I have two pages of comments to respond to. Thank you.
Quick update: Nothing has changed between him and I other than attending counseling sessions. They are good, but nothing changes what feels like is "missing".
amorfidelis- I'd love to support one another. Are you still around?
Allen- Thanks for responding, and giving me input.
We were fine tuning the list for my H.
1. Find an interest that makes him happy and do it at least once a week. Share your thoughts and feelings about this interest with me. and
2. Find some guy friends that you have fun with, and do something with one or more of them at least once a week. Share your "good times" and thoughts after spending time with them, with me.
YOu asked what he does with his time. He works, comes home and finds house stuff to do, and plays with son. Which is all good, but it's become his routine which is a security blanket to him and while doing those things there is no happiness from him...no smiles no laughter...even playing with our son.
Since I wrote that I've talked to H about this. He doesn't know why he is not happy...says he has always been like this.....was brought up like this...... has since worked at it...has lightened up with son and I have heard him laugh (I asked him if he ever looks our son in the eyes...he realizes he doesn't do that often...it's like he lives outside of the world). He has socialized with some friends after work and has gone out for a drink with the neighbor. I see that as progress.
I did your homework assignment. We watched I Love you, Man with him. IN fact that is the first movie we have watched together in ages. We enjoyed it.
3. Tell me good thoughts and bad thoughts as you have them.
Ok, I can be specific..."If you feel scared, tell me when you do and why...", etc. Bottom line I want to hear his TRUE feelings when he has them. Any and all.
There's something about the calendar idea that I like....because my mind works like that and I love charts and lists, etc. I know my H would love that, too. But there is that part of me that screams that this is exactly what I DON"T want. I've been living my life waiting for him to do something because he WANTS to ...DESIRES to....years of waiting.....and I've pretended that things are ok all these years.....and now I'm suppose to AGAIN tell him what I want. I've done this over and over, and he will do what I tell him, but nothing is natural. I want it to be what HE wants and desires.
Yes, I have seen Fireproof.......suggest it to many others. IT made both of us bawl and helped us reconcile. But, nothing changed in the reconciliation.
You say you find it hard to believe that intimacy and sex was never there. Of course there was some....but believe me, there was never any innuendos or flirting like someone in love. Our marriage was very much like an arranged marriage. Think of it that way because that is more realistic.
You asked me to tell you about my H to start spring some ideas from you and other posters......What does he like to eat? Steak. What does he like to listen to? Classic rock What does he like to read? Science fiction What does he do with his time? House stuff, and play with son, and work.
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
Here's the second response. I have to break them up or I'd have a super duper long post.
Lotus- No sex feels like no love. It's now at the point where he says he wants to...but I don't want to. I just don't have feelings that way. There have been so many years that I wanted to, and he wasn't interested......it hurt, and now I have walls up. He hasn't had sex in years with me....and he hasn't come to me upset about it....we reconciled, got back together, and STILL haven't had sex. I get waiting for a bit....but for a year to not come to me saying what the heck! He doesn't care.
Allen...this isn't just an infedility issue....our sex life was nonexistent before the affair, and our marriage...always an issue. We are coming from different backgrounds on this one..you said you were the high desire spouse before the affair...my H was NEVER the high desire spouse.
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
Saffie- Thank you so much for your thoughts and suggestions. I'm sorry it has taken so long to respond.
You hit the nail on the head that our marriage is like an arranged one. My H and I have talked about this. We both see it this way. You are also right that the mutual respect is lacking. The counselor has said this as well. He is working on building himself up to having his own thoughts and feelings. This is hard for him. The counselor is having him come to me once a day to share his feelings. Again, just THAT is difficult for him. Your point was made in that I need to stop talking negatively about him. I think my feeling that I'm "done pretending" has produced this negativity. But, maybe I can stop pretending, but not dwell.
Fostering a caring environment is what I want....but I feel I have done and it has not changed us.....We have tried mixing with other couples and it does help...should do it more...but, in other ways it just pinpoints what we DON"T have and they DO. I can try to let the little things go.
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
Four More years....are you still there? Desire.....can you live without feeling desired by your husband? I'd like you to join my thread more often because I think you understand my feelings more than most.
Sugar- Yep, I'm still here. Still trying.
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
I'm feeling depressed and hopeless. Can I do this? Can I stay with this man just for my child and comfort.......knowing that we will never feel more than friendship love?
It's a bad day.
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
Didi I am all for marriage, but it should be a healthy place to live. If it can't be more than friendship and you want a full marriage, then I don't see a choice. But this is a choice that you need to make for yourself.
I fought hard to keep my M, but right at the core of it all was that staying together had to be because H and I wanted to be together because we loved one another. Staying together just for the childrens' sake was never an option.
I have lived through my own parents split and my experience has been that two 'happy' separated parents was way better than two unhappy ones who remained together.
A separation does not mean that a reconciliation is never possible.
As Lotus has said, only YOU know what to do.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I am just so confused. I just wish we had something to try to "get back"....you know how people say, "we need to get our romance back"....we just don't have anything to go back to.
I just keep thinking that if we were unable to get it back after all of these years and after a reconciliation and what we went through...what will?
I'm going to try to bring this up very pointedly in our next counseling session and see what she says.
Is there anyone out there that feels like something was missing from the start? And, I mean the ones that are not in a fog.....not off of an affair and rewriting history, but really feel as if there was something missing from the start.....anyone?
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
