Man, all she did was take your $$$ and have a nice vacation. B*tch!!
Sorry, but she PISSES ME OFF.
I knew this would happen. Still, I'm real sorry, BTM. This sukks.
I don't think you should wait a full year -- your self-esteem will be SHOT by then. Have you seen Gucci's "Let them Go" thread yet? I think it's time to go Gucci/Robx on her azz...
Back from the vacation to Mexico with WAW to celebrate her 40th birthday.
I said to some friends that I thought this trip would determine what would happen between us. Unfortunately, I was right.
While we never fought or anything, we just didn't commect all week. WAW was frustrated with me quite often and I was not comfortable a lot of the time. When we were away in April, and even since then, things seemed to be getting better. But, the vacation was a real step backwards.
D18 told me that WAW told her that "we won't be getting back together" - "your Dad hasn't changed" "it's too late".
I called WAW today and admitted that I didn't think it went well between us and to ask her what her thoughts are. She's still not willing to say it's 100% over and that there is no hope, but it's close. She again told me I can "date other people".
Unless something dramatic happens (and I have no idea what that could be) we will stay with our current plan to sell the house next June and proceed with the divorce.
The optimist in me says that still gives me almost a year, but the realist tells me that I simply am not the man she wants me to be, and can't make genuine, lasting changes to be that man either.
Only a few days before the trip, when I took WAW out for her b'day dinner, things felt good between us. But I think one week of being together 24/7 brought reality crashing to our world.
Today, I am sad, but accepting. Back to one day at a time.....
Let's review this: - kissing her ass and making every change she wants you to make - making sure the air doesn't move in whichever room she happens to be standing in - buying dinners, gifts, trips seem to be working awesome - she still complains about you even though you bust your a$$ to "be the man" she wants you to be - you keep pursuing her even though she keeps you at respectable distance, whatever she can tolerate on any given day
Do you notice any of this?
Hmmmm.....
I do.
I'm sure a few others do as well.
"Be the man" she wants you to be, during all this time that you've been climbing Mount Everest trying to jump through every f!@#$king hoop she lights on fire and puts before you what have you done to make yourself happy?
Seriously, with all this focus on her, what have you been doing to make you happy? I mean really happy, not just on the surface happy.
The person doing the rejecting is the one being pursued.
Your wife rejects you, you pursue her even more, I'm sure it's good to feel all this attention, she enjoys the ego boost she gets from pulling your strings but that gets boring for a woman and women tend to get bored easily especially with men that don't have a clue.
Get a clue.
You need a break from her. You really do.
No more of those weekend dinners, tell her you need a break from her. What's been happening between the two of you hasn't been good for you, you've been thinking about it a lot lately and you're not sure you want this anymore. Tell her that it was rude for her to tell you that you can "date other people", that smacks of a very controlling attitude on her part and that's what she's tired of, easily controlling you, she gets her way all the time with you without any effort or challenge, you're conquered, she can have you at any time and you know what, that's way too sexy.... NOT!
Tell her you will decide when you're ready to date, and that you don't need her permission and it's really rude for her to say that to you that you can "date other people" - thanks I appreciate the permission. You tried and tried and tried to be this "perfect man" but guess what, that guy doesn't exist, I'm not perfect, Gucci's not perfect, Puppy's not perfect and you are not perfect.
You want things in your situation to change? Change what you're doing.
No more weekend dinners at your place, no more going out with her, no more gifts, no more taking her out for dinner, you save those privileges for someone who WANTS to be with you and you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.
You've had an awakening, this isn't working for you anymore and it bothers you that it's taken this long for you to figure this out. Tell her she's right, this isn't going to work out, you could fly to the moon and back but unless she was willing to invest herself 110% into this process it would never work. You tell her that she can date other people, you're fine with it. If you haven't already, you tell her that you will speak to the kids about your situation and tell them that it's over and that you will get divorced next year and then sell the home.
Don't be mean, punitive, angry, a prick or an a$$hole - it's not necessary, it's not what a real man would do anyways. She doesn't want you, that's fine, you don't want her anymore either, there's only so much rejection you were going to take before the idea finally got through that thick skull of yours.
I know you guys have that routine where she comes over on saturdays or sundays to cook dinner for the family, tell her that can stop, no use in putting on a charade for the kids and it's not necessary for you either, you can make dinner for the kids or take them out - no worries. She should also stop getting used to coming over whenever she wants, she's moved out, you guys are separated, you should act like it, not this fake inbetween dimension you've been existing in. Do you have free access to her apartment? Probably not. So her free access to the home will change too and she will come over only if she's invited over, she should respect where you live as much as where you respect where you live. Maybe this also involves the kids going back & forth between the 2 locations, I'm not sure what the dynamic is at this point, something you will have to work out but seriously you can stop trying so hard to win her back, it's precisely what hasn't been working.
Plus this statement about allowing you "to date other people" is the 2nd or 3rd one I've read this week from different users on this forum and guess what, one of them just found out that his WAW that could never have been seeing/been interested in someone else is now texting and talking to some mystery man out of the blue. Interesting how this "permission" to date other people usually comes after they've started something with someone else.
Time for you to turn this around, I think you can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
This is quite the debate over in Infidelity right now. When to fight like hell for the marriage, throwing truth dart after truth dart, and when to just let them go and go Robx/Gucci on them.
Over the last few months, things really did seem to be getting better. As I said, as recently as a couple days before the trip things were still going well, and the approach I had been taking seemed to be working.
We are going to talk within the next few days. I plan on saying little, but making it succint. Something like:
"I felt like we were making progress, but the fact that there was "nothing there" when we were at a romantic, couples resort in paradise, makes me realize it's not getting better. If we can't be good together there, than we certainly can't be at home. I don't think I will ever be the man you want me to be. I won't change in the ways you want, because you don't want the real me and any changes would not be real. In fact, it's only when I am with you that I don't feel adequate. It's not good for me as a person to let someone else make me feel bad about myself. So...I think it's best for us to actually be separate during our separation. As for dating other people, I will do that when I choose to, and you suggesting that I do, is disrespectful of our relationship and to me. I need to spend time making me feel better and not worrying how everything I do will affect you and your reaction. This is what I need for me now."
I will be polite and calm, but not mean or spiteful.
Over the last few months, things really did seem to be getting better. As I said, as recently as a couple days before the trip things were still going well, and the approach I had been taking seemed to be working.
It depends on how you define "working," and your perspective -- in the middle of it all, with a long-term, shared history with your wife -- is certainly much different than ours as dispassionate outsiders, looking in.
From my personal archives:
On “Doing What Works”:
One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."
Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.
Good point Puppy. When I say it was working, I really mean that she was spending time with me, kissing, cuddling, sex etc...
But we really have not made any progress towards a "healthier, longer-tem gain".
I forgot to note: last night D18 and I took a car I am thinking about buying for her to WAW's apartment for WAW to see. WAW was friendly all over again, hugged and kissed me goodbye and said "love you and miss you".
Good point Puppy. When I say it was working, I really mean that she was spending time with me, kissing, cuddling, sex etc...
But we really have not made any progress towards a "healthier, longer-tem gain".
I forgot to note: last night D18 and I took a car I am thinking about buying for her to WAW's apartment for WAW to see. WAW was friendly all over again, hugged and kissed me goodbye and said "love you and miss you".
Maybe she's just crazy.......
No she's testing you, to see how easily she can control you, are you easy? Sounds like it to me plus she did it in front of your kid as well, that could have been more for daughter than for you, just for appearance sake.
Be a challenge.
I would have asked her "what was that for? that's so unlike you?!" and given her a puzzled WTF type look as I walked away.
WAW was friendly all over again, hugged and kissed me goodbye and said "love you and miss you".
Maybe she's just crazy.......
No she is just doing what works to keep you in line. She gives you some crumbs and you think the main course is coming next. You are crazy to keep doing what you are doing and expecting it to work. She is waiting on you to lead so she can be attracted to you again.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
