woman I can trust. How am I to know that it wouldn't happen again? I think for now let's just take it one day at a time. Who knows maybe we will make better friends than lovers"
He gives her the same thing she is giving him.. Which is NOTHING.
