The point is to stop coordinating every darn thing you do with her.
I can't believe you have nothing to do at all if you GAL every time she wants to do something.
TH is right. i couldn't find the right words to say it but TH is right. the point is to stop coordinating everything you do with her.
my second issue is, stop reading/analyzing everything she says or what tone she's using or that you've never heard it before. i may not be a vet but i personally don't think it matters. i think by analyzing everything she says or does or what her mood is today gives you an excuse to not db effectively. so if you fail, it's you. it's not the methods.
you are still too focused on her. that's why GAL is hard for you. you have to put the focus back on yourself.
stop focusing on her and do stuff that is about you only. meet up with YOUR friends, go take YOUR car to the car wash, go see YOUR parents/family.
<W name> I have been doing some thinking and here is what I have decided. I NOW realize that you really don't want this marriage or me anymore. I realize that what I have done in the past has destroyed any chance of you ever loving me again. I have been trying to keep you and get you to love me back with making some changes to be a better husband that should have been made a long time ago. I now realize that no matter how much I try and no matter how much I wanted this to work that your mind is made up and your feelings are not going to change. I go to the point where, I AGREE that it is too late and that we can not make this work. I realize that my efforts have done nothing but annoy you. I will no longer make an effort to try to save this marriage. I am sorry that I haven't been paying attention to how badly you wanted out of this marriage, but after the past couple weeks it really hit me that it isn't going to work and that you are RIGHT.
Also does the ring come off? and how should our interactions be from that point forward?
Last edited by OfficerInNeed; 07/04/1007:20 PM.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
All hell just broke loose and the final nail is in the coffin.
W was upstairs and I was down stairs at the kitchen table re-reading WAS speech when there was a knock at the door, I go answer the door W comes downstairs at the same time and grabs my laptop then walks into the bathroom and locks herself in.
I asked W if she can hand me my laptop back and she said "I will be out in a few minutes" knowing I had left the draft email open I knew she was reading it...
W comes out pushed the laptop into my chest and tells me "I'm done with you, all of this, next week it will all be over."
I asked W "Did you read the email?" W said "I read more than the email, I read the eBlaster reports" My stomach dropped, I had forgot all about the keylogger reports that were sent to that email address, seems like the email I composed was the least of my worries. W also went into my drafts folder and seen documentation I was keeping on our sitch.
I instantly felt the need to defend myself, when i tried to speak up W just simply told me "I don't care what you have to say, I am done, this house is getting sold also."
W went on to express her disgust in her discoveries. I was in shock and did not know how to respond or what to say.
I said to W "I was/am keeping a log of our interactions and conversations I have/had with a marriage support group." W wanted to see my laptop again to see the logs. I was logging back onto the account when W snatch my laptop and tried to lock herself in the bathroom again. I took laptop back from W after she attempted to break it in half. W then said "See I told you there is something to hide, you never change"
W then went to bash all my efforts in the past 6 months and tell me how I did not change and I was till the same ol' person. W then started to use profanity toward me. If you knew my W, She has not swore a day (as I can recall) in the past 10 years and here she is now dropping f-bombs on me. I was in shock.
When W was telling me that marriage is over, I would validate and say things like "I agree this marriage is not going to work" ect.. W got so upset with me validating she then threatened to make the process hell for me.
I did not once oppose anything she said to me but rather agreed/validated that the marriage is indeed over. It just added fuel to the fire. I remained calm throughout while W yelled and belittled me throwing 10 years back in my face.
W snatched my house keys and put them in her pocket and told me to leave.
complete unexpected chain of events, I am unsure how to proceed from here. I did leave, I am not next door at my parents.
CG, W said and I read that senate passed no-fault marriage in NYS. W then tells me that it will go into affect next week. I read nothing of the sorts but did read that it has to go through state assembly first.
W then claims that there is a such thing as joint custody of animals? (our dog)
There is no turning back nor improving our situation. I still had hope for reconciliation but now see that it will be virtually impossible giving tonight's events. I guess now I should know how to protect myself legally.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
well that is understandable. If giving the opportunity do I tell W the intents of the keylogger?
In this email account I also kept DB notes such as goals and advice I gathered from the forum. I also use to journal each day when our sitch began. I also have unsent drafts of pursuing emails I typed out when our sitch had first began.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
well that is understandable. If giving the opportunity do I tell W the intents of the keylogger?
It seems to me that you don't act when it's time to act, and then you mull things over too much and then try to use talk to get the results YOU want.
At the time she was throwing a fit, if you had GAL, focused on yourself, and had begun to drop the rope, you probably would have said something like, "Sure, you were having an affair, so I wanted to know what I was up against and if this M was worth saving, and you were telling me one thing and doing another, so I was making sure I had the whole story".
Alas, stop trying to fix this. You're just making things nastier at this point.
Really, it's time to stop trying to control one another. Period. If you keep trying to control her, she will try to control you and make you miserable--she said so.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 07/05/1002:51 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
you should get back in your house, let her react anyway she wants to, you need to stop feeling 100% of the weight of the responsibility in this situation, she was having an affair regardless of what kind, she was preparing to move out, somehow she turned this around on you (like usual) and made you the bad guy and apparently she feels "betrayed" by you?!
WTF?!
Go home.
Live in your home, if you guys sell the home, it will be after you're divorced, not before so don't worry about any of her threats about selling the home, tell her "that's fine, we'll sell the home after you file for divorce, not before, I don't have to move out until then, you have a place ready for you, you're free to go whenever you want just DON'T tell me what I need to do or that I need to leave, I'll make that decision on my own, thank you"
One more thing, stop arguing with her, you can't win, it's logic vs. emotion and her emotion trumps your logic everytime, you can't explain anything to her, there is no commonsense to work with, better to be quiet & calm & collected throughout all of this instead of joining her in an argument.
As far as the joint custody of pets goes, I haven't heard of that but just agree with her, "that's cool with me, whatever works"
