"It was the right thing to do to protect my M, and assist my W in maintaining boundaries, and showing my presence to the OP. I didn't have to say a word to either of them--my presence was enough of an influence"
YES I THINK YOU HAVE IT......Actions DO speak louder than words......
As for Doing things you really do not feel like doing for someone… Isn’t that called Love?
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I've started reading Deepak Chopra's book on "The Third Jesus." I need to keep reading religion books to counter anger, resentment, mistrust, doubt, and fear. I'm reading about the teaching of not resisting evil. My going to the dance club over the weekend when I knew the OP would be there is an example of this.
My issues and patterns reveal themselves in dance practice and lessons. The teacher (a confident young man of 27, with a great-looking girlfriend) is honest with me about how passive and small my dancing looks. I'm great with technique, but need to improve with body styling and expressiveness. This is where I need to stretch and grow.
During the lesson, he comes up to me and sculpts my body in the way it needs to be to reflect the mood of the dance and music. I've never held my body in such a manner, and it feels great, though awkward. When I practice it with my W at home, it feels awkward yet liberating. The teacher said that my W and I have a good work ethic, so he seems motivated to work with us.
I think about why in the past I didn't enforce boundaries with my W. I think it's because that I felt that I needed to make significant improvements as a H and person, and wanted to see if that would make a difference. I'm at the point where I feel like I'm invested enough as a H, confident enough as a man to be on my own if needed, and that other than physical intimacy as a problem to address, my W has a good H and M. This is the year where I believe that I deserve better than what I've had.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 07/13/1004:32 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Doc, Matilda, and DB Friends, I'm fighting the urge to be passive-aggressive (old patterns). Difficult memories that have happened in the M keep popping in my head. I'm going to try and turn them into poems. I'll keep reading my religion book.
My W went to a routine eye exam this week. The optometrist discovered a tear in her eye. She got in to see a specialist the next day, to confirm it. The plan is to hope that it heals itself and follow-up in one month. If it worsens, she would be permanently blind. She's fortunate that this was caught in time. Fortunately, she has no activity restrictions.
She keeps percolating about a Puerto Rico trip but hasn't pursued it. I'll let her percolate, and stay out of the way.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
DB Friends, Today is our anniversary--17 years. We're in a much better place than last year's estrangement and the intrusion of the OP, who has moved 600 miles away. My mind is a tangled web of thoughts and emotions, but I'll keep up the Act As If I'm a H approach. This means saying and doing whatever is needed to move us forward.
I bought my W a card today. It's a humorous card that talks about the realities of married life, and a willingness to stay committed in spite of it. Some of the lines are:
We've some GOOD behavior (and of course we've seen some BAD) We've seen the WORST We've seen the BEST And like we always knew: No matter what life's UPS and DOWNS... We'll see each other through
My W has trouble putting structure into her day, now that she's uemployed. She can go an entire day without eating or leaving the home. I came home from work yesterday, and she was in front of the computer, complaining about being depressed. I suggested we take advantage of the summer heat and our fitness club membership and go the pool. We went, and as expected, it cheered her up.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 07/17/1002:53 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Happy belated anniversary, CL. Did you go out to dinner to celebrate? What did your wife think of the card? I am not on the computer as much since I don't have a computer at home, but I do want to keep up with your thread. It sounds like you are getting better about setting boundaries (like telling your wife she needs to have a female travel partner if she decides to go that way). I hope you can have a joint trip. Even if it's low key/low budget. Being together is critical to keep you moving forward I believe.
Matilda and Doc, My W acknowledged the card and apologized for forgetting the date of our anniversary. I chose not to make an issue of it. I hope she takes the time to read the card with greater care at some point, when she has a moment.
She talks about our improved quality of life. She is referring to the dance lessons, dance outings, dance practice, dance performance teams, fitness center with a pool. She said that she is looking forward to having a pool in the winter. Swimming is her favorite form of exercise and stress management.
She wants to join the studio for a weekend getaway in August that we both think is not a good value. I'm hoping she'll change her mind, but if not, will engage her in a discussion of how it will be paid for, so that it doesn't fall on my shoulders. A Puerto Rico trip is also being negotiated.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda, My W found an inexpensive flight to Puerto Rico and did some research regarding the weather there. August is a rainy month there, so I agreed to go in September. I think not having the trip scheduled is keeping my W from job-hunting. She's fearful that she would lose the trip, if she started a new job. I found a week in September that I thought would not conflict with our dance trip to Florida and commitment to the dance teams, so told my W to go ahead and book the flight.
I'll probably also agree to the dance weekend in August with our studio, even though I think it's not a good value. We'll also have the dance convention in late September in Florida.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Oh CL! Big hugs to you! I've learned so much from you... a while back you told me about the importance of being able to forgive before beginning piecing (which was immensely helpful), and now reading this post gave me a perfectly wonderful idea to help resolve one of the long-standing issues contributing to the disconnect between H and I. Thank you so much! Keep up the great posts - I enjoy hearing about your progress with your W. And Peurto Rico - how wonderful - I hope it brings you many bonding moments. (sorry I don't mean to interrupt your post - just wanted to extend my thanks and to let you know what a difference you've made in my life!) Hugs!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
