So long, and thanks for the fish

[LookingFrAnswers]

This week the thought that kept occurring to me: at the core, I am a person who was left. I am a person who could be tossed aside. I am a person whom my life-partner could leave within 3 months.

I tried to do "the work" on that. I'm sure that my core essence is NOT the above. But as Gardener says: it's the million dollar question: who.am. I. What do I want?

Aver, I was really glad to see the second paragraph after reading the first. Yes, your core essence is NOT based on the whims or behavior of another person. Good, I'm glad you know that. But I understand, I just posted that I still have my "good & bad" days. Like Sunday, I was just down. Down on myself. I felt rotten. Then a day later, I felt normal again.

I think it's not an overstatement to say this is going to take years to get through. In my case I'm already into year 2!

Not surprising when we remember that we spent years, decades in your case, with one person, who is no longer in our lives. But even so, that person, or rather his choices, don't define us!

Even though sometimes we may feel that they do. I think it's part of the grief, or just the general crappiness of how all this feels sometimes.

Continue working through it. Right. Right!

Kudos on handling lunch with the X inlaws. That's a tough one. But I'm guessing you handled it w your characteristic with and grace. It's nice that they wanted to see you but right, makes for awkward conversation!

Well you said you overbooked your weekend on my thread so I look fwd to reading your updates soon. I hope it was a good one! Wishing you a great week. ((((hugs)))))

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi Aver!
Just stopping in to say Happy 4th! Have a good holiday & thanks for checking in. Thinking of you & happy you are keeping super busy. Good luck with the opera production!

Talk to you soon! ((((Aver)))))

[avermont]

Hi all, and an ironic twist for twin LFA--

So LFA avoided vacation time to avoid dealing with the empty time/space/anxiety.

I went back to work today (took most of June off, worked a lot from home). Was in the theatre where I mostly work in the summer. My dear theatre, I love every inch of it.

And I couldn't stop crying. (well, I could, it just came in waves) Here, in the attic, this time last year, I was thinking that X and I would go do such and such. Here, in the shop, I was blithely ignoring how late I was working, and X was f**ng OW. This time last year I was down in the costume shop, called X to say hello, and meanwhile he was...etc., etc.

For the first time I wanted to flee work. Home felt safer. I knew that getting through this summer would be hard. 3 weeks approaching Bomb-A-versary. Hopefully soon it will be busy with everyone wanting scenery and props and all sorts of stuff. Right now it's too quiet.

It's so sad to have the space I love be haunted. Well, it should pass. I worked in this theatre in the fall and spring, and I wasn't bothered. Well, of course I was numb for most of the year.

Maybe after this summer, and another year, the theatre will go back to being my old friend.

This weekend with Dad was good, but exhausting. We painted the bathroom (3 days of prep!) The sad thought that kept coming was that Dad was here doing this...because I had been left. X and I were going to re-do the bathroom and kitchen. Etc., etc.

Heard from XMIL (we are keeping in contact, what should I call her?) that OW, pardon me, fiance, isn't working because she has some $ from her job and "divorce that just got finalized." Interesting, no? On the rebound, snags a guy who was fully committed to his R; re-engaged in a year.

I guess that's their problem, though, right?

OK--wish me a better day at work tomorrow. Maybe a smudge ceremony in the theatre as well as my house is in order.

Onward and upward.

[Iwondertooo]

A, holidays are really hard. And this was a holiday weekend. I had a hard, hard time this time of year back about 7 years ago, almost a nervous breakdown. Are you ok? Stay strong, a treat is in order. Wonder

[avermont]

Thanks, Wonder.

The holiday was fine--it was the work that was a problem!

Add in the heat, a few minor health things, and I also find I am coming out of my numb state straight into cranky. Great. Nice.

I'm gonna read more on Serenity's thread. She's had it wicked hard, and look how well she is doing.

I don't want to be cranky. I do have to go through this next stage of mourning.

It might be real mourning now, slow, conscious, and painful. Cause I have been running or numb this whole time. Felt an awful lot of pain, of course, but everything pitched to a very high level or pushed under til I could deal with it "later."

Guess it's later!

Darn.

[ClingingToHope]

I'm still struggling with all kinds of memories tied to places and times. I'd love to just pick up and start over in another city, but I can't with two daughters.

I have a CD they love to listen to with Miley Cyrus' "The Climb" with the line "these are the days I'll remember most."

In the future, when you've come through this you'll be proud of yourself.

[Golfgirl1]

Hi Aver,

Went back and caught up on your sitch and it's somewhat similar to mine. We were married 20 years and my "independence" and "confidence" were what XH said attracted him to me in the first place. Then, as life went on and he started traveling more and I built more of a separate life, it's what destroyed us (according to him).

Bullhocky I say! XH used that as an excuse for having an affair and making so many stupid choices in the past year that I've lost count.

Let your emotions hit and feel them. Each time you do the pain will be a little less. It takes time, lots of time. In some ways you and I are lucky in that we don't have children and we don't have to see XH to have that constant reminder of 'what if.' I truly believe it speeds things up. Do you have a support group? I took a "rebuilding" class for 10 weeks and have the most amazing friends who know what all this feels like; it helps, truly it's the one thing I am so glad I did. If you can't find a class, read the book "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" by Dr. Bruce Fischer. It will help tremendously. Also, what about joining some meetup.com groups? Maybe you aren't quite ready, but when you are...they're out there to find some new social interests.

NO to dating right now is where I am and I'm certain you are as well. Take this time for you; you deserve it.

Hang in there!

[LookingFrAnswers]

For the first time I wanted to flee work. Home felt safer. I knew that getting through this summer would be hard. 3 weeks approaching Bomb-A-versary. Hopefully soon it will be busy with everyone wanting scenery and props and all sorts of stuff. Right now it's too quiet.

It's so sad to have the space I love be haunted. Well, it should pass. I worked in this theatre in the fall and spring, and I wasn't bothered. Well, of course I was numb for most of the year.

Maybe after this summer, and another year, the theatre will go back to being my old friend.

((((Aver))))
I know, I know. I really feel for you. I so know how that feels. I do believe that after you spend more time there (a week, maybe several) those feelings will lesssen< And yes, smudge the space. Even if it's symbolic, it's a cleansing. My heart goes out to you, dear twin.

I will check back soon. Keep getting through each day and soon you'll reclaim your favorite space. It's just an old friend you haven't seen in a while. Sending you lots of hugs ((())))

[avermont]

Catching up, guys. Sort of veering between total slack and hyperactivity--which means I'm not really completing anything.

Each day goes on, different sorrows, different things that are becoming--almost--dare I say it--fun again.

But I am NEVER getting the mail again!

You all know the terrible nights when I opened the mailbox to find letters from the bank addressed to OW. And then, one night when I was feeling particularly peaceful, reading the local paper to find an article about X extolling his virtues and the loss to the town his leaving would be. And then a few follow-up letters in the paper.

So, to this day, I approach the mailbox with trepidation. Today I did what I usually do: "it's OK, Aver, OW isn't going to get any mail here, no more articles in the paper.."

Tax bill addressed to both of us. OK, I can call City Hall and get that fixed. Flyer addressed to both of us. OK, I can get off the mailing list. Read the paper--no mention of X, of course not!

Then...as I flip over the last section--I found a letter from X.

Obviously a personal letter. Pretty thick, actually.

I assume it is his "closure" letter.

When he told me he was getting married, he also offered to "meet and talk, he was ready to" and had been "trying to get together with me for months" (when, exactly?)

I felt at the time, and still do:: I am past asking for closure. In August, I was willing to hear every dreadful thing I had ever done. I have flayed myself for months with my failings as a partner. I have said way more awful things about myself than X could possibly say. (I hope!)

And now--it's too late, buddy. I DON'T want to hear your complaints about our R, as realistic and justified as they may be. It's not that I am coming from a holy place of peace and reconciliation--it's definitely: "Oh, a conversation would make YOU feel better? Forget it!!"

Maybe I'll really have moved on when I feel like: you want to talk? OK, whatever! Say whatever you need to, ho, hum...

Not there yet.

So the question: when to read it. What friends can I torture with more weeping?

Or, v.2: send it back with a note saying: I don't feel it is appropriate for a married man to be sending private correspondence to another woman.

I kind of like that one.

Off to a date!

I'll let you know how it goes!

And what I do with the da** letter!

Ugh!!

[Gardener]

Aver,
Burn it.
Forget it.
imo.