The saga continues

[OfficerInNeed]

My concern... is there still such thing as pursuing? or is this now where I step up the 180s?

[OfficerInNeed]

Today's interactions.

I returned home from work this morning and decided to txt W while she was at work. In the past I could remember W being concerned if I made it through a night of work safely. So I simply txt W and said "Home. See you when you get home" W did reply immediately to my surprise with "OK "

I noticed W had put her wedding ring back on.

W returned home from work, I was just waking up and greeted W with a hello and W said "hi" in return. It was not an 'excited happy to see you' greeting nor did it sound as if she had to say it, just a natural "hi"

W went and got changed then came and laid beside me in bed. I had every intention to giving W a hug (something I did not do too much of in the past). W laid in bed and did not even look in my direction, W then placed her laptop on her lap.

I said to W "I had not seen you in nearly 18 hours, thought I would give you a hug" W looked at me and then I said "I need to know if I am doing too little or too much"

W replied "If you do too much I am not going to believe it is real, I am not an optimistic person. You have to understand how bad yo hurt me in the past and it is not going to be easy for me to just act like everything is OK." I agreed with W that it is not going to be easy and I understand there is a lot of hurt.

W then started to look up more information about a trip she wants us to go on in October, right around the time of our 1 year anniversary to the same place we went to on our honeymoon. We looked a somethings together and had conversation about the possibilities of the trip.

I decided to get up and go get some breakfast and I asked W if she would also like anything. W said she did. I prepared a meal for us. W thanked me and so we sat and spoke about non-R things.

From what I have gathered W has a lot of doubt because of the past but has at least committed to giving us another chance.

W has not initiated any R talks and told me she does not like to talk about it.

I am looking for some advice, I don't want to ruin this opportunity.

[CityGirl]

I am really pleased for you!

I think the best advice right now is to get to IC and joint C'ing ASAP. Make the appts tomorrow. I do not feel without a 3rd party you and your W will be able to do this on your own.

KEEP GAL'ig! Do not stop that! You don't have to ask your W everywhere nor do you have to accept every invite she offers you.

In your mind (or somewhere private) start making a list of what you need to work on, what you would like your W to work on and what a good marriage looks like to you. IMO "better communication" is simply way too vague.

All the very best wishes!

[gucci loafer]

I returned home from work this morning and decided to txt W while she was at work. In the past I could remember W being concerned if I made it through a night of work safely. So I simply txt W and said "Home. See you when you get home" W did reply immediately to my surprise with "OK "

NO.. NO..NO...

Don't be texting your wife while she is at work UNLESS she texts you something first. She just tells you yesterday she wants to work things out and you go right into pursuit mode...

Work is work. When people are at work they are being paid to work, not being paid to text back and forth with friends, family and lovers.

LET her lead the texting from work. I know you don't think it was pursuit, but you are going to drive yourself AND her nuts if you can't even leave her completely alone while at work. Stop doing that.

Do you realize that sometimes even GOOD relationships need breathing space? When she is at work it is a great time for some breathing space for BOTH of you. Let HER lead the texting from her work.

I said to W "I had not seen you in nearly 18 hours, thought I would give you a hug" W looked at me and then I said "I need to know if I am doing too little or too much"

NO NO NO... You are the MAN in the relationship. Not the woman..
You let the WOMAN tell you that you haven't seen each other in 18 hours or whatever amount of time you are apart. YOUR responsibility is to come home and be in a GOOD mood. "HI honey" how was your day'? THEN shut up and listen HAPPILY... You let HER ask you about your day. If she doesn't ask, then you keep it to yourself or use your day to keep the conversation going to keep bringing her out. You are the man. You are LEADING. You lead by being happy and mature and asking about her. Don't go overboard. Just set a pattern. When she comes in the door, say hi happily and always be in the middle of doing something. THEN when she starts talking about her day, THAT is when you stop what you are doing and just listen.

thought I would give you a hug" W looked at me and then I said "I need to know if I am doing too little or too much"

NO NO NO... You NEVER do things like this when romancing a woman or trying to win one back. One day after you have her coming back toward you, you go right back into "I will keep trying to win you back mode".... No more asking.


For right now.. No hugs. We can discuss giving a hug later. But NOT one day after she comes back toward you. Weak weak weak... Never ask a woman if you are doing too little or too much. Most women want you to KNOW without asking. SO, you better quickly learn how to read her. It isn't that hard if you stop trying so hard and just be real. Learn to read her and you will know what to do and when to do it. Become an expert in your wife and how to read her.

agreed with W that it is not going to be easy and I understand there is a lot of hurt.

This was good. That is the way you need to handle this for now. However, REMEMBER.. The reason you ended up having to agree with that statement is because you went and ask for too much too soon with the "texting, the asking for a hug, and then telling her to let you know if you are doing too much or too little".. You fell into that trap by yourself. The agreement with not being easy could have been avoided by just leaving her alone at work for the whole day and when she came home happily saying hi and then letting things happen on their own.

I decided to get up and go get some breakfast and I asked W if she would also like anything. W said she did. I prepared a meal for us. W thanked me and so we sat and spoke about non-R things.

This was GOOD. It is OK NOW to do these things for her now that she has said she wants to work it out. You have been the cook for awhile so this will be ok to do. It is now ok to ask her to do things with you. The reason is that she TOLD you she wants to work it out. Now you can slowly just be a good man.

From what I have gathered W has a lot of doubt because of the past but has at least committed to giving us another chance.

DUH?.. Come on OIN.. That is exactly what she has told you and it is how she feels. Is this a surprise? The difference between now and the last few months is that she came to YOU and she TOLD you she wants to work this out. NOW you can do many of the things that were not working for you before. Why? Because she told you she WANTED to try. Big differece now. Just don't go overboard and come on too strong.Coming on strong scares almost ALL women, not only your wife. Just be consistent and happy and give her some space. While she is at work is a great time to give her space.

[OfficerInNeed]

I just wanted to remind you that my situation is unique, have you not learned that by now? (j/k).

Gucci,
When our sitch first started my W gave me the list of things she always wanted from me in our relationship. This is before I discovered DR book and way before I found this forum. At that time I wrote this list of things down and made a promise to my W that I would make the changes and start doing those things. For the first month I did all these things and it became overwhelming to my W and her response was always "I just don't believe this is real, why now when I always wanted these things from you."

Once I discovered the DR book I stopped all these purusing things. Then once I came across this forum I learned many of the things I did were still considered pursuing.

This is why I am grateful to have you all here. I know I was stubborn for sometime and did not take your advice.

I sincerely do not want to mess this up so I will follow any advice given (within reason).

i will continue to provide detailed reports of our daily interactions.

What things right now are my DEFINITE Do's and Dont's?

[OfficerInNeed]

Monday:

I returned home from a long night of work. W was sleeping. W woke up as I walked in the room. W told me how she had a terrible night sleep and her head is STILL hurting. I went to bed and W went downstairs. A few min later W comes back up lays in bed, has a little snack and looks over to me and ask if I would like any, I told her "NO, but thank you."

Finding it hard to fall to sleep W and I began to talk a little bit. W told me about research she had done over night on hotels ect.. for the trip she had been planning for the fall. Now that I know that the trip includes me I am starting to get excited. In the past I never really got involved with our trip planning and just left it up to her. Now I am expressing excitement and participating in the planning process. The trip is a being planned for the same week we went on our honey moon last year at the same destination...honeymoon part two? (the right way)

I eventually feel to sleep as did my W. Our dog was being a pain so I had a hard time getting consistent sleep. W eventually woke up after an hour or so and turned the TV on (lol) I gave up on trying to sleep and got up myself.

W and I again carried on convo about the trip and other non-R topics. W and I took a trip to the bookstore. W wanted to get a guide for our vacation. I made my way over to the R/M books and told W that I wanted to purchase a book that was recommended by a co-worker and read it together. W said "get it" but did not say if she would participate in reading it.

W wanted to stop a store to get some new under garments. W and I picked out a few things and then headed on back home.

During our time out and about, I did not engage in any R talk. There were few times where I did place hand on W's leg while driving, place hand on small of her back while standing in store and hold her hand while walking. W did not reject any.

At home, I prepared for a night of work and W was getting situated with organizing things around the house that we just purchased.

The day W had said she wanted to work on our M or give it another try she agreed to read M help/improving books but has yet to do/participate in any of it. W said that today we could go through the first chapter of a book but it did not happen. I mentioned this to W briefly and she really did not give a response...

There were a few times where W seemed to had got 'short' with me but she said it was due to her headache and the heat and nothing was meant by it.
We carried on civilly. I was leaving for work and as I had in the past (before our sitch) would kiss W on forehead before I left and say goodnight. W said goodnight to me. Something that she had not reciprocated in several months. As I walked out the bedroom W said "Be careful." Something I have not heard her say to me before I left for work in 8 months or so now.

I know I may have gone a little overboard with the kiss on the forehead but I remember not too long ago W being on the internet and she was saving "love quotes." In one of the quotes it was said that someone who truly loves you would kiss you on the forehead...something I use to ALWAYS do before our sicth as well, so I did it and she was not objective toward it.

Going back to my previous post... Mandatory DO's and DON'Ts?

[OfficerInNeed]

Monday:

I returned home from a long night of work. W was sleeping. W woke up as I walked in the room. W told me how she had a terrible night sleep and her head is STILL hurting. I went to bed and W went downstairs. A few min later W comes back up lays in bed, has a little snack and looks over to me and ask if I would like any, I told her "NO, but thank you."

Finding it hard to fall to sleep W and I began to talk a little bit. W told me about research she had done over night on hotels ect.. for the trip she had been planning for the fall. Now that I know that the trip includes me I am starting to get excited. In the past I never really got involved with our trip planning and just left it up to her. Now I am expressing excitement and participating in the planning process. The trip is a being planned for the same week we went on our honey moon last year at the same destination...honeymoon part two? (the right way)

I eventually feel to sleep as did my W. Our dog was being a pain so I had a hard time getting consistent sleep. W eventually woke up after an hour or so and turned the TV on (lol) I gave up on trying to sleep and got up myself.

W and I again carried on convo about the trip and other non-R topics. W and I took a trip to the bookstore. W wanted to get a guide for our vacation. I made my way over to the R/M books and told W that I wanted to purchase a book that was recommended by a co-worker and read it together. W said "get it" but did not say if she would participate in reading it.

W wanted to stop a store to get some new under garments. W and I picked out a

[OfficerInNeed]

Monday:

I returned home from a long night of work. W was sleeping. W woke up as I walked in the room. W told me how she had a terrible night sleep and her head is STILL hurting. I went to bed and W went downstairs. A few min later W comes back up lays in bed, has a little snack and looks over to me and ask if I would like any, I told her "NO, but thank you."

Finding it hard to fall to sleep W and I began to talk a little bit. W told me about research she had done over night on hotels ect.. for the trip she had been planning for the fall. Now that I know that the trip includes me I am starting to get excited. In the past I never really got involved with our trip planning and just left it up to her. Now I am expressing excitement and participating in the planning process. The trip is a being planned for the same week we went on our honey moon last year at the same destination...honeymoon part two? (the right way)

I eventually feel to sleep as did my W. Our dog was being a pain so I had a hard time getting consistent sleep. W eventually woke up after an hour or so and turned the TV on (lol) I gave up on trying to sleep and got up myself.

W and I again carried on convo about the trip and other non-R topics. W and I took a trip to the bookstore. W wanted to get a guide for our vacation. I made my way over to the R/M books and told W that I wanted to purchase a book that was recommended by a co-worker and read it together. W said "get it" but did not say if she would participate in reading it.

W wanted to stop a store to get some new under garments. W and I picked out a few things and then headed on back home.

During our time out and about, I did not engage in any R talk. There were few times where I did place hand on W's leg while driving, place hand on small of her back while standing in store and hold her hand while walking. W did not reject any.

At home, I prepared for a night of work and W was getting situated with organizing things around the house that we just purchased.

The day W had said she wanted to work on our M or give it another try she agreed to read M help/improving books but has yet to do/participate in any of it. W said that today we could go through the first chapter of a book but it did not happen. I mentioned this to W briefly and she really did not give a response...

There were a few times where W seemed to had got 'short' with me but she said it was due to her headache and the heat and nothing was meant by it.
We carried on civilly. I was leaving for work and as I had in the past (before our sitch) would kiss W on forehead before I left and say goodnight. W said goodnight to me. Something that she had not reciprocated in several months. As I walked out the bedroom W said "Be careful." Something I have not heard her say to me before I left for work in 8 months or so now.

I know I may have gone a little overboard with the kiss on the forehead but I remember not too long ago W being on the internet and she was saving "love quotes." In one of the quotes it was said that someone who truly loves you would kiss you on the forehead...something I use to ALWAYS do before our sicth as well, so I did it and she was not objective toward it.

Going back to my previous post... Mandatory DO's and DON'Ts?

[par4me]

Gucci,I have read the book, along time ago. I am total pursuit mode when my wife calls are texts. I have been texting her back about 10 or 11 times. Wrong, wrong I know. Can you list the do's and dont's for us. My name is par4me. I should not love my wife but I do. It is alot of time I am asking you for but I have read some of your posts and respect what you say. I wished you would quote on my stuff alittle more. I don't know, I just wished that you would help me a little. I delated my ex's cell number out of my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to call or text but man I have done everything wrong much like this guy. I get positive response by leaving her alone and then go into total persuit and promises when she does call and tells me she misses me. I am to stupid to do this right and I am going to lose her because of it but if you would list some things I would tape it up on my computer and maybe act a little sanier. Thanks, Jeff

[OfficerInNeed]

sorry for the triple post, connection acting up and continued to refresh page....