The saga continues

[CityGirl]

See, the less drastic approach would involve you detaching BIG TIME and GAL'ing. It's not that you no longer do anything with your W but now you let her come to you instead of asking her to go places with you.

Just because your W is in the house and sleeping in the bed it doesn't make it a good situation. Those really aren't positives if the rest of the time is spent fighting, R talking and basically living in a very stressful home.

Until you detach and stop trying to get your W to see things "your way" nothing will change. You have to start letting your W see that you are going to be fine either way and TODAY you start building a life for YOU.

You don't seem to have the strength to follow the "soft" plan because you get sucked in each time. The "harsh" plan is all done is one big swoop which IMO would be better for you as you can't stay on the "soft" plan approach for any length of time.

Get the time lines out of your head. Everybody says affairs don't last and my H's is lasting just fine and the live together. Maybe some affairs fizzle in a year or so but not all. So 12 weeks, 4 months... whatever!

[idontunderstand]

I failed to GAL and detach and give W space. I am only saying should I not try the less drastic approach but do it right this time?

the less drastic approach?! and what would that be?
why do you want to take a less drastic approach?

Good question.

OIN, I understand your reluctance to do what you have been told, over and over, to do. I did the same thing. Here I am, six months later, still stuck and nothing has changed. Read my thread and see if you see any similarities. I tried the less drastic approach. You can see where it got me.

I am still having trouble doing what I know I need to do. I still have that fear of losing my W. The trouble is, I have already lost her. The only thing left to do is let her go. Not just a little or threaten to let her go, just do it and let her find out for herself how things will be when she gets what she says she wants. Give her what she wants, don't argue with her. She had told you numerous times and so has my W. It's past time to stop disagreeing with her.

My appt. with my L is next Wed. I'm not really looking forward to it. I'm not looking forward to spending the rest of my life waiting for a crumb or two from my W and hoping for a couple of good days a month. That is no way to live.

Dig down deep and take the approach that gives you the best chance of turning things around, gives you back control of your life and demands respect from your W. She may throw a fit, but she will have to respect the decision you made to stand up for yourself and your family.

Less drastic means "easier". Give her what she wants. Simple as that.

[OfficerInNeed]

I am done with trying to get W to see things "my way." I am done with the R talks.

Just because your W is in the house and sleeping in the bed it doesn't make it a good situation. Those really aren't positives if the rest of the time is spent fighting, R talking and basically living in a very stressful home

This has only been the case for the past week, more so for this past weekend.

It appears that (and I could be very wrong) my posts are being scanned and only the negative is being brought to the forefront. All the positive interactions between my W and I over the past 5 weeks or so seem to be dismissed.

IF I was able to follow the "soft" approach as intended I think we would be a lot better off right now. For example I would go somewhere and ask W if she would like to join me, if she said no I would say "Why not?" or not go myself. I had to many expectations.

[DumpedforMIL]

Less drastic means "easier". Give her what she wants. Simple as that.

exactly my point. what are you expecting by taking the 'easier' route?

you admitted to failing at GAL, giving space, and detaching.
to me, GAL should be the easiest thing to do.
yet, you failed at that too.
you fear saying things to drive her away.
GAL doesn't involve words. it's actions. you. getting out.
doing something for yourself.
there are no words exchanged. there is no agenda or whatever against your w. you are not hurting her by GAL-ing. unless your version of GAL involves finding one-night stands.

the choice is yours.

[OfficerInNeed]

Less drastic means "easier". Give her what she wants. Simple as that.

exactly my point. what are you expecting by taking the 'easier' route?

you admitted to failing at GAL, giving space, and detaching.
to me, GAL should be the easiest thing to do.
yet, you failed at that too.
you fear saying things to drive her away.
GAL doesn't involve words. it's actions. you. getting out.
doing something for yourself.
there are no words exchanged. there is no agenda or whatever against your w. you are not hurting her by GAL-ing. unless your version of GAL involves finding one-night stands.

the choice is yours.

GAL is one of the easiest things to do? Yet threads I read LBS talks about how difficult it is.

Just as someone said I was being "pissy" You come across as argumentative. I understand you all are only trying to help, I get it.

I admitted my failures in my DB attempts. You honestly think any of this is easy "soft" or "harsh"?

If GAL and detaching is part of both the easy or "soft" and the "harsh" Then where is the wrong in starting off "soft" and GAL/Detach the right way and see where it gets me in a week or so and if no improvement I will take the "harsh" route. It is very difficult to have the speech with my W when all she does is sleep all day.

[TimeHeals]

There is no easy way to do this. You have to completely let go. Period.

The problem is that you are acting out of hurt like a child who doesn't get what they want one moment, and then like an austere parent reprimanding a child other times.

That's the dynamic that you cannot beat in your interactions with your W.

You are going to have to let go of all of your fear. If she leaves, fine. Help her pack. If she doesn't leave, I guess that's OK too so long are she (and you) are not openenly insulting. No R-talk, and if there is R talk like her saying "this isn't working", then just agree with her.

You have not done this, and I don't expect you to be able to do it this time either. To really detach you have to shift all of your focus away from her and your marriage and focus on yourself and controling yourself and just being happy.

This misery is wearing on everybody trying to help you, and you just rationalizing it here is what you do at home as well aparently.

You can't control your W. She can't control you. Your attempts to control one another for whatever reasons are working against you.

[DumpedforMIL]

If GAL and detaching is part of both the easy or "soft" and the "harsh" Then where is the wrong in starting off "soft" and GAL/Detach the right way and see where it gets me in a week or so and if no improvement I will take the "harsh" route.

you still have yet to define what *you* mean by "soft" vs. "harsh".

GAL is one of the easiest things to do? Yet threads I read LBS talks about how difficult it is.

i'm not going to draw comparisons and all but because it has been difficult for others to GAL, you're going to not even try to GAL because others have said that it's hard to do?
others have said that detaching and dropping the rope works. but you're resisting that.

help me understand what it is that you are looking for.

it is heartbreaking to see you like this because i have been in those stubborn shoes. trust me.

but you have to back up your claims with your experience. not with the experience of others.

here's another idea.

the vets here often advocate that you validate your spouse. "you're right. the m isn't working."

how about validating CG, TH, or anybody here who has given you advice?

[TimeHeals]

it is heartbreaking to see you like this because i have been in those stubborn shoes. trust me.

We've all been where he is right now, and we all know what happened when we were like that.

If I knew back then what I know now...? Woulda, shoulda, coulda. Who knows?

If it were easy, everybody would be doing it, and divorce would be rare.

[OfficerInNeed]

i'm not going to draw comparisons and all but because it has been difficult for others to GAL, you're going to not even try to GAL because others have said that it's hard to do?
others have said that detaching and dropping the rope works. but you're resisting that.

No, I am trying it. Yes it is hard but my comments stemmed from your comments that GAL was one of the easiest things to do.

What am I looking for? To let go and validate W when she tells me she wants out. It would be so much easier if W did not enagage or interact with me at all but that is not the case. We still do thinks together.

Let me try to get to a point here...If W ask me if I want to do something do I say yes or no?

Today after my last post, W woke up as I was getting ready for work. I cannot say I ignored her but I certainly did not engage with her.

I haded downstairs W came done shorly after. W walked into the kitchen where I was and W asked "DO you know if whe have any..." and I replied "Yes, and pointed it out to her" W then said "Thank you." I finished getting ready for work headed out the door and said "see you" and W said "bye" in a tone I have not heard form her before....almost in a tone as if she were surprized I was just walking out the door and not doing my ritual "bye, good night"

[TimeHeals]

If W ask me if I want to do something do I say yes or no?

Depends. If you are GAL, then often you will have other plans, right?

The point is to stop coordinating every darn thing you do with her.

I can't believe you have nothing to do at all if you GAL every time she wants to do something.

I don't care if you are just doing crap around the house (projects), going out on a bike ride or something, walking the dog, meeting up with some old friends, visiting your family, or whatever.

GAL.