Ken, if she's just squirreling her money away adn making you pay for her support, your home, and the kids then EXPOSE to her boss at work... SHe's just using the income to support infidelity so turn it off at the source
If she gets fired she made her bed... You can always make a private deal with her boss to rehire her once OM has gone but not tell your wife...
UPDATE: I haven't posted here for several days. I guess I felt like giving up. She went to get the divorce papers but hasn't filled them out yet. Then yesterday and today, she has been fighting with the OM. She is very angry with him because she doesn't want to do things the way he is suggesting and she has asked him not to contact her more or come to her work. She is even interested in getting a stalking injunction against him if he can't stay away this time. But she wants to wait and see if he tries to come to her work again. And he says that he doesn't want to contact her anymore after seeing another side of her (yelling). Nevertheless, she tells me that our problem is not about him and she is still not interested in reconciliation and she still plans on filing for divorce.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
UPDATE: I haven't posted here for several days. I guess I felt like giving up. She went to get the divorce papers but hasn't filled them out yet. Then yesterday and today, she has been fighting with the OM. She is very angry with him because she doesn't want to do things the way he is suggesting and she has asked him not to contact her more or come to her work. She is even interested in getting a stalking injunction against him if he can't stay away this time. But she wants to wait and see if he tries to come to her work again. And he says that he doesn't want to contact her anymore after seeing another side of her (yelling). Nevertheless, she tells me that our problem is not about him and she is still not interested in reconciliation and she still plans on filing for divorce.
Ken, all cheaters say that! It would ruin their rationalization process for doing what they've done if they actually admitted the problem was the OP. You can't argue that with them though.
"I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore." "We got married for all the wrong reasons." "I'm not attracted to you anymore." "Why can't you admit that we just made a mistake?" "My affair isn't the reason our marriage isn't working." "I never really loved you in the first place." "It's time to tell the kids it's over."
Ken your wife has probably said ALL of this word for word... It's CLASSIC wayward script.
Okay, let's say you can see yourself giving up.......describe what that picture looks like. Do you mean that as in "dropping the rope", beating her to the D papers......or how?
Something is holding her back from filling out those papers.
I hope she sees OM in all his true colors.....and I hope he sees her new side she's kept hidden. I tell ya.....reality just sucks when having an A!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, by "giving up", I meant becoming indifferent about the situation and not trying to stop their phone contact anymore, not pursuing the civil stalking injunction on OM, and just deciding to accept the divorce if she brings me the papers. I did this because W has not budged from her position for a year now and still has the same attitude (or worse) towards me even though I mostly leave her alone now.
OM called ME several times in desperation yesterday and today because W didn't want to talk with him. After I vented on him a bit about "thanks for ruining my life, etc.", he begged for me to put her on the phone, which normally I would have refused, but since I didn't care anymore with the impending divorce, I offered the phone to her and she refused! He has tried calling about twenty times today and yesterday. And W is telling me everything that is going on!
She told me about a day when OM went to her work and begged her for 5 and a half hours to say she wanted him to stay and not move (like he promised me). She finally said ok and he bought another house here and made arrangements to stay.
OMW told me in church today that OM was kicking her out of the house this coming week. But now after W's fight with OM, I doubt that will happen. OM offered to pay for OUR divorce and she refused because then she would feel obligated to marry him and she's not sure that's what she wants. When he kept insisting, that's when she started to get mad at him. I heard her YELLING very loud at him on the phone.
I believe she has been having doubts about his character lately. She is now telling me that he is a liar and a manipulator (like I told her from the very beginning). But I told her that I am glad she is finally seeing it. She is now complaining about things that he did way back at the beginning of their relationship (which I have never seen her do till today). She even did a background search on him yesterday, saying it was to prove to me that he is not a danger to our kids like I implied, but didn't find out anything she didn't already know.
Today, she said she doesn't want to have anything to do with him and if I see her going back to him to please "bind me up or smack me over the head with a two-by-four!" I'm just waiting to see what W does now. I think she will still file for divorce in a day or two. She says, "I don't want you and I don't want him!" I just find it interesting that now that I have become so indifferent, that it appears they are really breaking it off this time.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
I just find it interesting that now that I have become so indifferent, that it appears they are really breaking it off this time.
You aren't indifferent Ken, you are detached. This is what we've been telling you to do for months and months and months and months...
Once you detach it is a LOT easier to combat an affair and a wayward partner.
I wouldn't count my blessings just yet. However. I doubt your wife will pursue divorce. She may start the process, but it does take some time and she has children to think about. I can't imagine her going it alone Ken, she's way too immature to do that.
And telling OM "Thanks for ruining my life" is NOT helping your situation.
"Stay away from my wife you sleazy creep" works a lot better.
And your wife or you not finding anything with a background check does NOT mean he's safe around children. It just means he hasn't been CAUGHT and CONVICTED. If he's THIS bad around adults can you imagine how he will be with kids? Do you think someone this selfish and manipulative should be parenting children? Even as a step-parent he would have a lot of influence.
She needs time to cool off, Ken. It's too much drama and emotion to think clearly right now. She's going to need some time to decompress and process - maybe even weeks or months.
Continue to give her space and continue your GALing. Once she gets through her withdrawal, she may start to think clearly and gravitate back toward you.
If she does press the divorce issue, make HER be the bad guy. You can't stop her from filing, but you can contest it, if that's what you want. And you can always tell your kids later, "I FOUGHT for our family. Your mother's the one who destroyed it."
