FWIW (as ridiculous as this sounds, lol!) there is a place for "pet custody and financial arrangement" when filling out separation/divorce papers in NY!
My papers say "one pet <insert pet info here>, full ownership to CityGirl with no visitation or financial obligation from Mr. CityGirl"
Unfortunately Your advice did not reach me in time.
I spent the night of the 4th over my parents as I mentioned. The following morning I got that text as I quoted.
Shortly after W txt me that I could come over and get some things. I went over and got some things. I don;t know how it happened but we got into a divorce argument where she would give all the reasons why she wants a divorce and I would tell her I agree. It got pretty heated on her part and ugly at one point. No validating was going to end the argument so I just left.
W then asked me to comeback over that she had to ask me a question I went over and she asked me a question non R-related. W then initiated R talk basically telling me everything I have done up to this point was waste of time that I would never change and there were things I could have said or done to make things good again but she would not say what they were.
I ended it by agreeing divorce was the answer and that it was for the best.
I then spent last night at parents again. W txt me asking to come over something that had to do with the dog. W got into it again briefly about divorce, I gathered more things. W then asked me if I could babysit the dog while she goes grocery shopping. I did not do it.
W left and shortly after I left and went to hang out with a friend.
A few hours later, W txt me "when you get home there is a letter on the table for you"
I get home and here is what the letter read.
=================== It is hard for me to say this, or even write this in the past you had made me feel so ugly, so worthless, a waste of space and even a burden. I felt like everything I did was wrong and I could never do anything right. And that's all I ever see when I looked in the mirror. All I wanted is to be happy to be proud of myself and see myself for what I am when I do look in the mirror but things still haven't changed. I'm not happy. I said divorce thinking that it would make things better. I dont honestly know if it would. Is running away and giving up everything I have, the answer? Will it give me what I want? Will it give me happiness if I have nothing. I wish life was easy. I wish the answers were clear. If I tried and stayed in this relationship it would be a long time before I could trust you again. And I dont know if I could ever believe that I mean the world to you. I really don't know what to do or what the answer is, that is why I haven't filed for anything or done anything yet. All I have been doing is crying and my headaches have gotten worse. It's hard for me to talk because I have been vulnerable for so long, I want to feel strong, but all I feel is lost and alone...I just dont know what to do! ===========================================
W walked downstairs seen that I read the letter and said "I don't want to talk right now but you can"
I gave a little speech ending it with, maybe divorce is for the best and left. W offered me food and told me a few things.
I left and then came back forgetting my phone. W asked for a favor and thought I was giving attitude. W started to cry and we exchanged a hug. W then took meds. Shortly after I left and went back next door....
Now what?
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I basically recapped my emotional roller coaster over the past 6 months then said "I spent several years of our R dictating and controlling how our R would go. Then I spent 6 months trying to keep you and once again trying to control the way the R will go, once I realized this, that I been ignoring how you truly felt. I don't want to be in a loveless marriage and maybe divorce is for the best."
something a long those lines sorry just cannot recall it all.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
go back home, she has a place to go, she's been planning to leave, tell her you accept that she doesn't want to be married anymore and you've been thinking about it alot and you're not sure either.
It's your home, go back home.
Weren't you the one telling us several hundred times that you can't legally force her out but all of a sudden she can force you out? Be consistent with yourself and others. Go home. If she complains, you tell her plain & simple, it's your home as well as hers, you won't be forced out of it, she has a place she's been planning to go live in, she has options, you don't, this is your home and it will be until it is sold.
No relationship talk.
Don't be an a$$hole, don't be a prick or a jerk, just be firm, calm, cool, collected and live in your home.
Puppy I agree with you (big surprise, I agree with you pretty much all the time LOL), but let's look at the situation, we've been telling him to do something all this time and he wasn't willing to do it, what happened in the end? She pretty much pulled the trigger on all of the things he was supposed to do: - she kicked him out of the house - she told him repeatedly it won't ever work - she shuns him/rejects him - she treats him poorly - she cheated on him: possible ea/pa
And yet.... he keeps pursuing her, so indirectly he proves everything we've been telling him and others: the person being rejected is the one doing the pursuing, she keeps rejecting him, he keeps pursuing her.
Now the recent events unfold and what happens, he leaves, stops contacting her, stops pursuing her, agrees that divorce is the best option, he starts mentioning it as the option where before he was against doing this and the results.... she slowly starts pursuing him, it's simply human psychology, human nature at it's worst and finest:
- we run away from things that pursue us - we pursue things that reject us - we rebel against those that control us - he was afraid to kick her out of the house fearing he would lose her forever - she kicks him out of the house, he doesn't fight to get back in, all of a sudden she pursues him through texting, phone calls, voicemails, whatever was used - he pulls, she pushes him away - she starts to pull, he pushes her away (she's now bringing up relationship talk and making excuses for him to come over so that SHE can write letters for him to read, she would not have wasted the time to do that before)
If he had started doing what we asked earlier, he would have saved a lot of time, but like most of the users on these forums, you can provide them with the logic and sound reasoning behind our advice and why it will work but they're in love with their feelings, they're in love with their emotions and don't want to do anything that doesn't "feel right". But they get all flustered and upset because they are trying to give their WAS's logic and advice and sound reasoning but get mad at their WAS's because they won't listen, because they're in love with their emotions and feelings.
